Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: sad


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A heavy morning

I haven’t been watching the news. I had a busy week and weekend, including our community band holiday concert just yesterday afternoon. So last night when my husband told me about Brown University’s mass shooting and then we began hearing about the Australian mass shooting I was horrified. And when I turned on the news this morning in order to learn more about those events I was even more sad to see the story about Rob Reiner and his wife Michele.

It’s a lot, isn’t it, so much horrific news in just a few days. It’s hard to pile the sadness of each news story on top of the sadness already carried about the news story before. It seems there is so little good news anymore. Though I know that’s not true.

I remember being a student at the University of Michigan when the Virginia Tech mass shooting happened. And how, ever after that (and I should have felt this way before, after all Virginia Tech was not the first) I would plan where I’d go if a shooter entered a classroom I was in.

Today I listened to a Brown University graduate student describe seeing the gunman enter the lecture hall in which he was studying. How he texted his love to his family, how he held the hand of another student who had been shot. My eyes filmed over with tears. Two students dead, nine injured.

Today I watched the footage of hundreds of people fleeing a beach in Australia, people who had been there celebrating the first day of Hanukkha. The Jewish menorah represents light and hope but it’s hard to process that in a world full of hate. At least fifteen people dead and dozens injured.

Today I heard the news about Rob Reiner and his wife Michele, found stabbed to death in their California home yesterday afternoon. I sort of met them in St. Mark’s Square in Venice back in 2006 when Mrs. Reiner asked me to take a family picture of the four of them. I didn’t know who they were until after when my husband told me. But that’s another story. So many classic lines from movies he directed that we use regularly. “I’ll have what she’s having.” “You can’t handle the truth.” “Have fun storming the castle.” (A favorite of my family.) Such a loss.

Today I learned of the three US service members killed in Syria. I know there are people being killed all over the world. Gaza. Ukraine. Haiti. Somalia. And more, so many more. Still, US service members killed by terrorists leaves a special and deep hurt on our hearts.

It’s hard not to feel such a hopeless, heavy sadness in the midst of so much hate. Maybe it’s always been this way. I suppose it has. But for years now we’ve been seeing it in high definition color and it takes a toll. And not watching the news only means that when you do turn it on you’re overwhelmed by it all.

But also this morning, on the news, I heard a part of the 2025 Heisman Trophy winner, Indiana’s quarterback Fernando Mendoza’s, speach. He addressed his mother, remembering her lessons as he was growing up. ““You taught me that toughness doesn’t need to be loud, it can be quiet and strong.” And that, right there, gave me hope and a smile.

I’m turning the TV off now, on that smile. If you’re feeling heavy, too, I send you a virtual hug. A real one if you’re close by. Let’s process the bad news, and look for the good. It’s the only way to get through these days.


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Giving Tuesday is coming to a blogger near you.

Giving Tuesday, an annual event that started on Facebook (I think) and has since morphed into all sorts of activities, is coming up. Always the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, this year it will be December 2.

My dad as a young man.

For the past several years I’ve used the date to raise funds for the Truck Safety Coalition, and I will this year too. I like to give you all a heads up before so that you can do your research and think about where you’d like to donate your hard earned money.

As always I remind everyone that large truck crashes aren’t partisan. The semi that slams into the back of your car doesn’t care whether you’re Republican or Democrat. It doesn’t care what race or gender or religion you are. It’s irrelevant whether you have family waiting for you at home or only your pet dog.

Still way before me.

Dad lived alone back in 2004 when he put his suitcase in the trunk of his car and headed for the Atlanta airport in the predawn hours of December 23rd. He didn’t know he’d never make it to the airport. I picture him pulling up the driveway for that last time, blissfully unaware of what waited for him.

More than 5,000 people die in crashes involving large trucks every year. More than 100,000 are injured. It’s not all the trucking industry’s fault, some of it is caused by those of us in cars doing stupid things. Both sides of that issue warrent additional vigilance on the road.

For the record, dad was slowed in traffic that was being guided around a previous wreck when he was hit from behind by a semi driven by a sleepy driver who didn’t see all the traffic stopped ahead of him.

