My friend’s husband, the one on life support, died this weekend.  Thirty-five, two kids and a wife.  I try to remember things that occured in my life when I was ten, and it’s hard to remember much of anything.  Of course the most traumatic thing that happened to me that year was that we moved to a new town and I had to make all new friends.  I guess if my Dad had died I’d remember the event, but I wonder how much the kids will remember about their Dad forty years from now.  Will they remember the fun things they did with him?  Will they remember his humor?  The little everyday things he did for them?  Or will he be a shadowy image buried deep behind a lifetime of other memories?  Will they remember his voice?  How he laughed?  What he sounded like when he said he loved them?  I hope so.

So.  A reality check.  Much as my heart breaks over losing my own Dad, especially the way we lost him, I am so lucky to have had him for forty-eight years.  In the beginning when people told me I was lucky to have the memories I got angry.   I didn’t want memories, I wanted HIM.  But over time I have begun to realize what a gift those memories are.  And to have so many years of memories is an even greater gift.   It’s something I wish I could give to those two young children over on the other side of the state.

You’d be seventy-eight today, Dad.  Happy birthday, and thanks for all those memories.  Love you.

I wonder if there is something called a “last semester syndrome” where the student (me) realizes that it would be hard to totally fail the last semester and hence gives up the momentum and begins to coast?  Is this typical for second year grad students who are getting through the last semester prior to graduation?  Does everyone feel this way?  Or am I finally rebelling?  Against what?  Even knowing that I have two presentations next week I can’t seem to find the motivation to prepare.  I guess I could wing them.  But they could be so much better if I spent a tiny bit of time organizing my thoughts.  Instead I’m watching the Super Bowl and napping between commercials.  Now that’s just so not productive!

What’s up?  I am still in school.  I have three classes, an internship and a job.  I have homework due next week, and in fact I have two presentations to make.  And what did I do today?  Absolutely nothing.  I spent the morning debating a trip to Ann Arbor amid dire predictions of massive amounts of snow.  Seemed I couldn’t start anything else until I made that decision.  The decision was made for me when the event I planned on attending was canceled due to the snow.  That should have freed me up for any one of my numerous projects.  Instead Katie and I went back to bed.

Getting up at 1 in the afternoon..yes one in the afternoon, well rested, I should have been raring to go on something.  But I spent the afternoon knitting.  And putting away things.  And thinking about what I should be working on.  And thinking about the family whose Dad is dying.  And sometimes just thinking.  I started one load of laundry but didn’t finish it.  Got the vacuum out but didn’t run it.  Moved my books around.  And around again.  But didn’t open any of them.  Opened my email and then an attachment from a group member, meaning to read it and edit.  But couldn’t read it.

So I have apparently learned the fine art of accomplishing nothing.  Remind me of this day when I complain I have too much to do.  I could use today to get ahead which would make the rest of the semester easier.  But that would require me to actually do something.  Which I can’t seem to do.

I received bad news today.  A friend’s husband had gall bladder surgery late last week.  He handled the surgery well, but collapsed the next day and never regained consciousness.  He’s on life support and the family is gathering in preparation of taking him off  support over the weekend.  He’s 35, with two children.  Thirty-Five is pretty darn young to lose everything.  Ten and twelve years old is too darn young to lose a Dad. 

I’m holding them in my heart.  Even though you don’t know them, if you could do that too it would be a good thing.