Uncategorized | Change Is Hard

April 26, 2010
by dawnkinster 10 Comments

What I was GOING to write about

I was going to describe last weekend’s wonderful, last of the season, Ann Arbor Symphony for you, but the words just aren’t flowing.

I was going to talk about Saturday’s obedience class, the first one Katie’s attended in almost two months, where she was “heeling” with her head down and ears flat because of all the new barking dogs, but really that was about all there was to talk about, she was a crazy girl and it’s obvious that we need to work every day to get back confidence we’ve both lost.

I was going to write about a coffee meeting I attended this morning with my Congressman Mike Rogers where I was hoping to ask him what specifically he was doing to make our highways safer, as his answers to my emails are usually generically vague. But the talk was health care, pretty heated and there was no room for other issues.

I thought about telling you about my 2 mile run/walk this morning. It’s significant because I haven’t run in 18 months, but two miles seems too small to mention, and I walked quite a bit of it. Then again I ran quite a bit of it too. But still.

And some of you may be wondering how the Aunt is doing, and I have to say she’s doing so well there really isn’t anything to tell you.

And I was going to go purchase some pansies in celebration of spring. But the pot they’re going in is still empty so there’s really nothing to show you yet.

And there’s the painting I started while I was up north. I worked on an unsuccessful version most of my time up there, but toward the end, the last couple of days, I started over and am quite pleased with it so far. But I haven’t worked on it since I got home and I don’t want to show it to you. Yet.

And I’ve contemplated lately talking about how frustrating it is not to be able to work in the field that my heart believes I am meant to be. Unemployment is not all it’s cracked up to be, and I’m not talking about the loss of income. But I don’t want to depress you and I’m not even sure how I feel about the whole job search thing yet. So I’m waiting and thinking about all of that.

So all in all I just don’t have anything to write about.

Just yet anyway.

April 24, 2010
by dawnkinster 4 Comments

Settling down now

Trees 1538 Yesterday was our first day of normal life in quite some time. I’d been out of town for three weeks, home for one day and then involved in our Aunt’s medical crisis for more than two more weeks. Yesterday we didn’t have to be anywhere, though husband did stop by the Aunt’s just to see how her first night alone in almost three weeks went. Thankfully, she did fine and I’m sure she’s just as happy as we are to have us off her living room sofa.

Katie and I did some yard work; weeding and sniffing and such things as that. Sometimes all we did was sit in the sun and enjoy being with each other. I think that counts as yard work too.

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I dug up a small bed that had filled in with grass and weeds over the past couple of summers. I’ll replant it later this spring. It was a lot of work and reminds me that last time I dug this up I was younger and fitter.

While digging I came across these small plants, greenish red leaves and blue purple bells of flowers. Tiny. The smell when I crushed the leaves took me right back to my grandmother’s farm, where these lived in her lawn, particularly, as I recall, back by grandpa’s workshop. I sat in the sun and crunched leaves and remembered playing on the farm, picking black raspberries, watching the pigs, playing with barn kittens. It was a good place to play. There are good memories there.

I accidentally left a weed or two in my own garden yesterday just so I can pull them later and smell that old familiar small and relive the memories.

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Later on I got out the tiny teeter and Katie was all raring to go, walking over it, still carefully, especially at the pivot point, but without any apparent fear. So I went and got her Dad, to show him how much more confident she is. And guess what? While he stood in the door watching she first refused to do the teeter at all, then CREPT up to the pivot point and laid down on it. Well, that’s new! And now she won’t go on it at all.

Ah Katie girl. We’re going to school in about an hour, the first time in probably 6 or 7 weeks. Hope you remember a little bit about heeling and staying.

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Should be interesting!

April 15, 2010
by dawnkinster 7 Comments

A new day

Trees 1536 I’ve been staying with Aunt V these past few days. She’s not steady enough on her feet to be alone. But today I had jury duty, and had to be in “business attire” at the court by 8:30 in the morning. I didn’t think I could get ready at her apartment without disturbing her routine, so my husband stayed with her last night, and I got to hug Katie at home all night. I’m not sure Katie really appreciated that, but she will when she’s older!

