Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

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Thanksgiving reflection

Dinner is over, the pie has been eaten, our guest is on her way home, and I have a moment to think about Thanksgiving and the giving of thanks. Regardless of my holiday induced emotional lows I recognize that I am truly lucky and have much to be thankful for. In these times when families often are torn apart by misunderstanding, political differences or forgotten arguments, my family, even with expressed differences, is still strongly supportive of each other. Though we live spread across the country, we know for certain that any one of us would be wherever we were needed in a heartbeat, should one of us need that support up close and personal. We can count on each other, and I’m thankful for that.

And in this economy where the unemployment in Michigan runs close to 10% I know that I am lucky to have not one, but two part time jobs. And I am exceedingly lucky that one of them is in my field and that I get to do the work I feel I was meant to do. Though it’s hard to remember the “lucky” part when I’m scraping ice off my windshield early in the morning on my way to one of the two jobs, I am thankful to have found employment this year.

I also know how lucky I am in my husband who has stood behind me while I left a lucrative career to start over in graduate school, and during my long hiatus of a summer with no work whatsoever. He talks to my siblings regularly when they call for support and is 100% behind each of them. That’s rare in a spouse, and I’m thankful for his support of me and my family.

And of course I’m thankful for Katie. Who wouldn’t be grateful to be the adopted mom of such a lovable little devil dog. I think she’s chewing up one of my shoes right now in reciprocal thankfulness!

And lastly I am thankful for my friends, those I’ve met in person, and those of you that I’ve only conversed with in cyberspace. You have all been incredibly supportive of my career change, and my emotional baggage. Thanks..so much…for listening!


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See? Tomorrow IS OK!

While I was not sleeping apparently it was snowing. This morning Katie and I ventured out late, having slept in after our long night of contemplation. The snow is deep enough in places that her belly drags through it. It’s beautiful, sticky wet snow, and Katie wanted to explore under every tree and shrub, looking for something to pounce on. Soon her fur hung with Christmas ornaments made of snow, which she occasionally tried to shake off.

I had to drag her back in the house; she wanted to stay outside all day! So today the ghosts of last night have receded again, and Katie and I can appreciate how beautiful everything looks in the fresh snow. Thanks for letting me spill all over you, it helps to have a place to store the images.


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Can't sleep tonight

The librarian who runs the branch where I worked today asked about my family and whether I was spending Thanksgiving with them. I explained all my siblings were gathering in the South but I couldn’t go this year. Then she asked if my parents would be there as well. I guess I could have said that they would be there, as I’m sure they’re around inside our hearts, but I just said they were both gone. Oddly, she asked how. Hardly anyone does that. So I gave her the brief three sentence explanation and we moved on. Or so I thought.

Turns out I can’t sleep tonight. Every time I close my eyes, there they are, Mom and Dad. And the memories just keep sliding through my mind. Mostly the memories of that summer day when my cell rang and I heard about Mom, and that early winter morning at work when both brothers called independently, their ragged voices supporting the truth of what they were saying about Dad, even though my mind refused to believe it. And the memories of standing in a UPS store late that night, two days before Christmas, waiting for a fax from the funeral home; a form for me to sign giving permission to the funeral home to cremate Dad without us seeing him. Because the damage from the semi truck crash was so great they said. And the employees in the UPS store laughing and goofing around behind the counter, and my husband getting angry with them. And me pulling him away and saying it was OK, they didn’t know. And memories of us sitting around the Christmas tree that Dad put up before he headed out to the airport that year, waiting for Christmas Day to be over so that we could start calling his friends. We didn’t want to ruin Christmas for them.

So this night I try to exercise those ghosts. But it isn’t working. Funny how you think you’re moving along, doing pretty good, and an innocent question, a quick reply can stay inside your head until you relax, and then you’re just blindsided again. And you realize that four years isn’t so long, and yet you keep it all to yourself because the rest of the world rightly has moved on, and you don’t want to drag them all through this again. And when your husband goes to bed after wondering aloud why you’re still up you just say simply that you can’t sleep and let it go.

