Change Is Hard

I took a moment this morning to scan through a listing of library job postings.  Of course I saw nothing near me, but did forward a couple of promising posts to a friend looking for academic librarianship in the south.  Georgia and Tennessee sound nice about now as I look out over my snow covered yard criss-crossed by tracks of the deer who ate my shrubs last night.

I’m headed to my local library shortly to begin working on the cheat sheets for my Wednesday midterm in complex web design.  Can’t do it here, as Katie (the dog) has a new name:   KATIE-NO!  The only way she will settle down is if I open the slider and let her snif the fresh (and freezing) air outside.  Meanwhile the furnace is running nonstop.  So I’m abandoning ship.  At the library I can have heat AND peace.

 I need to find work, and I need to get more serious about looking soon.  Maybe sooner than later.  Wish I could spread my wings and fly to some new interesting far-away place, but reality says I need to find something here.  Hopefully something will turn up if I am patient.  And if I get my resume out there…anywhere within a 30 minute commute would make me happy.

I drove through a blizzard today on my way to Ann Arbor and a tutoring date with a fellow student.  It was worth it!  Turns out my whole problem (well most of it) was that I didn’t save a change I made way up at the top of the assignment.  So OF COURSE there was nothing there for my next processes to work with!  And the good news is, I came to this conclusion almost by myself as we worked around what I thought I had done, trying to figure out why it wasn’t working.

I made it through to the end of the assignment with quite a bit of navigational help.  I can’t say for sure if I could do it again myself, though I think I could right now.  Right this second anyway.  I’m going to try it again tomorrow to see if most of the logic of it sunk in.   Plus I’ll be spending most of tomorrow studying for the written exam which is Wednesday.

I was reading a couple of older blog entries.  There was one not so long ago when I said I was enjoying my classes, even my web class, but to remind me of that when I’m stressing over the midterm.  It would be very good if some of you would remind me that I’m enjoying school.  I need that confirmation now!

I am so stressed by the web design study for my midterm, and this morning  particularly by assignment 7 that I can’t seem to figure out how to even start, that I decided to come back to this blog and figure out how to make my photo in last night’s entry fit better.  When I wrote the entry last night I noticed the picture was way too big, but I was so far beyond tired that I didn’t want to dink around with it then.

Today, I got so mad at my assignment 7 I decided I was going to prove that I could fix a stupid image in a blog, so I came back here, went into edit and for the first time noticed the “code” tab.  Clicking on that I found, to my surprise (Da!) HTML!  🙂  I KNOW HTML! (ok, just a little, but still!)  So I read along that and found my image tag and the stuff about the size of the photo and I changed it and GUESS WHAT?  The photo is a much more effective size and no longer overlays all the other data at the right! 

WOOHOO!

Now…for those of you that don’t struggle with this stuff you have no idea.  I have begun to doubt why I am even in school if I can’t get this stuff with so much help from so many people.  I am beginning to wonder why I even try, and then I get an opportunity to use the tiny bit of knowledge that I’ve gained so far from the class and it’s a real high in an odd sort of way to accomplish something.  Not to say that this will actually make me PASS the stupid midterm.  But for a moment, no matter how short, I feel  pretty OK about it. 

So I’m studying, off and on, for my midterm. I have now gone through all the weeks of lecture notes, matching up what is in my notes to the slides from the lectures to the slides of the midterm review. I think I get most of it, at least on paper. Actually doing it will be something else, but that’s not until two weeks from today, so for now I’m just trying to get the written test material down. For the most recent topics I recognize I need to do the homework assignment to better understand what’s going on. But, of course, I can’t even figure out how to START the homework assignment. I emailed the professor yesterday with my beginning questions, but so far no response. I hope he’s not tanning down in Florida.

In between study periods I worked on a knitting project. I’m knitting a sweater for my sister. She saw it in the window of a Traverse City yarn shop when we were traveling last summer. She bought the pattern, I went to my local library and retaught myself how to do some fancy stitches, and away we go! It’s a nice relaxing thing to do that doesn’t allow you to eat while you’re doing it, two benefits in one project!

I’m also beginning to do homework for my other two classes. I realize I can’t focus my entire week on the web class, as frightening as it has become. So I worked on my collection management group project, doing some research for our group paper. And tonight, even though it is after 8 p.m. I’m starting on my individual paper that is due a week from Monday. Once I’m back in school and at work next week I will have less time to get this done, so I’d like to get it done or at least roughed in this week. Next week I will be stressing over the practical web design exam and a presentation as well as this individual paper, all due within three days of each other. Better to get as much done as I can. Studying for the web test just isn’t productive after awhile.

So…knit, knit, yarn over, slip stitch, knit two together…write a paragraph or two…sit and contemplate….write another paragraph, knit some more…it will all work out. But I wish it was the end of March instead of the end of February! Then I’d be ALMOST DONE!

Though technically spring break lasts till next Monday, I need to get my head in gear and back to work.  I wrote a paper yesterday that is due Thursday of next week, but mostly I am procrastinating in order not to study for a mid-term in the dreaded web design course that is a week from tomorrow.  Here I have this entire week, free from work, free from school, to catch up and finally understand the fundamentals of html and ruby and other computer jargon and I am avoiding it like the plague.  Actually the plague sounds like more fun.

I did work my way through the first two weeks lecture notes, and wonder of wonders I did suddenly see some things in a new light and even had a couple of AHA! moments when I finally understood some things that had stymied me previously.  But not a lot of such moments.  And I have so many more weeks of lectures to labor over.   My mind is almost frozen in fear, and I get stomach aches when I think about taking an exam for this course.  At other (short) moments I think I can handle some of the written exam, and am only paralyzed at the thought of the practical exam the following week.  Regardless, I need to get past this and take this opportunity to figure out at least enough to pass the class.

