Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Do you miss Katie?

Katie 2541 Me too.  I’ve been so busy away, spending most nights at the Aunt’s apartment that in the past week I’ve only slept at home twice, and both times I had somewhere I had to go during that time.

Yesterday was my birthday and the Aunt down in Ann Arbor had weeks ago invited me to see the University of Michigan’s production of the musical “Ragtime” with her.  So after a day filled with a doctor visit that included a long and agonizing walk down halls, discussions about prescriptions, arguments about things not particularly important, frayed nerves and stress, I had the evening free.

Katie was ever so happy to see me when I got home, but I only had time to shower, pet her and leave again.  Her eyes were big pools of liquid sad  when I ran out the door on my way to Ann Arbor.  Half way into the the hour long drive I had to stop and buy some caffeine as I couldn’t keep my eyes open.   Good thing I did, as I wouldn’t have wanted to sleep through the performance!  It was wonderful.

This morning I find myself dawdling over things.  Laundry.  Playing ball with Katie.  Reading blogs.  Mindlessly watching TV.  I know it’s that I don’t want to go back to work over at the apartment.  But I also know my husband is probably going a bit nuts and needs a break after being there since yesterday afternoon.  But still.

Katie 2543 And of course I feel guilty that I don’t want to go back.   I’m not being productive  here either.  Sort of sitting in limbo, watching the time go by; not here, not there.

Katie is barking at me, that sharp little single bark that says she wants something.  But I can’t figure out what.  I’ve tried treats, playing, going outside.  Still as soon as I sit down to read she begins again.  I get up and she prances away, but doesn’t seem to want to go out.  I sit down she barks and stares at me.  I tried putting her outside in her kennel, but she immediately barked to come in.  Finally I just pick her up and hug her, rocking back and forth.  She tucks her head into my shoulder and I begin to cry.

I know baby, I know.

Katie 2545


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A new day

Trees 1536 I’ve been staying with Aunt V these past few days.  She’s not steady enough on her feet to be alone.   But today I had jury duty, and had to be in “business attire” at the court by 8:30 in the morning.  I didn’t think I could get ready at her apartment without disturbing her routine, so my husband stayed with her last night, and I got to hug  Katie at home all night.  I’m not sure Katie really appreciated that, but she will when she’s older!

This morning as Katie and I emerged, trying to get her jobs done before I had to leave the sky was alive with fluffy clouds, the undersides of them gray, the tops tinged with pink as the sun came up.  I was sad that I was going to spend it in a jury room.  But I was also glad for the bit of freedom I had from the overly heated apartment I’ve been cooped up in since Sunday.  It’s funny how a tiny hour of freedom has so much more value when you’ve had none for a few days.

I have to give credit to those of you out there that are care givers full time, and have been for years, or face years of it in the future.  It’s a hard job.  Not to mention terribly boring!  I’m reading a good book, “Seven Types of Ambiguity” by Elliot Perlman,  recommended by another blogger, but it takes some concentration, and  it seems just when I’m getting my head back into the plot the Aunt needs something.  And of course she comes first.

She reminds me that it’s heck getting older.  Years ago when I lived in the Upper Peninsula I sometimes drove down to visit my own grandmother who was in her 90’s.  She’d outlived most of her friends and quite a bit of her family.  The last time I saw her she was walking with a walker and still living in her own home on the family farm.  She told me not to live to be her age and I wondered, in all the wisdom of a 20 something young person, what she was talking about.  Now I see it again with our Aunt.  Though she’s  smart as a tack she too has outlived her friends and much of her family.  Yesterday she started listing people, counting on her fingers over and over again, people she cared about who are gone now.  I had no appropriate response.  And it’s sad to witness.

Today’s jury duty went well.  All the cases before the two judges were settled, so they let us all go!  And today is going to be a beautiful day, high in the 80’s with sunshine.  I think perhaps Katie girl and I will have to go for a walk in the park before I head back over to the apartment to relieve my husband.  We did get some play in already, Katie and I, out in the yard.  She had a wonderful time.  Me too.

Katie 2525

Katie 2530

And on a totally unrelated topic, I found a baby turtle in the driveway just a bit ago and took it over to the edge of the pond.

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He is about the size of a nickle and was warm in my palm as I carried him over to the pond.  I set him on a leaf just at the edge of the water.  I hope he makes it.

Newborn and elderly, all in the same day, with a bit of sunshine thrown in.  It’s a new day

Trees 1537


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Aunt V is out of the hospital!

Quick update.  Aunt V got discharged this evening.  I’m home for a moment to pack a bag, then I’m going to go stay at her place.  Maybe one night.  Maybe more.  We’ll see.  She, of course, insists she doesn’t need any help.  Maybe not, but I need to know she’s able to get around before I’ll be able to leave her alone at her apartment.

