Change Is Hard

Today I made a triple batch of chocolate chip cookies. Baking isn’t always a good idea when you’re on Weight Watchers, but it’s a tremendous test of will power! I have to say that the chocolate chip cookies and I were pretty evenly matched. I ate less than I wanted to, but more than I should have.

I made them for my husband to take to work, using the big KitchenAid mixer my mother-in-law gave me years ago that sits in a cupboard unused most of the year. I thought I had done a triple batch in this mixer bowl before, but as I was attempting to add the 9 cups of flour to the bowl I realized I probably never did quite 3 times the recipe before. I had flour being flung out of the bowl on all sides, flour in the air, flour all over the counter, in my face, on the floor. As the mixer continued  doing its job, the cookie dough expanded, spilling over the sides of the bowl, like some sort of mutant experiment gone wrong. I burst out laughing.

It was a fun and productive way to spend the day. Results? One totally trashed kitchen and 197 cookies. ..well…minus four. But who’s counting?

Yesterday we went to see “The Color Purple” at the Fox in Detroit. The Fox is a very elaborate theater, all gold and jewel toned walls and columns and ceilings. It absolutely glows. I think it’s strange that it has the most intense security to enter, complete with metal detectors and people searching all women’s purses, but it sells nachos and beer to patrons and allows all of that into the theater like a movie house. Most theaters don’t search purses, but don’t allow food and drink inside the auditorium. It seemed a shame to see crushed nachos, spilled beer and litter between the seats on our way out of this beautiful space after the show. I’d think people could wait three hours before needing a fast food fix, but you never know.

The show was great, which surprised me. It wasn’t on my list of shows I especially wanted to see. It’s the story of a black woman being used by men most of her life and I figured it would be depressing. But it wasn’t, not by a long shot, and in the end, of course, she realizes her worth. It was fun to see her along the way begin to see a different way to respond to men besides the down trodden way she had been raised to respond. Of course all the women in the audience were cheering her on. Quite enthusiastically. At one point she gets discouraged because she’s asked God to help her get out of all sorts of bad situations and she doesn’t think He ever listens to her. Her friend says that though “it does seem He’s taking His time getting around to you,” reminds her that everything around her is proof of God, even the purple flowers along the road.

The voices soared, the story was compelling and sobering and even joyful; I am grateful that I got to see it. If it’s ever in a town near you, it’s worth the price of the ticket!

Meanwhile this week I am supposed to hear about the job I interviewed for last Wednesday. I’ll be disappointed if I don’t receive an offer, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. I know library work is what I need to be doing. I’ll find a place somewhere sometime.

I wish it would rain. For a lot of reasons. First, today I put in my tiny vegetable garden, just three tomato plants and some green beans, peas and chard. Plus I planted a few herbs; rosemary, basil, oregano, parsley and thyme. In case I ever decide to cook you know. Mostly I just like the way they smell. I figure the ground hog will eat the green beans when they sprout, just like last year, and the deer will eat the chard later on. But I can dream! This is the time of year where I imagine all my wonderful gardens weed free, blooming profusely, with healthy vegetables abundant. Each year these dreams convince me of their believability before the reality of a long hot summer complete with my own private set of garden invaders sets in.

The other reason I wish it would rain is to give me a break from the gardens.  I want an excuse to sit inside and read a book. Or fall asleep, which is more likely to happen.  I have weeded for what seems weeks now, and I have more to do. This is the result of letting the gardens manage themselves last year. Never let a garden have its own way! Lesson learned. Husband suggests that I hire someone to weed. I don’t think we can afford anyone to do the work I’m doing. Heck, we probably can’t even afford me!

So….I have hung up my gardening gloves for the day. It’s supposed to rain. It needs to rain. I washed my car yesterday to ensure we get rain today. Here’s hoping that works.

Today I ran around doing fun things.  Along the way I saw lots of things that made me smile.  Here’s the short version:

I was outside working with Katie because we have doggie school tomorrow night.  After a little bit of sitting and staying she got bored and went to sit in the shade.  I sat down with her in the long grass under the tree and we just watched the world go by.  That in itself was nice, but as we sat there a wild turky ( http://www.mbr-pwrc.usgs.gov/Infocenter/i3100id.html ) walked out of the shurbs near the house, strutted across the lawn in front of us and disappeared in the underbrush by the road.  Katie and I were both still as we watched the turkey go by.  Me because I was amazed.  Katie because that was the biggest bird she’s ever seen!

Later in the day I dropped by my library.  In the yard was a kildeer( http://www.kildeer.district96.k12.il.us/kildeerBird/KildeerBird.html ) with three tiny little round baby kildeer birds running all over.  The babies were about the size of a golf ball and just the cutest thing.  Then I drove down to Milford on my way to a mall.  Going through town I noticed the families of Canadian geese   each complete with 3 or 4 yellow dumpling baby geese.  Apparently spring is happening everywhere, whether or not I’m ready for it!

