Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Working working working…and a crazy sheltie

One of the unforeseen consequences of having and working two jobs is that Katie has turned into a wild thing.  She was used to having me around all summer, and apparently she likes it that way.  Well, that’s understandable; so did I.  But now that I’m coming and going, away from the house for long hours at a time, she is turning into a demanding little girl when I finally walk in the door.  Like in:  “what’s up Mom?  huh?  huh?  huh?  hey, what’s to eat?  hey! hey! hey!  want to play with my ball? how about my frisbee, my doggie, my squirrel, either of my frogs?  How about the tug toy. huh? huh? huh?  poke poke…hey, I’m hungry, yes I know Dad fed me before he left, but do YOU know Dad fed me?  Maybe not?  Big eyes, whine…maybe we could play some more AND get a treat AND go outside all at the same time..huh? huh? huh? and by the way did you know that THERE ARE DEER SLEEPING IN OUR BACK YARD RIGHT THIS MINUTE!  AND YOU HAVE TO GO LOOK RIGHHHHTTTT NOOOWW!!!! CRISIS ALERT!

So I can’t seem to get anything done at home in between working shifts except play with Katie.  Which isn’t all bad you know, I just feel bad that the laundry and dishes and vacuuming aren’t done.  Not to mention Christmas stuff.  But really, Katie deserves an attentive Mom, right?  We try to practice our dog obedience homework every day but last week in class she just looked at me like she’d never heard the word “DOWN!” before.  She does it fine here…is too interested in looking for treats on the floor there.  Oh well…class is almost over for the semester.  I guess it’s just important that I can get her to DOWN! here at home.

During this crazy time I hope you and yours are remembering to spend quality time with your loved ones, people, dogs or whatever.  Even without constant reminding.


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A mile in winter

As I was driving to work the other day I saw a sign in front of a store that something like “A mile driven is two in winter.”  I don’t really know what that meant to the people in the landscaping establishment, but it struck a chord with me.  Seems like many things are just twice as difficult this winter.  The snow came sooner and is sticking around, it’s doubly cold here for this time of year.  The economy is frightening, and most of our income is attached to General Motors which increases the fear factor.  And of course I’m working two jobs, something I’ve never done before.  It’s difficult to find a space where things feel normal, happy, comfortable.   Frankly I miss being inside the safe, sheltered, and to be honest, slightly dilusional world of grad school.  Cause the real world is pretty darn difficult right now.  Each mile we cover, so far this winter, feels like we’ve just run two.  Here’s hoping things begin to look up once we get to 2009.

Meanwhile…I’m off to work, I had the weekend off, but they called for backup help at the bookstore.  Can’t wait to face all those friendly shoppers!  Well.  Some of them are friendly.  But lots of them also look like they just ran two miles to make it the one mile into the store.  If you know what I mean.


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Ceramic Christmas trees revisited

When I was a teenager my mother owned a ceramics store where people came in and finished ceramic pieces.  At this time of the year we’d be firing hundreds of Christmas trees in our kilns.  Most of them were finished with assorted green glazes, some had a type of glaze on the ends of the boughs that resembled snow after they were fired.  We did so many of them that I vowed I never wanted to see another ceramic Christmas tree.  Ever.  As it turned out my husband and I inherited one from his mother, and  I put it out every year, smiling  as I remember.

On my way home from work last night, driving slowly through driving snow I realized that almost all the huge pine trees along the roads were covered in great big wads of sticky snow.  And they looked just like the ceramic trees of my youth!  They were everywhere!  Guess you just can’t escape your past.  That’s OK.  They’re beautiful and I didn’t have to load a kiln, or pack them in a box with shredded paper for our customers!

Katie and I wish all of you out there a very happy holiday, whether you have a ceramic Christmas tree or not!


