Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Category Archives: scary things


by 11 Comments

Dream speak – and driving a boat over a cliff

I was going to post about an experience I had over the weekend, but this early morning I am awake and remembering a dream.  It’s 4:30 a.m.  and I’ve retreated to the living room because no way will I be able to go back to sleep in the bedroom.  And to get the dream out of my head I’m going to share it with you.  Hope it doesn’t keep you all awake!

I’m driving a pickup truck and towing a big boat.  I think it’s a sailboat but that’s odd because we’ve never owned a big sailboat.  I’m attempting to get the truck and boat down to a beach which has a boat launch of sorts.  The problem is that the “road” down to the boat launch is more like a very steep, very narrow hiking path.  The kind that is more like a trail to climb up a mountain, or a place where water has run and carved a fissure in the rock.  And it’s almost straight down.

But apparently this is the way down to the boat launch, so I start down it.  I remember that my Dad, whose boat and truck I am driving, told me that the weight of a boat makes it harder to stop and so I downshift to the lowest possible gear just as I get to the steepest part.

Then in the dream I have parked the truck with the boat somewhere and have climbed back up to get some belongings I need to take with me out in the boat.  I am worried because the boat launch turned out to be two parallel chunks of concrete with water in between and I’ll have to be an expert to back the boat trailer out onto it to launch the boat.  I am thinking I’ll need to find someone that can back up a trailer better than me.  I’ve never hauled anything larger than a jet ski, and I’ve never backed up towing anything on a trailer.

I’m also worried because I don’t know how to sail a big sailboat.  I don’t even know how to sail a tiny sailboat, and the ocean (yes this is all at an ocean with big swells of water) is crashing on the rocky shore.  There’s a rumor of a baby shark out there too who’s been snapping at swimmers.  Great.

Then somehow I’m walking around trying to find where I parked the truck and the boat and I can’t find where I parked it, and more than that I don’t have any memory of actually parking it, just the vague feeling that I did.  I can’t find it anywhere and I start saying that aloud, that I can’t find my boat, and finally a woman asked me if it’s the crumpled brown one that is bouncing around between the piers on another side of the peninsula we’re on and I say I don’t think so, but that I can’t remember anything after I began the decent down the steep mountain and shifted into low gear.

She gently says that she thinks it probably is my boat that is totaled over on the other side, and the truck is over there totaled as well, and there’s blood on my forehead and I’m thinking Dad is going to KILL me for ruining his truck and boat and I still have no recollection of anything after I started over the cliff…and I walk by this shallow part where there’s a “baby” shark that’s about fifteen feet long and people are petting it, like in a petting zoo, and some little kid is crouched on the end of a rock petting the back of it’s head and it turns it’s head around and you can see it’s teeth, and the kid is petting it’s snout and I tell the kid “This isn’t Disneyland you know, that thing is real.” and I turn my back quick because I don’t want to see what happens next and I climb back up the steep mountain to get to the other side to see if it’s my boat.

I can’t even remember what “my” boat looks like and now it’s possible it’s a ski boat not a sail boat…and I don’t remember what color the truck is, and the lady is leading the way through some sort of back door into a dark hallway that is supposed to take us to the other side of the mountain where my boat is crumpled up.

And I wake up and find my knee hurting and the dog sleeping on top of my leg and I am SOOOO glad that I didn’t actually drive the truck and boat over a cliff.  But if I had I am SOOOO glad I survived it.  And I’m sure I’m not going back to sleep because I don’t want to find myself  back on that mountainous peninsula  looking for my truck again.  Ever.

So Katie and I are out on the sofa now.  Think we’ll try to get another hour or so of sleep before the work week begins.  She’s already asleep.  Wonder what dogs dream about?


by 16 Comments

Disclaimer: This one's about trucks. And hope

Do you remember hearing about a horrific crash out in Oklahoma a year ago June?  Ten people were killed when a semi driver didn’t notice that traffic had stopped.  I wrote about it then in a blog called “It’s not all about Michael” because the news that day was all about Michael Jackson’s death.  I remember being upset that one celebrity death was overshadowing the deaths of so many innocents.

