Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: change


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Waiting for spring

Weather people say it will reach 50 (10 C) today.  So what if it might rain a little too…we’re still excited.

It’s been a long winter and I am not alone in waiting impatiently for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Lately it seems even inanimate objects are waiting….waiting…

Lonely slide

Lonely slide

…waiting for the first soft spring breeze tinged with warmth.

But there is hope.  Yesterday on the way to doggie school I spotted a red winged blackbird preening in the top of a tree.  I haven’t heard them yet but I am sure I will today when Katie and I go to the park to play.

Missing the children

Missing the children

In fact last weekend while Katie and I were scuttling around avoiding the bitter wind I’m almost sure I heard a sandhill crane’s cry.  And earlier in the week I’m almost positive I saw two of them standing on the ice in a marshy area as I was driving to work.  I just caught them out of the corner of my eye but I’m sure those were cranes and not geese.   Almost sure.

Right now our morning backyard still has snow. (Click on photo to ‘see the light.’)

Morning sheds light on hope

Morning sheds light on hope

But we’re betting on the weather guy that this afternoon will be amazing. And we listen to Mr. Cardinal as he sings with joy.

Ode to joy

Ode to joy


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Can you buy a new brain at Costco?

I’m having the weirdest day.  Is ‘weirdest’ a word?  Hmmm…looks sort of, well, weird.  Anyway.

This morning as I was leaving for work I wanted to change the car radio from f.m. to a.m. so that I could listen to the traffic report but I couldn’t remember how.  I pushed the wrong button several times, confused.  Darn small buttons anyway.

When I got to work I asked one of my employees to work on a problem file and she told me she would not.  I did not react well to being told no.  I felt this red hot rage rush up my body from the soles of my feet through the top of my head until it consumed me.  I hung up on her and then took a walk to calm down.  My reaction was totally out of proportion to the infraction and  my boss had to talk me down.  Darn employees anyway.

After work my husband met me for dinner before we went to the hospital to visit Aunt V.  Some little girl in the next booth was laughing a lot and loud and I wanted to crawl over the seat and strangle her.  Totally ruined the dinner.  Darn little kids anyway.

By the time we got to the hospital I could hardly wait to get away again, as if I could not stay in my own skin.  Darn noisy, smelly hospitals anyway.

I’ve been nominated to serve on an advisory committee to monitor some truck stuff and I need to send in my resume and a couple of other documents.  I needed to get that together tonight and I couldn’t find my resume on my laptop.  Eventually we found it on the desktop computer, and husband emailed it to me.  Then I couldn’t figure out how to get it to a place I could edit it.  Then I did get it edited but couldn’t figure out how to save it.  Eventually I just sent it the way it was.  Close enough.  Darn technology anyway.

While I was looking for my resume, searching through documents stored on my laptop, I came across the rough draft of a (very) short story.  I have no recollection of writing it.  It’s pretty good.  It might have been a dream I had.  Or not.  Maybe I didn’t write it.  But how else would it be there.  It’s not like me to copy something into a document.  And there are parts of it that seem like something I might write.  But I don’t remember this story at all.  Darn memory anyway.

One of my college roommates emailed me earlier today looking for the email of another college roommate.  An hour ago I sent her  the information, cc’ing the roommate she was looking for.  I thought.  But just as I hit send I realized that the cc was actually for one of our community band librarians…whose name is not remotely similar to my college roommate.  So then I had to email her and tell her to ignore the totally confusing and irrelevant email and resend the original email to the appropriate party.  Darn it all anyway.

My brain seems to belong to someone else.  A much older and extraordinarily confused someone else.   I’d like to exchange it please for the one that really belongs to me.  Or at least for a newer model.  This one seems to be wearing out.

I’m going to bed.  I hope tomorrow makes more sense.

I have my doubts.


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The press conference

I caught a little bit of the Sandy Hook parents’ press conference today, a month after the horrific deaths of their children.  I was walking through the living room when I saw them on the television, one of them speaking, the spouse holding the picture, the rest of them sitting behind, holding their own child’s photo.  It stopped me cold.  They are us.

I’ve stood right where they are, speaking into the cameras.  I’ve sat behind the podium holding Dad’s photo.  I’ve tried to make America see how important my private pain was, how relevant it was to everyone else.  I know their pain and I know the strength they get from that pain.  I know that every single parent there wants something, no, demands something good to come from that pain.

Their fight is so similar to ours…they are fighting big money of the NRA while we fight the big money of the ATA.  They are individual families just like us, riding the grief roller coaster and fighting a fight so large it seems impossible.  But all they are asking is for dialog.  They recognize that all guns can’t go away just like we realize that all semi trucks won’t and shouldn’t disappear.

All they want is honest dialog from both sides of the discussion.  Honest, nondefensive dialog and some compromise for the good of everyone.  That shouldn’t be such a difficult thing to do.  For the kids.  So that the loss of the kids and their wonderful teachers wasn’t just a waste of humanity.  A little honest dialog.  It’s not too much to ask.

David Wheeler, whose son Ben was murdered said “What I have recently come to realize is that I am not done being the best parent I can be for Ben.”  Exactly Mr. Wheeler.  You will always be Ben’s Dad.  Always.

And I am not done being the best daughter I can be for my Dad.  My siblings and I will never be done being Dad and Mom’s kids.  We know we’ve made a difference.  That means a lot to me.