The Truck Safety Coalition was there for my family 20 years ago and it’s still there for families that have been turned upside down by a crash. TSC provides support and advice and the opportunity to use their grief to make change for the better.

The obligitory church photo.

So I’m asking you to consider donating to the Truck Safety Coalition for Giving Tuesday this year. I’ll post again with a link soon. You don’t have to wait until December 5th to donate, but you can if you want to.

I’ll be sure to remind you.

Dad, ever on my mind and especially as we approach his crash anniversary, tells me to tell you thanks for the years of support you’ve given me and my family. And thanks for considering making a donation this year too.

It helps us to realize we are not alone.


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Honoring Cee Neuner

Today would have been Cee’s 64th birthday. She left us last March, but so many of us in the blogging world remember her fondly along with the photography challenges she used to host. Now other bloggers have continued her challenges and have asked us to honor Cee on her birthday.

From the Flower a Day to the Black and White Challenge many of us participated. For years I enjoyed going out weekly in search of something to meet one of Cee’s challenges. The chance to find something new to shoot was so much fun. And I was always flattered when she chose one of my photographs as a winner of that week’s challenge.

In reality we were all winners in Cee’s eyes. She supported us with enthusiasm and kind words, often sharing our work with her readers. It felt like an honor just to be noticed by Cee.

So, today, in honor of Cee’s birthday I’ve posted a black and white image. She and I shared the love of old barns, and I think they are the perfect images to process in black and white. This one is up in Northern Michigan, and one I probably used in one of her black and white challenges.

Happy Birthday, Cee. I, along with a whole lot of other people, miss you. I bet you’re out with your camera right now, finding extraordinary things to shoot. I hope while you’re busy doing that you also see all the birthday wishes and hugs floating up to you.

In fact I imagine you’re surrounded with them. What a great image that would be.


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What can we do?

I try very hard to not get political here or on any social media. But these last couple of weeks have been overwhelming and I’ve been feeling sad and hopeless. Perhaps you’ve been feeling that way too. Or, perhaps you’re feeling that things are finally moving in the right direction.

Either way, as long as we’re respectful, we have the right to express our feelings.

Me? I’m thoroughly against 99% of what the 47th President is doing. And at this moment I can’t even think of the 1% I might find acceptable. But that’s not the reason for this post.

The reason I’m writing now is not to beat a drum for one side or the other, but to ask you to think about what you can do to help us all keep moving forward. As programs that were designed to catch people falling through the cracks to help meet their food and housing and educational needs are cut off, what can we do, as individuals, to help?

Here’s a link to a news story I saw last night that gave me hope and a bit of inspiration. I thought as I watched her talk about her front yard food pantry….well…I can do that. Maybe you will find her inspirational too.

Nikki Lee isn’t a wealthy woman donating millions of dollars to her favorite cause. She’s simply a good person feeding people the best she can. Maybe some of those people are taking advantage of her generosity, but I bet most of them are just grateful for a bit of help.

It seems to me that if we all contribute to programs already in our communities, or if we start one up that isn’t there yet, we can help each other do more than get through the rough times, we can help each other grow.

My library has a food pantry. I’ll be going to the grocery store today, and while I’m there I’ll be picking up some extra stuff to fill the baskets over there. It’s a start.

I challenge you to look around your community and find the gaps that are growing wider by the day. See what you can do to start building bridges.

And, while you’re doing that, it wouldn’t hurt for you to voice your opinion with your Senators and Congressperson.

Looking out over a changed landscape.

Photos are from Friday afternoon’s snow, taken from various dirty windows with my phone. Unedited, raw, the way life seems to be these days.


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Saying goodbye to Payton

Angel Katie here.

You know I keep track of my mama and daddy even though I’m across the bridge, right? So I know when they’re upset. Thursday night I noticed mama had wet eyes so I paid extra special attention and wasn’t surprised when she started talking to me.

Don’t we look alike? That’s Payton on the right.

I’m a very good listener.

She said that Payton, my half sister, was going to be crossing the Rainbow Bridge on Friday, the very next day, and she wanted to make sure I’d be waiting for her so that Payton would have someone there right away to show her around.