Well, the NTSB (National Transportation Safety Board) has made a determination about the cause of that crash.  Bet you can guess.  Here’s a bit of their findings:

“The National Transportation Safety Board today determined

that the June 2009 fatal multi vehicle collision involving a

2008 Volvo truck-tractor semitrailer and a traffic queue

near Miami, Oklahoma, was caused by the truck driver’s

fatigue stemming from his acute sleep loss, circadian

disruption associated with his shift work schedule, and mild

sleep apnea. The 76-year-old driver failed to react to

slowing and stopped traffic ahead by applying brakes or

performing any evasive maneuvers to avoid colliding with the

traffic queue.”

“Ten passenger vehicle occupants died, 5 received minor-to-

serious injuries, and the driver of the truck combination

unit was seriously injured.”

I’ll spare you the description of how these people died.  Whatever we imagine is probably not as bad as it actually was.  I was disheartened to read the report this morning that confirmed my suspicion that this crash was almost exactly like the one that killed my dad.  It just seems as though the death continues and no one takes notice.

I was going to write this blog entry about my outrage over an issue that I feel is at the center of the fatigued driving problem – the lack of good and honest record keeping on the number of hours a driver drives – which could be solved with the mandate of Electronic On Board Recorders (EOBRs.).  EOBRs would keep the drivers, and their management honest, would allow drivers to rest when they should, and would monitor the bad drivers and companies in order to get them off our roads faster.  I was going to write about how the NTSB has been advising that EOBRs be mandated on all commercial trucks for almost thirty years but no one was listening.  I was going to write with passion about the thousands of people that die every year, the hundreds of thousands that are injured yearly and how EOBRs would be a relatively inexpensive way to lower those numbers.

I was all fired up.

And I came home to an email from the Executive Director of Truck Safety Coalition that told me two Senators introduced today a bill on the Senate floor to mandate EOBRs on all commercial trucks.  Really.  I had to read it twice to believe it.  And I’m having trouble breathing right now I’m so excited.

We don’t have a bill number yet.  But when we do, and hopefully we’ll have it soon, I’m going to find out the best way for us to make it clear to our Senators that we want them to support this bill.  If any of you want the text from Senator Pryor’s (D-AR) let me know and I’ll forward the email.  The other sponsor is Senator Alexander (R-TN).  I’m excited by everything about this; that it’s in the Senate, not the House, that it’s bipartisan, that someone gets it and is willing to do something.

I know that time is short with this legislative session.  I know it could die on the Senate floor.  I know we’re still a long way from making this law.  And I know that every day we wait 13 or 14 people will die.

Let’s not wait anymore.  Let’s get this bill passed.  Truck companies are behind it.  The NTSB is behind it.  Safety groups are behind it.   There’s no reason we can’t get this bill passed into law.  It’s worth the effort.  Because each of us is worth the effort.

Safety is  not partisan, not religious, not sexist, not elitist.  Safety just is.

Let’s not waste this opportunity.  Dad’s watching.


by 12 Comments

Falling off a bike

So you know that I started back to work at a new/old job this week.  It’s been over four years since I was there, and the economic world has changed.  Heck the whole world has changed.  Now there are many rules and procedures, all done online, that were never in place before.  Most of them make a lot of sense, but it’s still a lot to remember.

Several people that I knew from back “in the days” have stopped by my cube and asked how I was doing.  When I expressed a doubt about something they’d all say “It’s like riding a bike, you’ll remember.”  So far I’m replying that my bike feels like it has a flat.

You probably don’t know that I also rejoined the local community band. (It’s on my list of 101 things to do in 101 days.)  I belonged seven or eight years ago, but left because they were too small and didn’t play many concerts.  Over the years I’ve checked on them, and they seemed to be growing and playing more events.  So I signed up again.  At rehearsal last week there were only 4 clarinets.  Way too few.  I stubbornly held onto the 2nd clarinet folder of music, refusing to play first.  After all it has been at least 6 years since I’ve played anything.  This week at rehearsal there were four clarinets, but not the same ones as last week.  Again I was asked if I could play the 1st part.  I told them the last time I played 1st clarinet was in1978 and I’d rather stick to 2nd.  And the director said….”It’s like riding a bike.”

Lately my world is all about getting back on that bike.  But I think I need to get the tires re-inflated first.


by 8 Comments

Bad news everywhere

I started reading blogs this morning, stopping at Jane’s blog where she lamented that the bad news in the world came up free on the newspaper sites, but the good news was only available with a paid subscription.  I laughed at that and continued on.