I hope and pray that the Sandy Hook parents find that bit of peace too.  We can give them that if we pressure our legislature to sit down and talk.  Honestly.  Open to change.  Willing to give a little.  And if we can join the dialog too.  Let’s listen to the other side.  Let’s consider each others beliefs.  And lets come to a middle ground for the good of all of us.

And to honor those 26 lives and all the lives lost before.  Let’s honor them all.  We can do this.  We have to do this.

Change is hard.


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Happy New Year!

I just don’t feel any affinity for 2013.  The number itself seems awkward, unwieldy, just a bit off.  Where 2012 appeared to be a good, strong, well rounded and full number right from the start, 2013 seems rather empty and irregular.  Maybe the problem stems from the odd number itself or maybe I’m superstitious about the whole 13th of it all.  I don’t know.

I was unable to stay up to see 2012 out last night.  Part of that was my uncomfortable feeling about 2013 and part of it was that I was exhausted from crazy work.  Mostly I just wasn’t ready to let 2012 go.  I know there are many people – thousands of people – that are more than ready to move on.  People who survived Sandy, people who lost family members in any number of tragedies, people who are going to graduate in 2013, get married in 2013, have a child in 2013.  But me?  I don’t have a specific event planed for this new year; to me it appears as a long long beige tunnel the curves away into the future.  There’s no telling what’s out there waiting and it’s a bit unnerving.  It feels more comfortable to cling to the known, no matter how horrific some of it was, then move on into the beige.

I know, I know.  I’m responsible for colorizing my own beige world and 2013 will likely contain amazing and as yet unknown events.   And I also know that as I move into the year my feelings will settle down, my camera will be busy, my dog will sill make me laugh, work will be work, and my family will love me.

I was sound asleep when 2013 arrived, Katie and I snoring away when stupid neighbors began yelling and shooting off fireworks.  Katie barked and made all the crazy noise go away and we settled back to sleep.  I felt detached from the excitement, ambivalent about time marching on without me.  Mostly I felt annoyed.  But I’ll get over it.

I wish all of you a very very happy and healthy New Year.  Time to join all the thousands who are out walking and jogging and eating right because this is January 1.  I’ll go for a walk, track my points today.  Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow is January 2 and all bets are off.

Happy New Year to all of you!

Imported Photos 01164


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Embracing fall

It was hard to let August go, to feel it slip away.  I tried to make it stay longer but it was like hugging jello.  The more I held on the faster it slid away from me.  It seems August fled from most of us; everywhere I hear people exclaiming how quickly the first days of September have arrived.

I don’t know why I struggled so much with the loss of summer this year.  It’s not as though I have children heading to school so I can’t say that I’m pensive about them growing up.  And I’m not a school employee heading back either.  My work at the bank is the same regardless of the month at the top of the wall calendar.

It’s not that I truly love hot weather, or pulling weeds, or watering, or watching trees we planted two years ago struggle.  My garden produced a handful of green beans and two or three tomatoes.  That’s it.  We bought most of our produce from the farmers’ market.  Our grass was brown for weeks on end and so prickly that even the dog didn’t want to walk on it.

Maybe it’s just that I love the long days and the evenings spent on the deck reading or watching the birds.  But I can still do that for awhile as we head into autumn.  Maybe it’s just the dread of the dark mornings heading to work followed by the dark commute home.  Maybe it’s just the thought of slippery roads, downed power lines, or quick trips out with the dog that require layers of clothes and big boots to be dragged from the closet and worn so that she can prance through the snow to find a perfect spot.

Regardless of why it was so hard for me to let August go this year today I decided to embrace the fall.  I went for my lunch walk through the neighborhood and saw maple leaves turning red and yellow and orange.  Not all over mind you, just here and there.  Hickory nuts had fallen to the sidewalk and asters were in bloom.  People with gardens more successful than mine had ripe tomatoes waiting to be picked, and miles and miles of vine covering zucchinis as big as footballs.  Children were out on the playground, swinging high or chasing a big rubber ball.  The sun shone down and warmed us all.

I admit I was sad to see August go but September has been beautiful so far.  I think I’m looking forward to the change.

Change doesn’t always have to be hard.


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Change is hard but…

Image

Change is hard.  Especially if you’re of a certain age.  If you remember changing television channels by getting up and turning the knob – and even then there were only 3 stations to choose from.  If you remember when television stopped broadcasting after the late shows, and families ate dinner together without the TV on at all.

This week the server that supported my blog crashed.  We don’t know if it can be fixed.  I’m probably not even explaining this correctly; those that know me know that technical things…especially computer technical things…are not my strength.  So this whole create a new blog thing is pretty intimidating.

Regardless, I’m starting on it.  I think it’s pretty boring right now, but I’ll figure it out.  My biggest concern is finding all of you again.  So if you have contact with other people that you know used to check in on me, let them now I moved.  And I’ll try to figure out how to put a blogroll on this, and work on finding all of your blogs as well.

Change is hard.  But one thing we can all count on is change.  Over the years I’ve tried to figure out what my blog was about. It started out being about a woman who quit her job and went back to school at 50, then about her new career.  But after the new career was knocked off track when the economy tanked and I ended up unemployed it morphed into a dog blog with a side order of other stuff.  Then the other stuff took over.  I guess the most you can say about it was that it changed.

And so this blog is born of change.  I expect more of it in my life.  Change is hard for me.  But just think, without change I never would have heard of blogging, would never have met all of you.  So I’ll work at living with change as long as you’re all along for the ride.

Couldn’t do it without you.