Change Is Hard

Yesterday Katie was a puppy, wearing her cone, the result of being spade last week, if not happily at least enthusiasticaly, and racing around the house.  This morning as she sleeps by my feet I glance down and realize she is the same size as Bonnie, our previous sheltie.  Katie was six months old last Friday.  Does this mean she is all grown up?  How did this happen between yesterday and today?   Should I mourn the puppy stage?  Probably not as she is still chewing and racing around and acting like a crazy dog when she is awake.  Last night I couldn’t contain her energy and finally put her to bed at 9:30 because I was exhausted.  I expect several more days or weeks of similar activity.  That makes me smile amid my tiredness!  

I made it through Father’s Day yesterday without spending too much time dwelling on the fact that my father is no longer here.  I’m pretty sure he knows I thought about him, and I’m pretty sure the rest of “us kids” thought about him too, and that’s good enough.

My aunt (Dad’s sister) and uncle were here for dinner yesterday; that filled my time and kept my mind off  things too painful to dwell on.  There was a moment when we were discussing something about Mom and Dad when she got pensive and distant.  I’m sure she was thinking about him too.  She looked just like him in that moment, and I memorized her face as if I were seeing him again.  Otherwise  there weren’t any sad times.  I realize how lucky I was to have him as a father; I was lucky enough to realize that while he was still living.  Today he is still my Dad.  It’s just that I can’t call him and wish him a happy father’s day.

 To all of you who CAN call your father but didn’t yesterday, for whatever unimportant reason, you can make today father’s day.  Every day can be father’s day if you choose.

It’s been almost two weeks since I last wrote!  People say time moves more quickly as you get older.  People also say time passes more quickly when you’re having fun.  I think I’ll just go with the second idea.

Library work is a blast.  If it weren’t for the commute I’d be having a really good time!  Who knew that working could be fun!  I am sure that when I add in special projects soon to be assigned, and then add full time schoolwork this fall my attitude will falter.  But the neat thing is, I now know that when I complete this last year of school and find work at a public library somewhere I will really enjoy the work.  That’s a wonderful thing.  I wish I had known work could be so fun years ago!

I survived my first shift alone at the reference desk!  And better yet, it was fun!  Granted, it was Friday night and slow.  Not a lot of people with burning reference questions on a Friday evening.  But there were enough interesting topics to keep me busy.  Students with papers to write, older members of the community with bits of trivia to look up.  And the locals using us as directory assistance to avoid paying their phone companies to look up pizza joints and restaurants.  That last bit, looking up the phone number for the pizza joint?  Made me wonder why I need a masters degree…

Regardless I was just sitting here thinking that I would enjoy doing this even if I wasn’t being paid.  Amazing.  I would do this for free.

I’m sitting on the reference desk.  Alone.  I have a four hour shift here.  Alone.  It’s my first experience alone here for any length and it’s a bit daunting.  But I have completed an hour and a half and so far it’s been fine.  I have looked up the function of specific cells in the pancreas and the specific date of death for Harpo Marx.  I have looked for books and found some and not located others.  I have had time to read my own book.

It’s Friday night at the library.  So far peaceful, quiet, sometimes boring, sometimes interesting.  Life should always be this good!

Early this morning I walked with the puppy.  The grass was wet, the air was cool and thick with spring fog.  The sun was barely touching the tips of the trees.  Suddenly I was transported back in time to similar moments when we camped as a young family on this Memorial weekend.  I could smell the wet canvas of our tent, hear the soft murmers of my parents outside, feel the scratchy sand-filled sleeping bags, knew the warmth of being loved and being exactly where I wanted to be.

This afternoon my husband and I will take his elderly aunt out to the cemetery where his parents are buried.  We will put flowers there, lupin and lilac, and the first rose to bloom from his mother’s rose bush that we moved to our yard.  We will remember them.

I don’t have a cemetary plot to remember my parents.  But I have memories as their monuments in my heart.  This morning Mom and Dad were right by my side standing in the damp grass watching the sun rise in the glowing tree tops.

Yesterday I worked all day at one of the branches of the library.  I had a great time learning new things, and helping patrons find the information they needed.  During the afternoon another librarian asked me if I had met a particular patron.   Turns out the “patron” I was introduced to was actually another librarian that worked in the branch; she was on vacation and visiting the library just for fun. 

I commented later to the librarian who had introduced us that it seemed strange to see someone come into their workplace during their vacation, just for fun.  She said she does it all the time, is constantly spending time at the library even when she’s not working.  I mentioned it would be unusual in my previous life for me to want to spend time at work when I was scheduled off.

Ah…an example of the difference between working where you heart is not invested and working in a place that makes your heart sing.

I think I am becoming a bad mother.  No, I don’t have children, but there is that puppy who appears to be an earlier riser .  She is awake and ready to play as soon as the sun comes up.  We go outside when she asks.  But then I really just want to read the paper.  She wants to play.  I’d rather eat my breakfast.  She wants to play.  I have emails to answer.  She wants to..well you get it.

So I have resorted to opening the sliding door in the breakfast room.  She sits on her “princess pillow” and gazes out beyond the screen at the birds on the feeder, the chipmunks scampering in the grass and the squirrels running around in the trees.  She will sit there enthralled for hours.  

Is this similar to planting a child in front of the TV?  Will she be scarred for life? 

Today I was left alone on the reference desk for an entire hour!  And the library did not crumble into dust.  In fact I was able (eventually and with some help from other friendly librarians across the floor) to answer all but one of the questions I received during that hour.  The question I didn’t get to (and which would have taken awhile) I gifted to the next librarian on the reference desk who is very into the history of Ann Arbor anyway.  The question?  Where was the house in Ann Arbor that was on the underground railroad?  The library has a big file of clippings and I found that there would be something there, but I’d have to FIND the clippings and the phone wouldn’t stop ringing.  It also has a local history room and I’m sure there’d be something in there, but again, that was away from the desk and the phone continued to ring constantly today.  So I don’t feel bad turning that one over to a more experienced librarian.  But I am curious about the answer!

I am still very awkward about using their computer system to find things.  Still uncertain about what to keep open, and even how to open it all.  But I’m sure with time that will all come.  I  hope I’m not left alone very often though, it was pretty stressful!  However it was VERY NICE to walk out of the library at 1 and be done for the afternoon!

I work on Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday this week, I’m hoping it gets easier with each shift! 

Today is Saturday.  I’m making a strawberry pie, and while the pie crust is in the oven baking I stop to consider that for me, right now, today is no different than yesterday, which was no different than the day before.  I’m working a part time job, and this week only worked two days, so I have had a very long weekend.  Every day I have to think about what day it is.  No particular schedule.  A little yard work, an appointment here and there, lots of puppy play, naps, books, bird watching.  It’s all good.