Remind me again why I did this to myself?  I could have taken another boring, lecture/paper writing course that added nothing to my skill set.  Could have wandered through this last semester in a happy haze.  But no.  I had to take the one course that challenges me beyond belief, which sucks up all my study time.  Which I have nightmares about.  Which hogs all the brain cells during the day.  Which causes me to eat everything in the fridge.  This is a good thing, right? Right?

Today has been a day to play.  It’s was the beginning of spring break for me, and I didn’t feel at all guilty at spending it goofing off with Katie.  She didn’t take a nap all day; we played fetch and tickle the tummy and throw Mr. Froggie (seen in the image) all morning and a good part of the afternoon.  I think she’s down for the evening  though, snoozing near me at my desk.  I guess I have no excuse for not getting some schoolwork done now.  I have a very frightening web skills midterm the Wednesday of our first week back, as well as a paper due.  Must get to it.

Has the younger generation (not that I’m necessarily counting myself among the OLDER generation) forgotten how to walk? In the past two days I have noticed way too many kids walking, backpack slung over their shoulder, usually on the phone, dragging their heels so that their feet scuff along the sidewalk making WAY TOO MUCH NOISE! Not only are they wearing the soles of their shoes (or bedroom slippers or boots) away, they are annoying their neighboring walkers, especially me.

In the olden days when I used to run races, 5K’s, 10K’s and the such, I used to speed up or slow down to get away from noisy runners. Those people with heavy feet, shoes slapping the pavement, or bells on their shoestrings or other parts of their person, or people with breathing issues, gasping for air, or spitting regularly. All of those sounds annoyed me and made me more aware of my own problems, pains and weariness. Even Riley, the guy that dribbles three basketballs while he runs, made too much noise and I’d let him pass me. OK. So maybe he passed me because he was faster than me, even while dribbling three basketballs. But still. I was always glad when he was over the next hill ahead and I didn’t have to listen to the incessant slap of the basketballs against the pavement.

So this week, while I was stuck behind twenty-somethings with sagging jeans and sloppy shoes, walking slack-kneed slowly toward their destinations I went into runner mode and sped up to pass them. I felt like their mother as I thought…”pick up your FEET!”

I am the library.

I am neither the walls nor shelves,

Nor even books that stand in rows.

I am the wisdom of the universe,

Captured and arranged for you.

I am an open door.

Anonymous

I attended the memorial service for my friend’s husband last night. I only met him once, when he brought the kids up to Traverse City in support of his wife’s running the Bayshore marathon one spring. She and I ran much of it together, and I think we saw her family three or four times along the route, always shouting and cheering for their mom. I thought it was a wonderful thing for them to do; watching for someone who is running a marathon is not that fun for the spectators. It’s a lot of waiting around for a quick view, then on to a new spot to wait and give a quick yell of support before your runner is off again. It takes a special kind of Dad to spend all day with two little kids waiting for a glimpse of his wife going by. But it means the world to the runner.

Last night I sat with another friend and listened to the stories about this husband, dad, brother, son, grandson, nephew and all around neighborhood friend. I knew him only through his wife. Runners talk about all kinds of stuff while we run together. So though I might not have recognized him if I had seen him on the street without his family, I would have recognized him in spirit from the countless conversations she and I have had as we ran over hills and around lakes, through towns and down bike paths over the years.

It’s very difficult to watch a young family letting go of a husband and dad. It’s difficult to watch a father let go of his son, and brothers letting go of their sibling. There were over a hundred people filling the room, overflowing into the hall. Everyone letting go. Letting go, but keeping him close in their hearts. The pastor was right. Telling his story often and well will help ease the pain. And eventually pieces of the pain will be transferred into warm memories that will bring so much comfort.

This young family has a long hard road ahead of them. But by the looks of the room last night they have a wonderful, large group of supportive people to help them in that journey. Let them all tell his story often and well; that’s the key to surviving events like this.

Godspeed Duane.

When I got home late last night I watched the 11:00 p.m. news.  I was shocked to see the story of another university shooting, this time at Northern Illinois.  I thought back to where I was at 4:00 p.m.; just getting out of a class myself, lingering to talk to the professor, then hurrying away to my job.  During that time five or more people were dying and many others were injured.  All were terrified. 

And though this is all horrific..again…what struck me most last night was the short story at the top of the news, then on to the next story, politics, weather, sports.  I’m torn between feeling outrage that it wasn’t a bigger story, people were dying here, and thoughts that maybe there wasn’t much news yet as only a few hours had passed, to wondering if this was a different news tactic,  maybe correct, not to sensationalize the story or to give the gunman too much press.

But this morning, though I missed the first 30 minutes of the national news shows, I was saddened not to see any more information.  I guess it would have appeared at the top of the show, but still.  I am wondering now if we are so used to seeing violence of this type that it is no longer news worthy?  Is it so common that we can’t let ourselves care anymore?  That we can’t take a minute and listen and feel some empathy?  Are we hardening ourselves against the truth; that it could happen here?  Or anywhere?  Must we protect ourselves this way? 

This morning I take a break from my web assignment and think about those students there.  They say it was a grad student.  Maybe we’ll learn more as the investigation continues.  Maybe we’ll hear information that will make us feel more secure, make us feel it is a problem that could only happen “over there.” 

But I think not.  This is not a problem that will only happen over there.  This is more evidence that every day must be lived by every person as if tomorrow isn’t going to come.  Because maybe it won’t.  One student asked that we all pray for them.  I think we need to pray for all of us.  And be grateful for today.