Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Category Archives: relationships


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Advice for someone who is moving on

Sometimes things just change in life and it becomes time to move along. It’s never easy and it’s likely to hurt. A whole bunch. But moving on can also be healing; an exciting time of new beginnings, hopeful new starts heading in new directions, brave explorations of the soul and the world. The best part of considering a move is thinking about all the possibilities, but sometimes having so many options can be overwhelming. My advice is to give yourself time and space for quiet reflection, don’t let anything or anyone interfere with that time. Eventually you, and only you will know which path is the best one for you at this particular place in your life. You’ve made huge strides while taking baby steps through this process of change. Be proud of the distance you’ve come, and don’t be afraid of what still has to be done. You have the basis for building a pretty wonderful, fulfilling life again. Just give yourself time to accomplish all you wish for, and make sure you give yourself credit for all you’ve done along the way.

After all, if you think about it, we’re all moving on.

Photo: My sister and me making one of our first moves many years ago.


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56th Wedding Anniversary

We woke to frost on the ground today, seems too early, but maybe not. It would have been my parents’ 56th wedding anniversary, if they were still living. They spent their honeymoon camping at Point Betsie up near Traverse City…in a tent. I was thinking about camping in a tent on a frosty morning up north as I took the dog out this morning, while bundled up in a heavy coat and gloves. And just because I’m thinking about them, I’ll show you a few pictures:

This is their wedding day in 1952, at Mom’s childhood home in Ann Arbor…

…and in front of their first home in the mid 50’s.

It’s hard to find a picture of just them together in the 60’s; there always seems to be a few kids around!

The whole family in the 70’s…

…and just them at the lake in the mid 80’s.

At my house in 1993…

…in their own yard later in the 90’s…

…and heading off to church circa 2002.

I didn’t see much aging in them, and looking at these pictures I can see why…it was so gradual. When I think that I am already as old as my mother was when they moved so far away to Alabama, I am surprised. Back then, in the early 80’s, I thought she was pretty old…but yet today I don’t feel old at all. Most of the time anyway. I sure wish they were still around so that I could call them and say “Happy Anniversary!” I have to believe they are celebrating their anniversary privately…and together. But probably not in a tent.


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In symphathy

In the past two days I’ve received news of loss from two friends. One has lost her daughter’s fiance at the age of 28, the other a father at the age of 80. Both left too soon. Each of the families are in the midst of the most unimaginable and yet necessary pain. And of course these stories took me back to my own loss, my own pain. Going to bed last night I was overwhelmed by the sound of my father’s voice, the voice of my brother as he gave me the terrible news over the phone, the imagined voice of the coroner telling my sister the devastating truth. And then I realized I couldn’t remember what my mother’s voice sounded like. I cried myself to sleep, all the while wondering why I wasn’t way past these emotions. Why they are so close to the surface still. Wondering when I would become more hardened. And somehow hoping I never get that way.

So to those two families, I send my condolences, my very deepest sympathy, my heartfelt good wishes to you. I know something of what you are feeling. I know how it will probably feel in four years…it’s not that different, but it is better. Right now, just get through today. Tomorrow will be there, and you can worry about it then. Later on you can analyze how you feel, and why; right now it’s OK just to feel. Hang in there, hang on to your family and friends. It will get better, but it will never be OK.


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What people do for love

I just watched a movie (that I got free at my local library!) called “The Straight Story” which was based on the 70ish man in Iowa that drove his lawnmower to Wisconsin to visit his estranged brother who had suffered a stroke. At an average speed of 5 miles an hour it took him 5 weeks to get there. It was the sweetest story and played on my emotions about family. He met a young girl who was pregnant and running away and told her a story he had learned growing up about how one stick can be broken, but a bunch of sticks tied together can’t, and those sticks represent family. He told two bickering mechanic brothers a story about how important his brother was to him, how they hung out growing up, and now how many years had been wasted over a senseless argument. “Brothers is brothers.”

If you get a chance to see the movie, do. But I have to wonder, how did he get back home? He certainly didn’t ride his mower back…did he?


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Big girls don't cry

Heard on the radio this morning Fergie singing “Big Girls Don’t Cry” which seemed especially relevant as I think of someone I love who has sadly accepted the end of her 21 year marriage. To her I say that it’s OK to recognize the difficulty of giving up the dream of a fairy tale ending, that it’s scary to face a new world alone, hard to figure out where you fit, or what you want to do. The whole thing seems insurmountable, but baby steps can get you through. Like running a marathon, never never think about the whole, just concentrate on what has to happen to get through the mile you’re in. Eventually you’ll have the satisfaction of reaching a goal, one that you set for yourself, rather than one set for you. And that makes it even sweeter.

Meanwhile, partial lyrics from the song, which could be sung from her heart today:

And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket

But I’ve got to get a move on with my life

It’s time to be a big girl now

And big girls don’t cry

The path that I’m walkin’, I must go alone

I must take the baby steps till I’m full grown.

Fairy tales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?

And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay.

-written by Ferguson, Stacy, Gad, Tobias

Much love to you, you know who you are.