After my quick trip to the mall I stopped at Kensington Metro Park http://www.metroparks.com/parks/pk_kensington.php# to check on the blue herons who are nesting now.  I wanted to see if the young ones had hatched, but I think the adults are still sitting on the eggs.  On the way out of the park I saw a whole mess of swans out on the lake, so I turned down a road to get a closer look.  Pulling into the first picnic parking area I found a pair of sand hill cranes http://www.mbr-pwrc.usgs.gov/Infocenter/i2060id.html    right in front of me!  I sat and watched those from my car for quite awhile.  When they finally wandered off into the woods I began to try to count the swans.  There were over a hundred out in the lake, it was impossible to count them all.  It was pretty spectatular.

When I got home I walked the dog and realized the lupin http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lupin  is beginning to bloom in my yard.  See, not everything that makes me smile is a bird!

Last Friday I saw parts of Oprah.  It was a rerun from the previous summer featuring a family coming home from a wedding in a limo which was struck head-on by a drunk driver.  Their little 7 year old daughter was killed.  The theme, of course, was not to drink even one drink and drive.  I was struck by something the parents and grandparents said during the show which was taped two years after the crash.  They said they avoided holidays or other previously fun family times because they couldn’t enjoy them without Kate.  That there was no joy in their lives now, though they had two surviving children.

I wanted to take that family in my arms and comfort them.  And though I can’t imagine losing a child, and know that it is oh so much more heartbreaking than our loss of a parent, I wanted to hug them all and tell them that yes, this is how you feel at two years, and it might still be how you feel at three years, or four.  But sooner or later you’re going to surprise yourself by suddenly realizing that something made you laugh and it was OK to do that.  Or something made you think of Kate and feel warm, and that was OK too.  That you don’t have to go on forever in the dark place.  Sometime, sooner or later, you will let the light shine back in. 

Someday you will figure out that being happy isn’t disrespectful to the one you loved.  Smiling at a pretty day or laughing at a joke doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten.  You’ll never forget.  The pain is always there, but it will be just a bit softened.  Someday you will let a tiny bit of happiness creep back into your life.  And that is the day that your recovery begins.   Recovery doesn’t lessen the worth of your family member, recovery adds value to your life, and to the memories you have.

Someday you will let yourself be happy.  And that’s OK.   

Today I moved 5 yards of mulch.

Which took most of the day. 

The good news is that it’s now all on the gardens.  The bad news is it only covered about 1/4 of what I need to do.  So if I am brave (and not too stiff and sore to drive) Tuesday I will go and order five more yards.  Why just 5 yards you ask?  Because if I ordered 10 or 15 yards I’d die of exhaustion just looking at it.  5 yards seems more manageable in some weird way.

So…Katie and I finished up the job late this afternoon.  And now we deserve a nap!

Today I transplanted a bunch of plants in preparation for spreading more mulch.  I put this off all day yesterday and most of today.  It’s just not fun digging up stuff and moving it somewhere else.  I’m beginning to understand that the yard we have is much too big for one person alone to manage.  There is just so much to do, and with husband working 12 hours, 7 days a week it’s all resting on me.  I do some of it each day, but I feel like the people that paint the Mackinaw Bridge.  By the time you get from one end to the other it’s time to start at the beginning again.  When I’m mowing I feel like I should be weeding, and when I’m weeding, the grass is growing.  I haven’t even started the on the main flower garden yet, and it’s getting in worse and worse shape as I ignore it. So I hope to make more progress over the weekend while the weather is a bit warmer and a bit less windy and rainy.

I did take a break today to go to a dog agility trial.  It was held inside a sports dome, with several arenas set up for different sized dogs to run over assorted equipment, jumps, ramps, weave poles, tunnels and chutes.  It was fun to watch.  There were a ton of shelties there, all different sizes and colors, mostly all barking! Lots of other types of dogs as well.   I’m interested in this “sport” because I think Katie would love it, and it might expend some of her energy.   So I spent a couple of hours wandering among the competitors and watching different sized dogs run different agility courses.   Katie has to pass a basic obedience class before we can begin agility.  One of her instructors asked me last week if I had considered agility for her to help her build confidence.  Their goal is to make her less afraid  My goal is to get her to sleep more!

My doggie school homework this week is to take her to two new places.  She’s afraid of riding in the car.  Tonight as I sat reading in the living room, I looked up and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride and she slunk off into the bedroom to hide in her crate.  Geeze, I didn’t even know she knew the word “ride!”  And since she was in her safe place I didn’t think I should drag her out of there and make her go with me, so I went to the grocery store by myself instead.  Tomorrow I’m going to just pick her up and put her in the car without asking her if she wants to go.  Dog psychology.