She didn’t want Payton to be alone as she arrived.

We are both very happy girls.

Well of course I told mama not to worry, I’d be right there, first in line to greet her as soon as she arrived, cause after all, she’s my little sister!

Payton and I met a couple years ago when our moms got us together to go for a walk, way back in July of 2021. It was pretty warm and we were both mature so there wasn’t a lot of playing between us. But we did sniff hello and go on a congenial walk around Payton’s large estate.

She enjoyed sharing her home with me. She lived in a beautiful place.

Most of the time while the folks were sitting around talking we were hanging around snoozing.

A nap on the deck is always a good thing.

Or sneaking treats from the other’s mom or dad. Sometimes mama said she couldn’t tell us apart, especially from the back.

We knew how to work it, that’s for sure!

We were good about taking turns getting treats.

Then in May of 2022 Payton and her folks came over to my house and I showed her and her sister Tally around my park.

The two of us and our dads. We were already discussing how to thwart the moms taking pictures.

We had so much fun together, we even conspired to give the moms a hard time getting pictures of us, just for fun. But you know how moms are, they’re pretty stubborn, and they got a few good images of us.

She looked so beautiful in the afternoon sun.

Secretly I’m glad they did. Now that we’re both gone I think the pictures will give our parents some comfort, you know?

We were giggling because the moms couldn’t get us to sit together for a picture!

Payton was a very smart little girl, she even earned her UDX title in Obedience and she did rally and agility too!

Payton and I were not impressed with mom wanting a yellow flower shot.

Payton loved her mom and her dad very much, but she was definitely a daddy’s girl, helping him do the yardwork and enjoying a daily golf cart ride with him to inspect her estate.

She loved her folks so much.

She lived to be 15 years old, just like me, and just like me she was tired at the end, but she had a very wonderful life, and she lived every minute of it to the fullest.

Payton had the best smile.

She was a feisty little girl that managed her household and she will be missed so much by her family and friends.

But don’t worry everybody, we’re together now and healthy and happy. There’s so much to do here, so many things to sniff, and we have so many friends with us, why there’s always a game of ball to play, and walks to take and soft beds to nap on.

“Come on Katie, let’s mess with the moms again!”

And don’t get us started about the treats! My oh my, there’s any flavor we might want, and we can have as many as we want! It’s crazy!

Anyway, I know those of you that knew Payton will miss her terribly, but I wanted to reassure you that she’s just fine and when it’s time we’ll both be right here, along with all your doggie friends and fur babies, waiting to show you around.

“We’ll wait for you guys to get here!”

Well, Payton and I have a nice walk scheduled next, we’re going to explore that meadow of wildflowers over there, so we have to go for now. But we’ll be watching you, and if you get sad again know that we’ll be right there.

Promise.

Payton. Never forgotten, loved forever.

Shelties are always loyal and we love you all very much.

Talk later,

Your Sheltie girls, Payton and Katie


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Reposting an important discussion about domestic abuse

Nonsmoking Ladybug shared today some scary memories of her own childhood that flashed back into her memory while she watched this powerful dance number which aired on America’s Got Talent.

Take a moment and go over there and watch, though be warned it may be a trigger.

https://nonsmokingladybug.wordpress.com/2024/04/20/something-so-beautiful-and-so-powerful

While I don’t have personal memories like this, I know people, all women, who do. Some are still experiencing these events today.

A dance like this will spark conversations. Hard, outraged, sad conversations. It’s likely any one conversation will cover all these emotions and more.

But beyond discussing, what can we do?

I don’t have any experience in what to do. But I’ve been reading Kim Sisto Robinsin at My Inner Chick on Facebook for years. Kim’s brother-in-law murdered her sister Kay after years of abuse as Kay was attempting to leave him.

Now it’s Kim’s mission to spread the word that help is available.

I know, from reading, that it’s not as simple as just leaving. You need a plan and a support system. And it’s very scary. But the first step might just be talking to someone.

Here is one place to start: National Hotline for Domestic Abuse: 1 800 799 7233

Now, go watch that dance again and try not to cry. I had my support dog, Penny, with me. She pushed her nose right under my arm and pressed her body next to my hip as I sniffled.

