Change Is Hard

I have bits and pieces of thoughts today.  It hasn’t been a productive study day, though it should have been.  The government research homework is very difficult and after several hours I have successfully answered zero out of 6 questions.

I moved on to do some  research for my archives final paper.  My internet went down halfway through the first potentially good article I found.  I moved on to read a book.  Good ole books, you just can’t beat them for reliability! 

Which brings me to another, only partially related, topic.  Yesterday as I was working at a branch of the library I found myself with time on my hands and I began to straighten shelves.  (Librarians do that sort of thing.)  So as I’m straightening I keep finding books that I think would be fun or nice or interesting to read.   I pull them out and puruse them, only to put them back on the shelf; I have no time to read anything that isn’t a requirement of one of my classes.  I feel sad.  I miss books.

Which leads me, in a round about way, to my third unrelated topic.  As I was driving home from work last night listening to a book on tape (the only way I get to read anything fun!) I noticed my rear view mirror was totally orange, and up in front was a beautiful rainbow.  I pulled into a parking lot to look at the sky without causing a chain reaction wreck.  The sky to the west was solid orange clouds, the sky to the east was grey with a beautiful, full rainbow.  It was amazing.  And then it began to rain, and the orange faded away, as did the rainbow.  But what a gift it was that I got to see it!

Which brings me to my fourth and last unrelated topic.  Today Dad has been in my head off and on.  Sometimes he interferes with my work and I have to stop and gaze outside, straining to  remember little things.  During my computer breakdown earlier today I decided to read the newspaper.  Mitch Albom had an article on the 10th anniversary of his book “Tuesdays with Morrie” in which he said that Morrie taught him that death ended a life but not a relationship, and that as long as he could hear Morrie’s voice in his head he wouldn’t forget him.  Which I guess is what I’d been trying to do all day today.  Remember.  Not let go.  Keep him close.  But Mitch and Morrie both say I shouldn’t be afraid.  The relationship stands, the voice is still in my head.  Dad’s not so far away.

Yesterday I noticed for the first time Ann Arbor city buses labeled as hybrid, with logos plastered on their sides “powered by biodiesel and hybrid technology.”  WOW!  How neat is that? 

There is a red hybrid car parked at the Park and Ride lot each morning when I arrive.  Just think, that driver can use less fossil fuel getting to the lot, then hop on a bus that uses less fossil fuel while getting to work!  To do better than that you’d have to ride your bike.  Or walk. 

I’m staying in Ann Arbor for much of this week.  I’m lucky to have a comfortable guest room and accommodating relatives that allow me to follow my schedule with little thought to interupting theirs.  It’s much easier to eliminate the commute, hours spent behind the wheel are now spent in research or writing or reading or just contemplating.

But I miss my husband.  And my dog.  Really, even the dog.  So tomorrow I will commute again.  Meanwhile I try to use every moment of every day that I’m here to make a dent in the mountain of projects that have accumulated while I wasn’t paying attention.

Midterm anxiety.  So typical.  It will end, regardless of how I spend my days, midterms will end.

Here I sit, on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, in a study carrel on the fourth floor of the graduate library. It has a door and a window, and it’s pretty quiet, except when the guy in the next carrel gets a call or shifts in his chair. But then I’m shifting in my chair as well, so we’re even I’m sure.

There’s no view to speak of, if I had chosen a carrel on the other side I think I would have been looking at pretty trees and S. University. Or maybe not. I don’t have much spatial ability and am pretty turned around.

On my drive to Ann Arbor this morning I reflected that it was a beautiful day for a marathon, sunny blue skies, beautiful trees, cool temperatures. I wished with all my heart that I was there running instead of driving to a study date with a library. Even though I like libraries.

But once here I settled down and got a lot done for my midterm on Friday. Currently I am working on the long final project for my grant writing class. I have to turn in half of it this Thursday. I’m up to page 17 now, and not finished with this first half. My neck aches, hence the break to blog.

In reality I guess this little carrel where I sit and slave over the appropriate words to describe my grant proposal is bigger than many prisoners of war have. Not much cleaner though. And so far no one has stopped by to bring me lunch. But all in all, not a bad place to work.

This afternoon I went down to Detroit to meet some of my friends who are running the Detroit Marathon tomorrow morning. I went to the pasta dinner with them, and listened to the inevitable discussion about how many layers of clothing to wear, how many gel packs to carry, how much food to eat in the morning, and general anxiety about the course, the weather, water v.s. sports drinks, foot ailments, sleep problems and on and on. It was fun! Especially since I’m NOT running the Detroit marathon tomorrow morning.