Doctors never did figure out what caused the blood pressure to spike above 200.  So the underlying problem is not resolved.

Thanks for all your kind thoughts.

Aunt Vi Uncle Warren 2010 005


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Re-entry is tough

From weeks of relative silence I’ve been bounced back into my real world.    I drove home Tuesday, and Wednesday evening our 94 year old Aunt called because she didn’t feel well…and her blood pressure was sky high.  I told her to get to the hospital, and we’d meet her there.  We’ve been at the hospital ever since.  She has been through many tests but no one can tell us what is going on and why the blood pressure spiked, nor why she remains too dizzy to walk.

Many decisions need to be made, difficult decisions.  Wish us, but mostly her, good luck please.


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Sounds of silence

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It’s time for me to go.  The bedding is in the dryer, the floors are vacuumed.  The cat is sad and so am I.  During my time here the most consistent sounds were the murmur or crash of the lake, and the drumming of the ruff grouse off in the woods.  No traffic, no airplanes, no neighbors, no dog.  I’ve come to enjoy the silence here with that sweet undertone of the lake and the birds.

This morning lying in bed I realized I didn’t hear the grouse, though most mornings his is the first sound I recognize.  And there was no soft rolling of the lake either.  Just silence.  Real silence.  The only sound I heard was  my own heartbeat in my ears.  I got up to check the lake; the rain last night had turned to light fog and the lake was flat, fading off into infinity.

I ran down to the beach to say goodbye and it lisped back a regretful farewell.  Then I climbed the 44 steps for the last time.  And headed for home.

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A few last cool things from up north

Northport March April 2010 1497 Today is my last day here in this tiny piece of northern bliss.  As I was talking to my sister, watching the turquoise and navy lake bounce along in the sunshine the bald eagle made his second appearance of my stay.  He casually sailed south down the beach, out just beyond the ridge.  I got to watch him for a good long moment, so happy to see him once again before I leave.

Later in the morning I saw a huge ore carrier out on the lake.  Red and white, it was sailing closer to me than the ships generally do, so I had a great view of it, though it still was too far away for the camera to capture.  In fact, it’s in the photo above, do you see the small (tiny) white dot on the horizon?   I was watching it using the binoculars and wished you all could see it and the lake the same way when I thought…why not try?

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Pretty cool ey?  Though not as clear as I could see just using the binoculars, putting the camera lens up next to the binocular lens did give me a pretty interesting image.  And now you can see the ship as well!

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I went out this afternoon to take pictures of a few last barns.  Pretty afternoon, but being on the road made me all the more ready to get on the road for real, headed home.  Tomorrow morning I’ll be on my way home to my husband and my Katie-girl.  In many ways I can’t wait.  In other ways I don’t want to leave.  This hasn’t been the most successful retreat.  I didn’t figure out the meaning of my life.  I didn’t write an epic novel.  I didn’t paint that masterpiece.  I didn’t even lose any weight!

But I’m glad I came, and I’ve really thankful to the owner of this piece of heaven for sharing it, and her lovely cat, with me.

Northport March April 2010 1438


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A little bit of everything on a do nothing kind of day

Northport March April 2010 1253 It rained today, the first time in my entire stay, almost three weeks.   It was a nice change, though I haven’t tired of sunshine on water yet.  I spent most of the day baking and reading and studying my still unsuccessful painting.

Later in the afternoon I realized the rain had stopped and glancing outside toward the lake I saw the sun struggle to emerge.

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The sky was so dramatic that I grabbed my camera and ran down the stairs to the beach without a coat.  After all yesterday it had been 81 degrees out.  Once down on the beach with a strong wind blowing the lake into mounds of water I realized it was COLD!  Then I heard someone whoop and saw, down the beach, two people with sails enjoying the wind and waves on their surfboard/ski type thing.  Too cool!  I RAN back up the 45 stairs to get my winter coat, then ran back downstairs to watch them play in the surf.   What fun to watch them fly by!

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Later in the evening I got to watch another beautiful sunset.
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It’s going to be so difficult to leave this place!

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The sap is running

It’s time for maple syrup up here in the north.  The trees were tapped when I got here three weeks ago, but I haven’t made time to share the photos with you.  So since it’s my first rainy day here, and I’m inside baking cookies and reading a really good book, recommended to me by my “host” family, I’ll pause and let you see a couple of them.

The first pictures are from  just up the road, taken when I went for my walk into the quiet woods.

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I loved the way the sun shone through the red buckets.

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And these are from further away.  I noticed them during a drive with my husband and went back with the camera.

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It seemed like there were acres of trees with white buckets.

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I’d like to find someone actually cooking the syrup so I could see how that works.  But so far I haven’t worked up enough courage to ask a stranger if I can watch, and I’ve only seen a couple places where I thought that might be happening.

Bloggers need more courage to investigate interesting places.  Otherwise how can we share it all with you?

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