Because really, what changes if you try to describe the inside of your eyelids to anyone else? The movie playing there is a private showing. And the only way you can get it to stop playing is to let it go on until it wears you down and you finally sleep. And tomorrow will be OK.


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Working, working, working

Today was my first shift at the library job. Last Friday was my first shift at the book store job. I have to say that I like both jobs, once I get there and start working. THINKING about going out to work is a different story. On the drive to work I’m wishing I didn’t have to go, and sometimes I watch the clock when I’m there, especially at the beginning of the book store job where I was on my own on a cash register, and there was a continuous line of customers. It felt like about an hour had gone by when really it was only 15 minutes. That was stressful; it had been almost ten days since I had been trained, and at first I couldn’t remember very much! But the other employees were helpful, and eventually I sort of got in a rhythm. As long as no one asked me anything beyond wanting to buy something! The library job this afternoon was fun too, but I had the same problem of not being able to remember just how to get everything done for the patrons, or the right answers to many of their questions. But it will all work out in the end. I hope.

Today we got some pretty significant snow, about 2.5 inches. Katie LOVES snow, so before I went to work we went outside to play. Here she is asking WHY she has to sit still when there are so many snowflakes to chase and catch!

Then we ran around the yard, her chasing my feet and pant leg as well as trying to catch all the falling snow, my shoes kicking up snowballs. We had a great time!

Eventually she looked like this…

…and I had to go to work, so we went inside; she played with her inside toys and her Dad, and I went on to work to make some money to buy dogfood and more toys!

Tomorrow and Wednesday I work 8 hours each, then a day off! YEA! I know I am lucky to have work, so this Thanksgiving I”ll be giving thanks for working again. Even though sometimes I don’t want to leave my warm house and head out. Hope you all have things to be thankful for as well!



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Week 2 of agility

This morning Katie and I went to our second class of agility. We worked on weaves where after three attempts she decided she’d follow my chicken scented fingers around the poles most of the time. But I had trouble having her on my right, as all our obedience stuff has had her on the left. The instructor is also our obedience instructor and she warned me “this might screw Katie up.” But it turned out to screw me up more than Katie! After weaves we did the teeter totter. BOY. Katie had never seen such a thing before, and at first, like the dogwalk last week, she wasn’t having anything to do with walking up the slippery thing! The second time she sort of got it…and by the third time she was willing to be led up it. The instructor held the other side so it didn’t bang and lowered it gently. I don’t think Katie even realized she was on something that moved, she was too interested in finding the next piece of chicken. Maybe she’s TOO food motivated!

Then we did a short bunch of activities, starting with the tire, then the broad jump (which Katie loves), the tunnel, then the table, then weaves, then two jumps right in a row, and finally the chute. She hated the tire last week, but this week she hopped through it when she saw me on the other side. She leaped right over the broad jump, and actually ran through the tunnel on her own! She got confused where to go next because I was so surprised she ran through the tunnel I was late getting to her on the other side, but eventually she made it up onto the table where she did her DOWN! very nicely, then we sort of mucked our way through the weaves. Then the funniest thing happened. We got to the jumps and she STOPPED. Just stopped and refused to go over the first one at all. The instructor called to me to jump over with her…so we tried that. I jumped over and she sat down and watched me. Everyone laughed. I tried again, no dice. Finally we decided to lower the bar, and as Katie is dancing around wildly on her leash, the instructor and I try to get the pole moved down one rung. We’re fumbling around with it, me on one side, the instructor on the other, and Katie nimbly hops over the thing and turns to look at us like “what’s the deal with you two? ” and then she BARKED at us! I guess she was ready to get going. She ran right through the chute with the instructor holding up the end so she could see. YEA KATIE!!!

Good job little girl, on only your second day at agility! Next week is the last week of the 4 week class. I think I have to get some stuff so we can play in the basement this winter. We could practice obedience there too. Right after I get motivated and clean up a space for us to work down there.

