I’ve been unemployed since last October. Looking for work is a sobering experience; it starts to play with your mind; makes you wonder about your worth and causes you to rethink decisions made long ago when the world was a different place.
You go to interviews smiling and hopeful, certain that the interviewers can see the value you’d bring to their libraries. Your years of experience. Your motivation and enthusiasm for the work. Your fresh ideas framed in another life, adapted to fit the world of public libraries.
But after months and months of looking and writing and applying and meeting I still have no library work, and that world has become distant and even somewhat foreign to me. Unemployment benefits are ending soon, husband is still adjusting to his forced retirement. Tensions mount.
On a whim I applied for an underwriting job on Monster.com, never thinking that anyone would be interested in me, a person who has been out of the business for over four years. Turns out that though that particular job didn’t work for me it did lead me to call my previous employer who has offered me a full time job and the opportunity to get my head back into the mortgage underwriting world.
It was a difficult decision to give up the dream of working in a place I feel I’m meant to be.
And to give up the freedom these last few months have afforded me. But it’s an opportunity I can’t ignore, so the week after next I’ll be putting on grownup clothes again and heading into work with the other rush hour commuters.
I know I’m lucky. I’ve seen what it’s like out there for the unemployed and it is not pretty. I also know I am lucky that someone is willing to take a chance on me and let me relearn the industry. And I’m grateful for all of that, and will give back to them more than their money’s worth. I always did.
But I’m going to miss the way the light falls on the trees in early afternoon. I’m going to miss long walks with Katie. I’m going to miss staying up late reading all night if I want to. I’m just going to miss the possibilities that hover around each morning when I get up. The possibilities to do anything or nothing at all.
I’m gonna miss this.
Change Is Hard 
September 3, 2010 at 9:13 am
Oh, Dawn… I really would like to give you a great big hug right now. Closing my eyes…imagining…can you feel it? Feeling your sadness at not being able to find that library job, yet your relief that you’ll have a job again. Will you continue to apply for library jobs after you start your job, or not? Blessings to you, dear friend.
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September 3, 2010 at 9:29 am
What a difficult position to be in~grateful, yet disappointed.
I hope you find a sense of fulfillment in your new position. Obviously you were valued at your previous place of employment. That is always a good feeling.
Enjoy your last days of freedom! That’s what I’m trying to do…finishing those last few books on my summer reading list….lazy mornings…deck time….before that alarm clock goes off.
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September 3, 2010 at 10:28 am
WOW, you are a great writer and I sure feel your inner conflict….what a position to be ready to celebrate the new job and opportunities…and yet…it has to be hard to let go for right now of another dream.
PERHAPS with all you have been through and the break underwriting is going to be more satisfying then it ever was before, after all I am sure you are not the same person that you were a few years ago, a lot has gone on, CONGRATS!!!
It must feel really terrific that they must have really valued you where you used to work!
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September 3, 2010 at 4:20 pm
Hi Dawn,
I know what you mean. I returned back to the workforce last November 2009 after being away since May 2008. It’s a humbling experience in these times now and I was grateful that I got the job that I did. It was hard at first as, I, like you enjoyed my days at home. It was appreciating the littlest things which really were the most important things in life. However, I also am glad that I did get the job. I looked at it as a new adventure and I’ve met many interesting people. It has it’s days but I do believe that things really do happen for a reason. Perhaps, your new job will give you some inspiration to write about.
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September 3, 2010 at 4:22 pm
To bad life has to always be so hard. I hope that you wont have to do it forever and will get to do what really love soon. Diana
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September 3, 2010 at 6:09 pm
Don’t give up that dream of working where you feel you’re meant to be. Just put it on hold for a bit. Your chance will come. In the meantime, underwriting can be a challenging job, as you already know. When I first started working in escrow in Southern California we also did the loan packaging for CHFA (California Housing Financial Agency) loans to first-time buyers. I developed a very good relationship with our underwriter, and with her help, knew when I submitted a package that it would fly. Or knew beforehand that there was just no way. I really loved working with the first-time buyers – their enthusiasm was contagious.
Good luck, and I hope you’ll grace us with a post as often as you are able.
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September 3, 2010 at 9:12 pm
Wow, I’m so sorry, Dawn. And yet I’m also really glad that you’ve found something and hope that it makes you happier. Please don’t give up on your dream of being a librarian because I think you’re a fabulous one. Surely, too, you’ll be able to bring your librarian sensibilities to your new job. Every organization needs a librarian, right?
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September 3, 2010 at 9:59 pm
Well, I’m glad you got a job but I am so sorry it’s not as a librarian. Maybe this will be temporary because a library job will come up. And I am also sorry you have to give up so much freedom to take the job. Like Sara said, it’s difficult to have to be grateful and disappointed at the same time.
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September 4, 2010 at 9:09 am
Oh Dawn, I feel like giving you a hug here too! *hugs*
I’m happy that your ex-employer has offered you a job which means you’re important to him but I’m also sad that you didn’t become a librarian which is a dream you’re pursuing for so many years. However, I believe you’ll pull through it and have a wonderful life again. Hopefully, a library job will come to you soon too!
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September 5, 2010 at 5:51 pm
Hugs, Dawn. The appreciation you have for life is a gift you’ve shared with others through your writing and being. That’s not going away. And I believe you will be a librarian. Well, you are, really, just not employed as one.
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September 5, 2010 at 6:31 pm
Thanks everyone. I’ll let you know how it all goes!
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September 6, 2010 at 10:56 am
Oh Dawn, I know that it is hard not to be in the library. Many more people were cut from our system. Meagan finally found a job in the library system in Shiawassee co.
Hours were reduced and I decided it was time to retire. I’m enjoying not going to work everyday but I am very busy in other ways. I wish you good luck in this new job. I’m sure that the library skills will benefit you and the people you serve.
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September 6, 2010 at 1:27 pm
Just another turn on the path. Maybe there’s a good reason your quest has led you back to your prior experience in banking. Don’t give up on your dreams!
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September 8, 2010 at 1:54 am
Well, ditto what everyone else says. It’ll surely be a relief to have the money flowing back in, and it’s got to be great to know that your previous employer values you that much. And you never know where this may lead, or whom you might meet, or what you might encounter as a result of this job that could lead to an even better future.
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September 8, 2010 at 6:32 am
All true everyone. Taking a deep breath, brushing the tiny tear away. Just another adventure. Right?
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September 9, 2010 at 7:20 am
Another adventure is a good way to look at it. I join everyone else in wishing that you are just postponing, and not giving up, your dream of finding a librarian job in the future. I hope the adjustment to a 40-hour week isn’t too rough.
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