Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Real life wears me out

I completed a week of orientation and training for my new library job. I am so thankful to have this position, it’s exhilarating to be officially part of a library system again. Yet I am also exhausted. There is so much to learn between the two jobs, both begun in the last 10 days. And worse, there is all that other information stored in my brain, left over from the previous library job which ended seven months ago. So hard to keep it all straight! I work tomorrow at the book store job, where I was trained nine days ago, and at this moment I can barely remember my login. I think they expect me to sign in and go, all on my own. I hope I don’t make a costly error. Mostly I hope to just survive and be somewhat of an asset there. The library work I know I can be an asset, the book store? Hard to say.

Due to all the new job stuff I have somewhat forgotten about Thanksgiving which is rapidly approaching. I had planned on going south to be with family, but that was before I was hired twice. So this year I did the unthinkable and ordered Thanksgiving from a grocery store. I don’t have the time or the energy to make a big dinner. We’re picking up husband’s 92 year old aunt for dinner, and there will be leftovers, so the day will qualify as a family holiday!

Now that I’m back to work I remember how working sort of interfered with life. At least for the most part I am going to enjoy this life interference and that makes it OK…but I’m still exhausted!


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Expanding the mind to hold all the new stuff in

Today was day two of orientation for the library job; sixteen hours of new facts, figures, procedures, policies and demonstrations under my belt. That’s on top of the seven hours of on the job training late last week at the book store new job. The two positions are somewhat alike, and yet totally different. My mind is becoming tired from being forever alert, trying to absorb everything like a sponge without letting any of the valuable information leak back out. I think I will like the work in each place, but hope that I can manage to juggle them both without becoming a burden to either of the schedule makers. Other people do this, juggle two jobs, it can’t be impossible. But it seems pretty difficult at the moment.

And I’m tired. I’m not used to being attentive for this many hours, this many days in a row! After a summer of no employment, it’s been a shock to find myself an employee in two places at once. And gee, what’s all this about having to look appropriate? Six months of slovenly wardrobe choices has made getting dressed in real clothes somewhat of a chore. I can’t wait to get out of them and back into sweats as soon as I get home. And another thing about having a job….no one is doing the vacuuming or laundry while I’m gone. What’s up with that?!

Tonight as I pulled into the grocery store there was a wave of relief that washed over me. I wondered why that was, given grocery shopping isn’t that high on my favorite things list. Then it hit me. At least I know what I’m doing when I’m grocery shopping. I haven’t felt like I knew what I was doing for several days now and it felt good to do something familiar. Now that’s sad!


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Day 1 in agility

Katie and I went to our first agility class this morning. Katie is still wound up, she had so much fun! The day started out stresfull for me, as our power went out last night and was still off this morning. The house was cold and dark. I couldn’t find her shot record, and I didn’t have enough cash on me for the class. So we left early, stopped at the vet for a shot record and the bank for money. By this time Katie was shaking in fear in the back, because she figured out this wasn’t her normal “school” trip. She loves school and I kept assuring her we were going to school but she wasn’t buying it.

Once she arrived at school, and I carried her across a puddle filled parking lot and into the building where she found other dogs she was fine. We practiced chute a bunch, apparently that was the problem for most of the other dogs last week. Katie and I hadn’t been able to go last week because I had orientation for my new job, so we watched a few dogs try it without much success. Katie wasn’t too excited about it either the first time, till she saw me at the other end with my CHICKEN treat for her. After about 3 times she was willing to run through the chute as long as there was a little bit of daylight at the end. She really didn’t like the dogwalk, at least starting out on it, she was OK once she got going. Jumps were no problem, but she had no idea what that table thing was all about, and she totally refused to jump through the tire. Weaves were ok, she followed my chicken scented fingers, the broad jump was fun, and she likes the tunnel. She thinks. Maybe. We’ll see next week.

Now I have to go and play, she’s WAY wound up! And it’s raining outside.


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You know you've had a bad day when…

Katie and I went to week three of advanced doggie school last night. Many things converged to make this a not so good night for her. With my foot in a boot for the stress fracture, the weather turned cold and windy and me being out of the house more for interviews I’ve spent less time with her working on her homework. So I already figured it wouldn’t be a stellar night. I wasn’t wrong. She was a crazy girl, not wanting to even sit when asked, leaping on people (she used to be shy, that has been fixed!) grabbing for treats, barking at the instructor when he talked too long and kept her waiting, and growling at a dog over in the corner that already has issues and doesn’t need feisty little Katie telling him off.

The topic for the evening was getting the dogs to go DOWN! when we said so, with no hand signals or head motion. Just the word DOWN! Well. Katie will only go down when I motion with my hand. I’ve worked a bit on trying to move her to do it just on a voice command, but I knew darn well she wasn’t going to do it. So we’re in a circle, and the instructor in the middle of the circle is asking each person to have their dog go down. The one just before us went down really slow, and the instructor commented that it was too slow. I told the group that was going to look mighty speedy compared to Katie’s response to my command. And sure enough when I told her to DOWN! she merely looked at me and blinked. Several commands later she was bored and watching the dog in the corner. The instructor says she’s blowing me off. No kidding. So after he finished going around the circle he came over to show me how to train her. He had her treat in one hand, the leash in the other, shouted DOWN! and jerked down on the leash and she went crazy, leaping up, eyes rolling, backing away from him terrified. Great. He felt terrible. He’s used to German Shepherds who aren’t as sensitive as Katie.