Now I have to get ready to go to my book store job. Katie is napping in a chair. Think I wore her out.


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Real life wears me out

I completed a week of orientation and training for my new library job. I am so thankful to have this position, it’s exhilarating to be officially part of a library system again. Yet I am also exhausted. There is so much to learn between the two jobs, both begun in the last 10 days. And worse, there is all that other information stored in my brain, left over from the previous library job which ended seven months ago. So hard to keep it all straight! I work tomorrow at the book store job, where I was trained nine days ago, and at this moment I can barely remember my login. I think they expect me to sign in and go, all on my own. I hope I don’t make a costly error. Mostly I hope to just survive and be somewhat of an asset there. The library work I know I can be an asset, the book store? Hard to say.

Due to all the new job stuff I have somewhat forgotten about Thanksgiving which is rapidly approaching. I had planned on going south to be with family, but that was before I was hired twice. So this year I did the unthinkable and ordered Thanksgiving from a grocery store. I don’t have the time or the energy to make a big dinner. We’re picking up husband’s 92 year old aunt for dinner, and there will be leftovers, so the day will qualify as a family holiday!

Now that I’m back to work I remember how working sort of interfered with life. At least for the most part I am going to enjoy this life interference and that makes it OK…but I’m still exhausted!


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Expanding the mind to hold all the new stuff in

Today was day two of orientation for the library job; sixteen hours of new facts, figures, procedures, policies and demonstrations under my belt. That’s on top of the seven hours of on the job training late last week at the book store new job. The two positions are somewhat alike, and yet totally different. My mind is becoming tired from being forever alert, trying to absorb everything like a sponge without letting any of the valuable information leak back out. I think I will like the work in each place, but hope that I can manage to juggle them both without becoming a burden to either of the schedule makers. Other people do this, juggle two jobs, it can’t be impossible. But it seems pretty difficult at the moment.

And I’m tired. I’m not used to being attentive for this many hours, this many days in a row! After a summer of no employment, it’s been a shock to find myself an employee in two places at once. And gee, what’s all this about having to look appropriate? Six months of slovenly wardrobe choices has made getting dressed in real clothes somewhat of a chore. I can’t wait to get out of them and back into sweats as soon as I get home. And another thing about having a job….no one is doing the vacuuming or laundry while I’m gone. What’s up with that?!

Tonight as I pulled into the grocery store there was a wave of relief that washed over me. I wondered why that was, given grocery shopping isn’t that high on my favorite things list. Then it hit me. At least I know what I’m doing when I’m grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like I knew what I was doing for several days now and it felt good to do something familiar. Now that’s sad!


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Day 1 in agility

Katie and I went to our first agility class this morning. Katie is still wound up, she had so much fun! The day started out stresfull for me, as our power went out last night and was still off this morning. The house was cold and dark. I couldn’t find her shot record, and I didn’t have enough cash on me for the class. So we left early, stopped at the vet for a shot record and the bank for money. By this time Katie was shaking in fear in the back, because she figured out this wasn’t her normal “school” trip. She loves school and I kept assuring her we were going to school but she wasn’t buying it.

Once she arrived at school, and I carried her across a puddle filled parking lot and into the building where she found other dogs she was fine. We practiced chute a bunch, apparently that was the problem for most of the other dogs last week. Katie and I hadn’t been able to go last week because I had orientation for my new job, so we watched a few dogs try it without much success. Katie wasn’t too excited about it either the first time, till she saw me at the other end with my CHICKEN treat for her. After about 3 times she was willing to run through the chute as long as there was a little bit of daylight at the end. She really didn’t like the dogwalk, at least starting out on it, she was OK once she got going. Jumps were no problem, but she had no idea what that table thing was all about, and she totally refused to jump through the tire. Weaves were ok, she followed my chicken scented fingers, the broad jump was fun, and she likes the tunnel. She thinks. Maybe. We’ll see next week.