Poor Faith had to go to the vet because she has an ouchy spot on her tummy and we are hoping it’s nothing serious.  Then Miley who is having laser and ultrasound therapy appears to be getting worse.  And Misty who is just the sweetest thing ever isn’t happy anymore and seems to be in pain, so she’s on her way to the vet too.  And the guys down in the Florida Keys are mourning the loss of their Grand-Paw and have posted a moving tribute to their Dog-Dad’s father.  Riley’s Mom who has been ill since last December is having even more surgery this week.    Mika, who’s Mama has already endured too much heartache was hit by a car today and is at the vet with crushed legs.  And to top it off last night I stopped at Huskee & Hershey’s site and saw a picture and story about a dog that was killed on the streets of Singapore by it’s owner…and no one stopped the man.  No sleeping for me last night with the image of that poor pup sliding in and out of my dreams.

After all that I just stopped reading.  Way too many dogs and people suffering today.  I’m giving thanks because I’m lucky that right now there are no calamities going on in my life.  And I will keep all those worried parents and furkids in my thoughts, sending them cyber hugs and healing thoughts.

Hope you will too.


by 12 Comments

Challenge Training Sunday (2); aka more of the same. Except different.

Katie hates our truck.  So it’s been a tough week for her because our SUV, the one with her comfy crate in the back, has been at the shop getting fixed.  That means that any far away adventures she and I might want to experience requires using the truck!  The big blue scary truck!  Her general reaction when presented with the open truck door is to run the other way, pull frantically on her leash and if possible paw at the front door trying to get back inside the safety of her home.  We don’t understand why.  But then there are so many of her sheltie-isms that we don’t understand.

So this week’s training challenge was to get her less afraid of the truck.  And of course to continue to work on the lunging at cars thing.  Because last week’s work sure didn’t translate to her behavior here at home.  At all.

All week, whenever she and I went anywhere we used the truck.  To the park?  Great!  Get in the truck!  See?  Not so scary!  Go for a ride?  Sure!  Get in the truck!  See?  That was fun!  Go get nails trimmed at the groomer?  Get in the truck.  Uh oh.  Big mistake on mama’s part.  She hates the groomer and shook the entire ride.   How does she know she’s not going to the park or the pet store?  I have no idea.  Must be sheltie-vision or something.

All in all though she’s getting over most of her fear of the truck.  A couple evenings ago when I asked her if she wanted to go to the park she ran out the front door and stood expectantly beside the truck.  GOOD GIRL!  And yesterday as we were going out to do her job we walked by the truck and she stopped, looked at the truck door, then at me like -HEY MOM!  Can we go go to the PARK?

So later in the day she and I headed out on another adventure in the big blue truck.  We had to head toward town and get some gas first, which is in the opposite direction from our usual route to the park.  Katie looked at me and was obviously trying to telepathically inform  me that I was going the wrong way.  And that it worried her, because the groomer is on this route, don’t you know.

She did really well at the gas station.  I was worried because it was hot and even though the windows were open I didn’t want her in there too long without the air.  So I fumbled through the transaction, taking longer than normal because I had to keep checking on her.

As soon as I turned on the car she enjoyed the air conditioning!

Then since we were halfway to town I took her the rest of the way in, figuring we could walk on some neighborhood sidewalks where we’ve never been before and work on that lunging at cars problem.

I parked a block off main street and headed toward the residential district.  I totally forgot that this street was a cut through for traffic.  It was nonstop cars.  And several motorcycles.  And quite a few trucks…some pulling giant boats.  NOISY!  Every time there would be a string of cars I asked Katie to sit.  I kept telling her to stay, stay…and when she sat through the whole line she’d get her cheese.  I think I was more freaked out than she was.  There was WAY TOO MUCH TRAFFIC for me!  And it was way too close.  She did really well  but obviously I need more training.

We only went about two blocks, mostly because I forgot to bring a poopy bag with me, and these houses all had beautiful green manicured lawns.  I just KNEW if we went very far I’d have an embarrassing situation on my hands.  So to speak.  We walked back to the car, got a drink and headed out to our nice peaceful park.  She did some heeling work and long sits and downs like an expert.  I’ve got her (and me too I guess!) signed up for a Rally trial Sept 12.

I need more practice.


by 10 Comments

And the decision is….

You can see that the blog is looking traditional again.  I lived with the big formating changes for a couple of days, but looking at it made me feel sort of frenetic, less peaceful and even slightly stressed.  So I changed it back. Thanks, Spike, for making me consider something outside the box!