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Last agility class

Saturday Katie went to her last (for now) agility class.  Husband and I got to go along as well.  She wasn’t scared at all on the way, maybe because her Dad was in the car with us, or maybe because the longer driver didn’t worry her anymore.  She ran right into the building, all eager to get going.  And of course, while the instructor talked at the beginning of the class she barked at us all to HURRY UP!  This week’s obstacle was the A-frame.  Katie had never seen such a thing before and at first she didn’t want anything to do with climbing it.  Even with chicken placed up the slope!  No way!  Not going up there!  Then the instructor told me to pick her up and put her on the top.  Well!  She took one look at the chicken leading the way down the other side, and she scrambled down, gulping treats all the way.  We tried it again right away and Katie was up and over that A-frame before we even put any chicken down.  The third try was the same.  Success!  When it came time to run all the obstacles Katie just flew up and over the A-frame and through the tunnel, had no trouble with the jumps and sort of made it through the weaves, following my fingers.  But she really doesn’t like the beginning of the dog walk, and the tire is still confusing.  She balked at the chute every time, until someone held up the other end so she could see me.  But then every dog in the class balked at the chute.  And she was moving so fast when she landed on the table that she nearly slid off the other side, but she was laughing all the way.  She had a wonderful time!  Too bad it’s the last class until January.  Hopfully I’ll be able to enroll her again for more fun then.


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India isn't so far away

I’ve been watching developments in India (and as I write that I can hear in my mind my Indian professors and graduate assistants say the word “development” with their own unique pronunciation) and at first I thought, as many probably did, that these events were unrelated to me, far away, not my worry.  But the more I listened and the more I became engaged with the story, the more I realized I knew people with families and friends in India, and I didn’t know where they were or if they were OK.  And that made the whole horrific thing more real, more tragic and much more scary.

One of the librarians I work for is Indian, and just last Tuesday she was talking about a trip back to India, so she must have family still there.  My sister-in-law has friends in India, that she recently visited, though she assures me they are all safe in another city.  And my second semester of graduate school, January 2007, I had an Indian graduate assistant that taught a discussion section I attended.  I suddenly remembered him as I listened to the Indian comandos describe their search inside the bloody  hotel, the accent as he spoke in English exactly the same as the graduate student explaining algebra to me.  I know that “T” went home to India in the middle of the semester because his father died, so obviously he has family there as well.  I don’t even remember his last name which I’d need to find him to inquire if his family is safe, but I think of him now and sincerely hope they are.

It’s sad to think that only by recognizing that I know people who might be directly affected by the terrorism in India did I begin to pay attention.  The world is small, and we are all closer than we think to events everywhere else.  What is frightening to them should be frightening to us.  Is frightening to us.  Because they are us, and we are them, and it is only by grace that we have not faced similar atrocities in our own neighborhoods.


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Thanksgiving reflection

Dinner is over, the pie has been eaten, our guest is on her way home, and I have a moment to think about Thanksgiving and the giving of thanks. Regardless of my holiday induced emotional lows I recognize that I am truly lucky and have much to be thankful for. In these times when families often are torn apart by misunderstanding, political differences or forgotten arguments, my family, even with expressed differences, is still strongly supportive of each other. Though we live spread across the country, we know for certain that any one of us would be wherever we were needed in a heartbeat, should one of us need that support up close and personal. We can count on each other, and I’m thankful for that.

And in this economy where the unemployment in Michigan runs close to 10% I know that I am lucky to have not one, but two part time jobs. And I am exceedingly lucky that one of them is in my field and that I get to do the work I feel I was meant to do. Though it’s hard to remember the “lucky” part when I’m scraping ice off my windshield early in the morning on my way to one of the two jobs, I am thankful to have found employment this year.

I also know how lucky I am in my husband who has stood behind me while I left a lucrative career to start over in graduate school, and during my long hiatus of a summer with no work whatsoever. He talks to my siblings regularly when they call for support and is 100% behind each of them. That’s rare in a spouse, and I’m thankful for his support of me and my family.

And of course I’m thankful for Katie. Who wouldn’t be grateful to be the adopted mom of such a lovable little devil dog. I think she’s chewing up one of my shoes right now in reciprocal thankfulness!

And lastly I am thankful for my friends, those I’ve met in person, and those of you that I’ve only conversed with in cyberspace. You have all been incredibly supportive of my career change, and my emotional baggage. Thanks..so much…for listening!


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See? Tomorrow IS OK!