May you all have a Penny in your life. And may you all be safe in your worlds tonight.


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Penny knows

It was sunny and cool on Wednesday, the perfect day for a sheltie-girl. Penny and I were walking through the back yard, she focused on her beloved birds flitting among the feeders near the house, me remembering, as I often do when I’m in the back yard, Katie’s last moments there. 

I remembered walking with Katie into the house when the vet arrived. I never thought, in the moment, that she and I would never walk into the house together again. I remember walking with her, the vet and my husband, through the backyard to a pretty place under the birch trees, the sky blue like it was yesterday. I never thought, in the moment, that she wouldn’t be there to enjoy her yard ever again.

But now, often when I’m out there, I think about those moments and the bigger picture and I miss her so much.

You OK, mom?

Meanwhile Penny was laying at my feet, intently watching the feeders, when she heard me sniffling and looked over her shoulder at me, concern in her eyes. Then she popped up and put her front feet on my hips, head tilted inquisitively. I reached down and lifted her into my arms for a hug.

My sensitive girl knew. 

Then I put her back down and we both ran joyfully back to the house, her attacking my ankles, me laughing. And somewhere over the rainbow bridge Katie smiled.

I’m sure of it.

Painting done by Bree Hayhoe.


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Progress

Today is Giving Tuesday. Go to Facebook and donate to your favorite charity.

Trust me, the staff and volunteers will appreciate it! Every dollar counts!

In my own fundraising campaign we’re making progress. I’m over $800 of my $1500 goal. I’m so thankful for every dollar and every person who donates. I’m also appreciative of every one of you that sends me virtual (and real) hugs and warm thoughts and comforting messages.

Never think you don’t make a difference. You all do.


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Burning the oatmeal

I burned my morning oatmeal the other day, the first time I’ve ever done that. I had it bubbling away in a pot on the stovetop when I remembered I needed to find a photo for someone, and since the laptop was right there on the counter I figured I’d look the image up while I was thinking about it.

These days my memory leaves something to be desired.

But as I looked for a specific picture of my Aunt I got sucked into the file filed with images of her. She left us last October, already five months now.

I had pictures of her from many of my visits with her during that last year together, and some from before we knew cancer was growing inside her, when we took our last trip down to Alabama together.

I did a lot of fun stuff with my Aunt Becky, she was always on the go and lots of times she brought me along with her. I want to be like her when I grow up. But I hope I get to live beyond her young 87.

I miss her a lot, but sometimes it’s hard to remember she’s not here. It’s like I have to relearn the sad reality over and over. I suppose that’s normal.

But darn, I didn’t realize I’d burn my oatmeal while remembering the good times.


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Musical memories

My husband and I heard the Ann Arbor Symphony Saturday night at the Michigan Theater. We’ve been going to the symphony for years with my Aunt who lived in Ann Arbor. She attended and supported all sorts of musical venues both professional and at the University of Michigan. We was lucky to be invited to many of them.

This season I bought the tickets, instead of her, two of them, intending that she and I would enjoy the music together until she couldn’t any more, and then my husband would fill in. As most of you know she enjoyed the September concert, but then things took the turn we all knew was coming and she died in October.

Sitting in the audience on Saturday night listening to Mozart I imagined that the woman next to me was my Aunt.

It almost worked. If I squinted and looked up at the ceiling I could, out of the corner of my eye, still see my Aunt’s face turned up to the stage, enraptured by the music, totally immersed.

I tried to feel that way too.

But it wasn’t the same, and at the end of the concert I felt sad. I still feel sad tonight.

I know I should be happy and grateful for all the wonderful memories I have of concerts and musicals and theater we shared together. All the meals and laughs and conversations…but tonight I just feel sad.

And that’s OK. There’s plenty of time to smile about the fun things we did together, and I will someday soon. These early days in the grief process I’m just going to go with the feelings that present themselves. Sad, happy, a little of both, it’s all good.

I had her in my life for 66 years. It’s going to take some time to adjust to having her around in a different sort of way.