On the other hand, I wish I was running it. Given I haven’t trained it is out of the question. But what makes it even more out of the question is that I have so much to do for school, this being midterm, that I couldn’t sacrifice a day to running. It was almost too much to spend a few hours with them today!

I did get a bit of time to wander along the new riverfront walkway before dinner; I watched boats in the Detroit River, kids playing in fountains, people riding by on bikes. There were a lot of people out, the sky was blue, the waves on the river frothy with wind, the buildings gleaming. Should have brought my camera, what was I thinking? This is definitely somewhere I will visit again. Maybe next year, on the Saturday before the Detroit Marathon!

Good luck to all the runners and walkers. I hope you all have a perfect race!

Tonight I am working in Youth.  Alone again.  Naturally.  On Tuesday and Thursday of each week a tutoring program works here at the library.  There are many many people, complete families, the library is very full and much nosier than usual.  Especially in Youth were all the young children play while waiting for parents and older siblings to finish with lessons.  It’s an exciting, vibrant time here in the library, but it does make my head hurt.

Yesterday I was in Ann Arbor to attend a staff meeting for work.  Then I spent the rest of the day in the library writing a paper.  Toward the end of the afternoon I wandered down South University in search of food.

I ended up at New York Pizza with a slize of chicken and pesto pizza and a drink.  The TVs were blaring.  On one set was a live feed from the US House, where members of the House were giving one minute speeches.  They were talking to an empty room, the only people present besides the Speaker were the Representatives that wanted to talk.  They spoke  about children’s health insurance, clean water,  the war and more.  Members of the house were zealous about their causes, but the overall feeling was chaotic as each speech was one minute or less and the next one was on a different topic.  With no one listening I wondered what the point was.

Across the room the other TV was blaring at a similar level.  This one had a cartoon on it, with small childish super heros zooming around and saving the world. 

I sat in the middle of the room, half way between the two televisions and wondered which were the real super powers.  Both trying to save the world.  Who would be more effective?

With the threat of frost hanging over me I pick pink tomatos hanging heavy on the vine.  As I move quickly through the dark and rain in my small garden I crush tomato leaves under my feet and brush against the basil gone to seed.  The aroma is faint, delicate, wistful, as if the air is already reminiscing about the summer past. 

I finally finished the paper that has dogged me for a week.  It’s almost midnight, the night before the paper is due.  I haven’t worked on something this late at night and this close to the deadline since my undergrad days (and nights) back in the 70’s.  Back then I couldn’t seem to get my focus until the sun went down the night before some big project was due.  I did my best work in the middle of the last possible night. 

Today, with the paper due tomorrow I still put the majority of it off.  I thought about it a lot, tinkered with a few pages on occassion, but didn’t really sit down to work until after the sun went down.  I wonder if I’m regressing?

I did, however, put together two packages of information to go out to two libraries in answer to potential employment.  That took some time and reminded me how stressful looking for work can be.  Even fun work.

And speaking of work, this weekend I worked till 9 Friday night, for 5 hours on Saturday and 6 hours on Sunday.  That’s a lot of work hours shoved into one weekend.  Makes me realize that I haven’t worked anything like full time in a long time, and I’m enjoying that aspect of school!  I got a bit bent out of shape to have so many hours scheduled together this weekend.  Have to remember that real life is often like that. 

For now I’ll revert back to the protected life of an undergrad.  Late night, deadllines met, no real responsibilities.

I still haven’t worked on that darn paper that is due Tuesday!  Katie is outside in her pen.  I have one more hour before I have to leave for work, and therefore could be working on the paper.  Should be working on the paper.  But instead I have been editing a brochure on grief that will be used by the Truck Safety Coalition to help survivors recognize that whatever they are feeling is normal.

I initially tried to read this brochure and begin the edit while I was at school.  This was an unfortunate thing to do, as I soon found myself surreptitously wiping away tears.  I only got a page into the brochure and realized I would need to do this at home.  Curiously at home, once given over to the task, I seemed perfectly capable of editing with dry eyes. 

So that is done, the results emailed away, the fund raising letter has been reviewed for perhaps the last time.  Now…with 40 minutes left and a shower still to be taken I can start on that paper!