While I was not sleeping apparently it was snowing. This morning Katie and I ventured out late, having slept in after our long night of contemplation. The snow is deep enough in places that her belly drags through it. It’s beautiful, sticky wet snow, and Katie wanted to explore under every tree and shrub, looking for something to pounce on. Soon her fur hung with Christmas ornaments made of snow, which she occasionally tried to shake off.

I had to drag her back in the house; she wanted to stay outside all day! So today the ghosts of last night have receded again, and Katie and I can appreciate how beautiful everything looks in the fresh snow. Thanks for letting me spill all over you, it helps to have a place to store the images.


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Can't sleep tonight

The librarian who runs the branch where I worked today asked about my family and whether I was spending Thanksgiving with them. I explained all my siblings were gathering in the South but I couldn’t go this year. Then she asked if my parents would be there as well. I guess I could have said that they would be there, as I’m sure they’re around inside our hearts, but I just said they were both gone. Oddly, she asked how. Hardly anyone does that. So I gave her the brief three sentence explanation and we moved on. Or so I thought.

Turns out I can’t sleep tonight. Every time I close my eyes, there they are, Mom and Dad. And the memories just keep sliding through my mind. Mostly the memories of that summer day when my cell rang and I heard about Mom, and that early winter morning at work when both brothers called independently, their ragged voices supporting the truth of what they were saying about Dad, even though my mind refused to believe it. And the memories of standing in a UPS store late that night, two days before Christmas, waiting for a fax from the funeral home; a form for me to sign giving permission to the funeral home to cremate Dad without us seeing him. Because the damage from the semi truck crash was so great they said. And the employees in the UPS store laughing and goofing around behind the counter, and my husband getting angry with them. And me pulling him away and saying it was OK, they didn’t know. And memories of us sitting around the Christmas tree that Dad put up before he headed out to the airport that year, waiting for Christmas Day to be over so that we could start calling his friends. We didn’t want to ruin Christmas for them.

So this night I try to exercise those ghosts. But it isn’t working. Funny how you think you’re moving along, doing pretty good, and an innocent question, a quick reply can stay inside your head until you relax, and then you’re just blindsided again. And you realize that four years isn’t so long, and yet you keep it all to yourself because the rest of the world rightly has moved on, and you don’t want to drag them all through this again. And when your husband goes to bed after wondering aloud why you’re still up you just say simply that you can’t sleep and let it go.

Because really, what changes if you try to describe the inside of your eyelids to anyone else? The movie playing there is a private showing. And the only way you can get it to stop playing is to let it go on until it wears you down and you finally sleep. And tomorrow will be OK.


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Working, working, working

Today was my first shift at the library job. Last Friday was my first shift at the book store job. I have to say that I like both jobs, once I get there and start working. THINKING about going out to work is a different story. On the drive to work I’m wishing I didn’t have to go, and sometimes I watch the clock when I’m there, especially at the beginning of the book store job where I was on my own on a cash register, and there was a continuous line of customers. It felt like about an hour had gone by when really it was only 15 minutes. That was stressful; it had been almost ten days since I had been trained, and at first I couldn’t remember very much! But the other employees were helpful, and eventually I sort of got in a rhythm. As long as no one asked me anything beyond wanting to buy something! The library job this afternoon was fun too, but I had the same problem of not being able to remember just how to get everything done for the patrons, or the right answers to many of their questions. But it will all work out in the end. I hope.

Today we got some pretty significant snow, about 2.5 inches. Katie LOVES snow, so before I went to work we went outside to play. Here she is asking WHY she has to sit still when there are so many snowflakes to chase and catch!

Then we ran around the yard, her chasing my feet and pant leg as well as trying to catch all the falling snow, my shoes kicking up snowballs. We had a great time!

Eventually she looked like this…

…and I had to go to work, so we went inside; she played with her inside toys and her Dad, and I went on to work to make some money to buy dogfood and more toys!

Tomorrow and Wednesday I work 8 hours each, then a day off! YEA! I know I am lucky to have work, so this Thanksgiving I”ll be giving thanks for working again. Even though sometimes I don’t want to leave my warm house and head out. Hope you all have things to be thankful for as well!