Between school and the beginning of my shift at work tonight I stopped by a local pub in Ann Arbor for supper.  Sitting at a table by the window I watched the world go by.  I noted the Christmas lights in store windows, and the wreaths and greens attached to the some car grills, the people walking by, some with Christmas packages, some with  holiday red Starbucks coffee cups.  I saw people walking alone and in pairs, talking animatedly on phones or staring at their feet.  I felt very seperate, as if I were watching a movie.  A sense of not belonging, of just being an observer.

It’s the same feeling I’ve had this year as Christmas approaches, that I’m an observer, and not a very happy one at that.  That Christmas is sneaking up in an obvious sort of way and that I’d rather it didn’t.  Even though I’m going through the motions, planning a big meal for the in-laws, even doing Christmas shopping, I feel a seperateness.  I’d so much rather it didn’t come, Christmas.  I think I’d rather pretend it wasn’t on the way and then just sleep through the day.  But Christmas is hard to ignore.

So another year has gone by, and for whatever reason this year feels like it might be tougher than last year.  It’s harder to ignore Christmas.  But I still feel like an observer in the wings rather than a particpant on the stage.