This morning as Katie and I emerged, trying to get her jobs done before I had to leave the sky was alive with fluffy clouds, the undersides of them gray, the tops tinged with pink as the sun came up. I was sad that I was going to spend it in a jury room. But I was also glad for the bit of freedom I had from the overly heated apartment I’ve been cooped up in since Sunday. It’s funny how a tiny hour of freedom has so much more value when you’ve had none for a few days.

I have to give credit to those of you out there that are care givers full time, and have been for years, or face years of it in the future. It’s a hard job. Not to mention terribly boring! I’m reading a good book, “Seven Types of Ambiguity” by Elliot Perlman, recommended by another blogger, but it takes some concentration, and it seems just when I’m getting my head back into the plot the Aunt needs something. And of course she comes first.

She reminds me that it’s heck getting older. Years ago when I lived in the Upper Peninsula I sometimes drove down to visit my own grandmother who was in her 90’s. She’d outlived most of her friends and quite a bit of her family. The last time I saw her she was walking with a walker and still living in her own home on the family farm. She told me not to live to be her age and I wondered, in all the wisdom of a 20 something young person, what she was talking about. Now I see it again with our Aunt. Though she’s smart as a tack she too has outlived her friends and much of her family. Yesterday she started listing people, counting on her fingers over and over again, people she cared about who are gone now. I had no appropriate response. And it’s sad to witness.

Today’s jury duty went well. All the cases before the two judges were settled, so they let us all go! And today is going to be a beautiful day, high in the 80’s with sunshine. I think perhaps Katie girl and I will have to go for a walk in the park before I head back over to the apartment to relieve my husband. We did get some play in already, Katie and I, out in the yard. She had a wonderful time. Me too.

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And on a totally unrelated topic, I found a baby turtle in the driveway just a bit ago and took it over to the edge of the pond.

He is about the size of a nickle and was warm in my palm as I carried him over to the pond. I set him on a leaf just at the edge of the water. I hope he makes it.

Newborn and elderly, all in the same day, with a bit of sunshine thrown in. It’s a new day

April 9, 2010
by dawnkinster 9 Comments

Re-entry is tough

From weeks of relative silence I’ve been bounced back into my real world. I drove home Tuesday, and Wednesday evening our 94 year old Aunt called because she didn’t feel well…and her blood pressure was sky high. I told her to get to the hospital, and we’d meet her there. We’ve been at the hospital ever since. She has been through many tests but no one can tell us what is going on and why the blood pressure spiked, nor why she remains too dizzy to walk.

Many decisions need to be made, difficult decisions. Wish us, but mostly her, good luck please.

April 6, 2010
by dawnkinster 2 Comments

Sounds of silence

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It’s time for me to go. The bedding is in the dryer, the floors are vacuumed. The cat is sad and so am I. During my time here the most consistent sounds were the murmur or crash of the lake, and the drumming of the ruff grouse off in the woods. No traffic, no airplanes, no neighbors, no dog. I’ve come to enjoy the silence here with that sweet undertone of the lake and the birds.

This morning lying in bed I realized I didn’t hear the grouse, though most mornings his is the first sound I recognize. And there was no soft rolling of the lake either. Just silence. Real silence. The only sound I heard was my own heartbeat in my ears. I got up to check the lake; the rain last night had turned to light fog and the lake was flat, fading off into infinity.

I ran down to the beach to say goodbye and it lisped back a regretful farewell. Then I climbed the 44 steps for the last time. And headed for home.

April 5, 2010
by dawnkinster 5 Comments

A few last cool things from up north

Northport March April 2010 1497 Today is my last day here in this tiny piece of northern bliss. As I was talking to my sister, watching the turquoise and navy lake bounce along in the sunshine the bald eagle made his second appearance of my stay. He casually sailed south down the beach, out just beyond the ridge. I got to watch him for a good long moment, so happy to see him once again before I leave.