Now I have to go and play, she’s WAY wound up! And it’s raining outside.


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You know you've had a bad day when…

Katie and I went to week three of advanced doggie school last night. Many things converged to make this a not so good night for her. With my foot in a boot for the stress fracture, the weather turned cold and windy and me being out of the house more for interviews I’ve spent less time with her working on her homework. So I already figured it wouldn’t be a stellar night. I wasn’t wrong. She was a crazy girl, not wanting to even sit when asked, leaping on people (she used to be shy, that has been fixed!) grabbing for treats, barking at the instructor when he talked too long and kept her waiting, and growling at a dog over in the corner that already has issues and doesn’t need feisty little Katie telling him off.

The topic for the evening was getting the dogs to go DOWN! when we said so, with no hand signals or head motion. Just the word DOWN! Well. Katie will only go down when I motion with my hand. I’ve worked a bit on trying to move her to do it just on a voice command, but I knew darn well she wasn’t going to do it. So we’re in a circle, and the instructor in the middle of the circle is asking each person to have their dog go down. The one just before us went down really slow, and the instructor commented that it was too slow. I told the group that was going to look mighty speedy compared to Katie’s response to my command. And sure enough when I told her to DOWN! she merely looked at me and blinked. Several commands later she was bored and watching the dog in the corner. The instructor says she’s blowing me off. No kidding. So after he finished going around the circle he came over to show me how to train her. He had her treat in one hand, the leash in the other, shouted DOWN! and jerked down on the leash and she went crazy, leaping up, eyes rolling, backing away from him terrified. Great. He felt terrible. He’s used to German Shepherds who aren’t as sensitive as Katie.

Then later in the hour the class of six people and their dogs were split, 3 on each end of a large room. Two by two we put our dogs into a sit/stay and went out to the center of the room. One by one we were asked to call our dogs. Katie does that beautifully. Then he tried it again, with two of us calling our dogs at the same time, from opposite ends of the room. The other dog on our turn is a Mastiff. Biggest dog I’ve ever seen, he is 8 mos old and about 150 pounds. Katie is almost 2 and 17 pounds. So we’re to call our dogs, I have my back to the mastiff, his owner has her back to Katie, we call, and the mastiff races across the room and tackles Katie who had almost made it to me. I never saw it coming. It’s the fastest I’ve ever seen that big dog move. I leapt in between them, (Katie was rolled on her back on the floor, and the mastiff was sniffing her, no dog fight), scooped her up and felt her little heart just pounding away.

So all in all, Katie didn’t have fun at school, though she usually loves it. She still wanted nothing to do with the instructor by the end of the lesson, didn’t even want his roast beef, and was keeping a fair distance away from all the other dogs as well. Today she didn’t want to get in the car when we went to the park, but after about 15 minutes of homework and 30 minutes of walking in the woods she seems fine. I hope next week goes better, I think it will, the instructor was horrified by the mastiff rolling Katie, and very worried about her reaction to him as well. We’ll see.

Meanwhile I go off to my first shift of my first part time job in approximately 20 minutes!


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Watching retirement slip away

A disadvantage of not being at work all day is that I get to watch CNN and CNBC and Headline News…all of which seem to have nothing on but coverage of the economy; the sinking stock market, the housing market in disarray, bailouts, threatened bankruptcy of the entire auto industry and arguments about what is best done to save us from ourselves. As I watch my retirement slip away I am grateful for the work I have been able to find, and I wonder what the future will bring us all.

If the large automakers fall into bankruptcy all bets are off. Since my other half is employed with General Motors, we watch their sinking stock prices, and their shrinking cash reserves with fear. At a time in our lives that we thought we’d be secure we are not. Though we worked hard throughout our lives, we are still unprepared. And we are in better shape than most. We will all have to learn to live leaner and though it won’t be fun, it just might be good for us. Though Katie is still holding out for more dog toys.