Katie the dog and I are just back from doggie school.  Another evening of sitting too long and working on stuff too little.  I hope the class gets better.  Soon.  Katie likes it because the instructor advocates training using treats, and she gets a LOT of treats in class.  So much that I didn’t even feed her dinner before we left.  I figure she gets more at school than she would have in her dinner dish at home.  She figured out there was a road trip in store for her about an hour before we had to leave, and disappeared down the hall and into her crate in a bid to stay home and send me to doggie school by myself.  Silly dog.  Once there she did really well when we traded dogs in order to get them used to being with other people.  Each of us was supposed to take our neighbor’s dog, get them to sit and then give them a treat.  We worked our way around the circle like that until our own dog was returned to us.  Katie turned down turkie hot dogs, deli meat and cooked chicken from assorted pet owners.  She accepted the pieces of carrot or dog food presented to her.  Really silly dog.

As for me, I hadn’t eaten before we left either, and I was starving by the time we got out of class.  People didn’t get any treats, even if we did sit.  To compound matters, I signed up for Weight Watchers online last Thursday and have been really good so far in my first week of eating within my points allotment.  So I couldn’t just stop anywhere to get something to eat.  And to make matters even worse, the doggie school is located in a spot that requires me to drive by Cooks Dairy Farm where they make and sell the most wonderful homemade ice cream.  It was hard, but I managed not to stop at Cooks, and came home and made myself a bunch of vegetables.  Which were pretty good, but not as good as ice cream.

Next week I have a job interview with a public library within 30 miles of me!  It’s a library I’d love to work for, so wish me luck!   

Last night I dreamed I was back in school.  It was a long detailed dream, with me attending some sort of engineering lecture where I was sitting in the very back of a large auditorium next to another SI (School of Information) student.  We were discussing why we had registered for this class, it was so far outside of our degree requirements.  Yet we were not contemplating dropping it.  I thought it was sort of interesting, though I had concerns about understanding enough to pass it.  Then the dream shifted and I was in a very long dorm room, on the top bunk.  Also in the dorm room were two friends from SI, S the fiddler, and Sh the librarian who now works in Atlanta.  Sort of reminded me of our internship week in NYC.  But besides the three of us there were 12 other females in assorted bunk beds down the long room.  And only one bathroom!  It was quite noisy, most of the other women were undergraduates, and I felt really old.  I wondered how we’d all get into the bathroom in the morning.  I was discussing with S the fiddler that it might be better to rent a studio apartment with a couple of twin beds than to stay in this dorm room for two semesters.   I didn’t know how I was going to get any work done living with 14 other people in one room.

I woke when Katie the dog walked across my legs and then settled herself on my chest to affirm it was morning.  What a relief!  I have to say that I was much more unsure of why I was in school in my dream than I was while I was actually in school.  It all seemed loud and confusing and unsettling in the dream, while in actuality it was interesting and illuminating and exciting in real life.  I think that I’m dreaming about still being in school because I am meeting a school friend, C, tonight for dinner and to say goodbye as she is moving to Seattle for a new job, and I have plans to meet another school friend, B, soon for lunch in Ann Arbor, and I’m wondering how Sh’s new job in Atlanta is going, and whether E has found work in Boston yet, and I’ve just been chatting online with J as she reigns in a couple of job offers from California.  Such a group we were, now being flung to all corners of the country.  Seems pretty neat.  I think we’ll all remain friends even though we are spread from coast to coast.  You see the best and worst in people when you’re working together in the intensity of grad school.  These people are pretty much the best, and the institutions and corporations that add them into their employee pool are very wise.

Today I planted in a small garden flanking the driveway out by the road. I was replacing plants that hadn’t survived the winter, hoping I’d get it done before the predicted rain began.  I was contemplating how much I was enjoying an unending period of time off from work.  I pushed back the thoughts that I should more actively look for work; the nagging thought that if I wanted to just quit work I could have done that without spending so much money on another degree kept popping into my head. The garden under my hands began to fill  in.

But I loved being in school. I don’t consider it a waste of money even if I never work. As illogical as that sounds. It was a mind-stretching, sometimes mind-boggling experience, stressful and wonderful and crazy and obvious all at once. And I also loved working in a library. So it makes sense that I’d love to work in a library again. If that works out. I began to weed another area of the yard.

Unaware of the clouds gathering overhead I continued to muse. And weed.

I’m reading a new book, What now? by Ann Patchett, based on a commencement speech she made, about the choices people make when they are at a crossroad in their lives. She ends the essay like this: “If you’re trying to find out what’s coming next, turn off everything you own that has an OFF switch and listen. Make some plans and change them. Identify your heart’s truest desire and don’t change that for anything. Be proud of yourself for the work you’ve done. Be grateful to all the people who helped you do it. Write to them and let them know how you are. You are, every one of you, someone’s favorite unfolding story. We will all be anxious to see what happens next.” As I was agreeing that she had it exactly right, the clouds opened up and it began to hail.

I ran for the house, where Katie the dog waited for me, and for whatever is to come next.

And to each of you out there that supported me during my adventure…thanks. I’ll let you know how the story unfolds.