Partly I changed it back because I liked the idea of putting my own photo at the top.  This one is a photo I took from the boat of the mountain where we put my parents’ ashes.  It’s a beautiful place and I think I’ll enjoy looking at the photo each day.  Eventually I’ll change it to something else, probably just as pretty!

The good news in all this is that I was able to change it back all by myself!    WHOOOOHOOO!  If you really know me (Susie, Spike, Erin etc) you’d know how this computer stuff has been elusive for me; it’s all a bit of magic black box hocus pocus and not something that is intuitive.  So it took a lot for me to even try to change something – to poke around at what was admittedly a pretty easy formatting software site to add specific widgets in order  to make this blog a reflection of me.

So much of the time our fears are truly just that – ours.  Things that seem insurmountable can actually be handled by just trying to make one decision at a time.  Or a piece of one decision.  Or the decision to just try to make a piece of a decision.  If we don’t give up, if we don’t allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the big picture – which I agree is often REALLY big and scary – if we just move one foot in front of the other…well…eventually we can all get to where we want to be.

And if we pay attention, we’ll learn a little bit about the world and ourselves along the way.


by 5 Comments

Technically challenged – everywhere

I am feeling overwhelmed by change.  First we changed our cell phones, dumping our land line but keeping our land line number on my husband’s cell.  Seemed sensible, but the new phones we got have me confused…so far…and sometimes I can’t pick up a call or make a call when I want to without a lot of fumbling around.  And it seems like whenever I open my phone I’ve inadvertently hit the camera button and it’s a camera not a phone.

Then my laptop has been updated with Windows 7.  The good news is that it’s WAY faster.  The bad news is that sometimes it jumps around when I least expect it.  Probably I touch something that I don’t realize I’m touching.  And there are other things that seem weird that I will have to get used to.  But it’s all good.  I think.  Except I can’t figure out how to download pictures from the camera anymore.  I think I can download video now, which I couldn’t do before…but I’m not sure.  Husband will have to show me.  So that’s why the new pictures of Katie remain on the camera and are not in this blog!

Then today I updated my blog to the newest WordPress, and noted that there was another header thingy I could use…so I tried that, and as you can see it is different.  I think I can customize the header but I haven’t worked that out yet.  When I first switched to the new look I lost my blogroll and a bunch of other stuff over on the right.  Now I’ve gotten the blogroll back, and added a cluster map and a tag cloud and and and…I’m pretty proud that I figured out how to do that through the “widgets” on the dashboard.

But here’s the rub.  I can’t figure out how to get into the administration of my blog again now.  Used to be there was a spot down at the bottom where I could log in…and that’s gone and I don’t know the html to get that back.  So when I sign out of this I might not be able to get back in until I get my administrator (hiya Spike!) to fix this problem for me.

Kind of scared to log out now…


by 11 Comments

Life lessons learned from water-skiing

When I was a kid we lived on a largish inland lake and we’d go water-skiing most summer evenings after Dad got home from work.  We had a little blue boat with a 35 horse power outboard engine and all four of us plus Dad and sometimes Mom would pile in the boat along with our skis and life vests, towels and other debris.  We’d ski till it got dark, then we’d head home exhausted, sopping wet and very happy.

Lots of time has passed, I haven’t lived on a lake in thirty years and now if I’m lucky I might ski once a year.  Sometimes not even that.  It has become more intimidating, less familiar and much scarier to try.  When I was a teenager I could stand on one foot ankle deep in the water, ski on the other foot resting on the surface, yell “hit it!” and pop up behind the boat with no problem.  I’d land back at the same beach barely damp.

Now we ski in deep water and I struggle to get the unfamiliar ski on my foot as the life jacket floats up around my ears and the ski rope slides by behind me and the boat idles as everyone waits on me to get ready.  I panic a bit as the line pulls taut and I’m not at all sure I’m going to be able to heft my larger self out of the water.  Different boat.  Different ski.  Different me.

This week I went skiing with one of my brothers.  I was kind of afraid to try, sure that I wouldn’t be able to get up, but it was just him and me, and the water was a sheet of glass, what we used to call “water-ski water” when we were young.  So I decided it would never again be a better time to try.  Into the water I went, but two attempts later I couldn’t get myself up.