Later in the morning I saw a huge ore carrier out on the lake. Red and white, it was sailing closer to me than the ships generally do, so I had a great view of it, though it still was too far away for the camera to capture. In fact, it’s in the photo above, do you see the small (tiny) white dot on the horizon? I was watching it using the binoculars and wished you all could see it and the lake the same way when I thought…why not try?

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Pretty cool ey? Though not as clear as I could see just using the binoculars, putting the camera lens up next to the binocular lens did give me a pretty interesting image. And now you can see the ship as well!

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I went out this afternoon to take pictures of a few last barns. Pretty afternoon, but being on the road made me all the more ready to get on the road for real, headed home. Tomorrow morning I’ll be on my way home to my husband and my Katie-girl. In many ways I can’t wait. In other ways I don’t want to leave. This hasn’t been the most successful retreat. I didn’t figure out the meaning of my life. I didn’t write an epic novel. I didn’t paint that masterpiece. I didn’t even lose any weight!

But I’m glad I came, and I’ve really thankful to the owner of this piece of heaven for sharing it, and her lovely cat, with me.

April 3, 2010
by dawnkinster 8 Comments

The sap is running

It’s time for maple syrup up here in the north. The trees were tapped when I got here three weeks ago, but I haven’t made time to share the photos with you. So since it’s my first rainy day here, and I’m inside baking cookies and reading a really good book, recommended to me by my “host” family, I’ll pause and let you see a couple of them.

The first pictures are from just up the road, taken when I went for my walk into the quiet woods.

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I loved the way the sun shone through the red buckets.

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And these are from further away. I noticed them during a drive with my husband and went back with the camera.

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It seemed like there were acres of trees with white buckets.

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I’d like to find someone actually cooking the syrup so I could see how that works. But so far I haven’t worked up enough courage to ask a stranger if I can watch, and I’ve only seen a couple places where I thought that might be happening.

Bloggers need more courage to investigate interesting places. Otherwise how can we share it all with you?

April 2, 2010
by dawnkinster 11 Comments

Today's northern adventure

This morning I headed down the Lake Michigan coast to Frankfort. Along the way I passed orchards and farms, rolling hills and beautiful lakes. I saw lots of things that would make good photos, but I only stopped to take pictures of a few of them.

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There were lots of beautiful farms.

Northport March April 2010 1104 And even more interesting old barns.

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Frankfort is south of the Sleeping Bear Dunes, big beautiful white sand dunes that we used to visit when we were children. Though I didn’t stop there, I did stop at Point Betsie, one of my parents’ favorite places. It’s where they camped on their honeymoon, and where they revisited on their fiftieth wedding anniversary. It’s where my favorite picture of my mother was taken by my dad. It’s a place I can almost feel them.

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It’s tucked away into the dunes.

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Pulling into the small parking area I noticed an older woman sitting on a bench watching the waves. She reminded me of my mother. A lot. Do you see her?

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Once I got to Frankfort I parked at the beach. What a beautiful day!

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There were high school kids playing in the water. I remember when I was that age and swam in our lake on my birthday (in April) each year, just to prove I could. I’m older and wiser and warmer now.

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Driving back north from Frankfort I traveled through more farms and steeper hills. When I saw this movie drive-in I just had to stop for a picture. If I lived around here I would so go to the movies at the drive-in! Wouldn’t you?

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One thing I’ve figured out; it’s really hard to photograph orchards when you’re on the same level as the trees. No matter what you do you can’t express in photos the endless symmetry of the rows and rows of trees. But I can try!

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It was a wonderful 6 hour round trip. The cat was very happy to see me when I got back to the house. I think she thought her second Mama had abandoned her! Silly girl, I was just out on an adventure!

Now I’m sitting with her in my lap, windows open so we can listen to the waves on the beach and thinking about working on a painting I started last night. Bliss.