Then later in the hour the class of six people and their dogs were split, 3 on each end of a large room. Two by two we put our dogs into a sit/stay and went out to the center of the room. One by one we were asked to call our dogs. Katie does that beautifully. Then he tried it again, with two of us calling our dogs at the same time, from opposite ends of the room. The other dog on our turn is a Mastiff. Biggest dog I’ve ever seen, he is 8 mos old and about 150 pounds. Katie is almost 2 and 17 pounds. So we’re to call our dogs, I have my back to the mastiff, his owner has her back to Katie, we call, and the mastiff races across the room and tackles Katie who had almost made it to me. I never saw it coming. It’s the fastest I’ve ever seen that big dog move. I leapt in between them, (Katie was rolled on her back on the floor, and the mastiff was sniffing her, no dog fight), scooped her up and felt her little heart just pounding away.

So all in all, Katie didn’t have fun at school, though she usually loves it. She still wanted nothing to do with the instructor by the end of the lesson, didn’t even want his roast beef, and was keeping a fair distance away from all the other dogs as well. Today she didn’t want to get in the car when we went to the park, but after about 15 minutes of homework and 30 minutes of walking in the woods she seems fine. I hope next week goes better, I think it will, the instructor was horrified by the mastiff rolling Katie, and very worried about her reaction to him as well. We’ll see.

Meanwhile I go off to my first shift of my first part time job in approximately 20 minutes!


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Watching retirement slip away

A disadvantage of not being at work all day is that I get to watch CNN and CNBC and Headline News…all of which seem to have nothing on but coverage of the economy; the sinking stock market, the housing market in disarray, bailouts, threatened bankruptcy of the entire auto industry and arguments about what is best done to save us from ourselves. As I watch my retirement slip away I am grateful for the work I have been able to find, and I wonder what the future will bring us all.

If the large automakers fall into bankruptcy all bets are off. Since my other half is employed with General Motors, we watch their sinking stock prices, and their shrinking cash reserves with fear. At a time in our lives that we thought we’d be secure we are not. Though we worked hard throughout our lives, we are still unprepared. And we are in better shape than most. We will all have to learn to live leaner and though it won’t be fun, it just might be good for us. Though Katie is still holding out for more dog toys.


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When life's blocks come tumbling down

Sometimes you can be going along building your life, stacking your blocks so to speak without much concern for whether their height can be supported by their strength. Just blindly building the way you figure you’re supposed to, when suddenly someone pulls the string that brings it all down. Even when you know there’s a string attached it can still hurt when the blocks come tumbling down. Oh maybe not right away, maybe right at the moment you’re sort of relieved that they fell, because you always thought they might, and worrying about it was worse than experiencing it. But still. The actual crash is bound to hurt eventually. When you let it.

When you’re ready you can start picking up your life’s blocks. Examine each and figure out which blocks to keep for the new foundation and which to let go. You’ll be redesigning life as it is going to be from now on, and that’s OK. Rebuild that foundation by accepting the strength you find from family and friends, and start building that new life. After your mourn what was you can appreciate what is.

image:  Christmas present, circa 1966


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Waiting at the gate

This morning as Katie and I ventured outside for our morning stroll, we noted that the trees were full of birds. And the birds were all making noise; chirping, squawking, screeching, and flying around chasing each other. The noise was quite overwhelming. We stood still in the driveway, listening and watching. I finally figured out the trees were full of robins, all talking excitedly, some chasing each other through the limbs of trees, others hopping from limb to limb. All of them were making noise. I kept thinking it reminded me of something…what? Then it came to me. The robins were acting like excited passengers on the way to a great vacation destination, all excited, ready to go. And the more I watched and listened the more they resembled a high school class at the airport, on their way to Cancun for spring break. Chatting excitedly, chasing each other around, the noise level escalating as the departure time moves closer. I guess the robins are getting ready for their trip south. It sounds like they can’t wait to get there!

I got the library job. I can’t wait to get there either. (Just checking to see if you’re paying attention.)


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My backyard

I was mowing the yard yesterday for the last time this summer (again…what’s with this warm weather?) when I realized there was still a LOT of fall color, particularly in the shrubs and some of the newer trees. So I stopped right in the middle of the lawn and went inside for the camera. For the rest of the afternoon I mowed slower, stopped more often, and enjoyed the task more as I snapped pictures along the way. As my husband painted the house, and the dog watched from her kennel, I’m sure they were wondering what I was doing. Tonight I had a chance to look at what I shot for the first time. There were so many pretty pictures I couldn’t figure out which to show you. So I put several together below. I really think this will be the last of the fall color blogs. Maybe.

See ya,


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A New Day

After watching the election results last night I find myself in the unusual place of having no words to express myself. It seems all the best words have already been used. It’s historical…a time of change…hopeful…energizing…inspiring. All those things are true, but it’s more than that. It’s history in the making that we got to watch live, and it was a happy historical moment. No one had to die, the world didn’t crumble, and yet we will all remember where we were when we knew that America finally made a huge step toward true equality for all. There was nothing but joyful tears and excited cheering, and it is important to note that all kinds of people were cheering, shoulder to shoulder, in Chicago, in New York, and around the world. Their faces were rapt, and their eyes filled as they listened to the inspirational acceptance speech.

Even if you didn’t vote for the new president-elect I hope you can feel some of the overwhelming excitement, the first we’ve felt for many months, even years. The best part is that regardless of how you voted, you get to come along for the ride, to participate in the changing of America for the better. We have hope, new plans and exciting ideas to look forward to. And though the road will be long, the work will be difficult, and some of the gilding will likely become tarnished, we have turned a corner. Together we can make things better for all of us. We can make a difference.

Yes we can.