Lucky my brother is ingenious and he gave me a different, flatter, less competitive ski.  Part of me rebelled because I had always been able to use the fancy competitive ski, but part of me was resigned to accept the changes in me that meant I was less athletic.  And of course part of me thought that if I couldn’t get up on this “beginner” ski, well… I won’t go there.   But even though I was tired from being dragged twice along behind the boat, I tried a third time.  And guess what?  YES!  I popped right up! *

It was magical.  Nothing but flat water, mountains and clouds reflected as if in a  mirror, nobody else out there but us.  It’s as close as I’ll ever get to flying like a bird.  You float effortlessly through the images of trees and clouds, soaring across the water toward freedom.  It’s a feeling that is almost indescribable. 

So here’s the lesson to be learned from water-skiing:

Sometimes if you just hang on you can fly.  And sometimes you have to let go in order to regain your freedom.   The feeling can’t be bought;  if you find yourself in a position to experience it – do it.

Even if you’re really really afraid.

*disclaimer:  these aren’t pictures of ME skiing, these are my two brothers who went skiing on a previous day this week.  It’s so much fun to watch them!  And I had my camera on a stupid low resolution and didn’t realize it…so they’re grainy…but you get the idea…right?  🙂


by 8 Comments

Dreams

So do you dream?  Do you remember them after you wake up?  Are they in color?  Some of my dreams stay with me through the day, some of them have stayed in my memory for years.  I had one of those this morning that I’ll share, just because it was so odd.

Our family’s truck crash attorney J was driving me and all my siblings  from NYC to Chicago in a van to attend some sort of conference.    Before we left the city we were in a parking lot in a part of the city that was … well… let’s just say photogenic in a grubby and gritty kind of way. J is outside the van on the driver’s side talking to Jo the director of our nonprofit.  My three siblings are scrunched into the back seat.   I’m sitting in the front passenger seat, the door open, and trying to get my camera to turn on to take a picture of a building and the debris around it that actually are in some really beautiful colors, when a big and old cadillac convertible shows up, stuffed full of really big guys and they are mumbling about some white bxxxx taking pictures, and suddenly I’m feeling really threatened and I tell J to stop talking to Jo  and lets get going.

“Good idea” says J and he gets in the van and we are pulling away, but now he’s talking on his cell phone, ordering something…and then we’re in a parking garage and there are all these groups of Broadway dancers practicing their routines, all in their spangly costumes, bright colors, lots of sequins, lots of high kicks etc and we’re trying to drive through and around several of these groups and I still can’t get my camera to work..  then we get near a stairwell and someone is waiting there.  It’s a waitress with the lunch that J had ordered!  There’s a hot dog wrapped up in a white paper napkin, and a styrofoam plate of chicken, just a drumstick and a breast, bone in, and something else on another paper plate, and a manhattan (drink) in a real glass!  And it all gets handed to me along with a knife and fork also rolled in a white paper napkin.

I’m holding all this and Jeff is driving (we’re out on a road somewhere now) and I’m considering what to do with all this food, and especially the manhattan (which is a drink from WAY back in my college days!) and I tell J that he can’t have the drink because he’s driving and he said it was for ME because I seemed “a  little stressed and needed to relax” so I had all the food back to my three siblings to split up, along with the one knife and fork and settle in for the trip sipping my drink.

Then we’re in a very crowded conference room and I’m glad there are so many people there.  J says he’s going to start things off by playing a video that “insurance companies use to get you convinced of their side of the story.”  And he starts this video and everyone (but me and my siblings) is on their feet yelling that “yea, that’s what they told me but that’s not what happened” and stuff like that.  It’s very noisy and the four of us are just sitting at the tables watching.

I’m sitting next to P, one of my brothers, and my sister B comes up to our table and crouches on the other side and says, very earnestly, “Here’s an idea, what if for EVERY PENNY you have you pay 10 cents in taxes?  Wouldn’t that help with the problem?”  And P and I look at each other and I ask B, well where would you get the 10 cents if you only had a penny?  And she gets very consternated  and says that after the meeting she’ll explain it better, and goes back to her table.  I look at P and wonder aloud if maybe she said it backward?  That for every 10 cents we pay 1 cent?  But that would just be a flat tax and that had already been discussed.  Meanwhile the participants are still yelling at the video of insurance companies.

I’m pondering B’s tax solution, trying to figure out what she was talking about when Katie the dog shakes her dog tags, a sign that it’s morning, and time to get up and go outside.

So….what did you dream about last night?