Katie | Change Is Hard

February 15, 2024
by dawnkinster 13 Comments

Penny knows

It was sunny and cool on Wednesday, the perfect day for a sheltie-girl. Penny and I were walking through the back yard, she focused on her beloved birds flitting among the feeders near the house, me remembering, as I often do when I’m in the back yard, Katie’s last moments there.

I remembered walking with Katie into the house when the vet arrived. I never thought, in the moment, that she and I would never walk into the house together again. I remember walking with her, the vet and my husband, through the backyard to a pretty place under the birch trees, the sky blue like it was yesterday. I never thought, in the moment, that she wouldn’t be there to enjoy her yard ever again.

But now, often when I’m out there, I think about those moments and the bigger picture and I miss her so much.

Meanwhile Penny was laying at my feet, intently watching the feeders, when she heard me sniffling and looked over her shoulder at me, concern in her eyes. Then she popped up and put her front feet on my hips, head tilted inquisitively. I reached down and lifted her into my arms for a hug.

My sensitive girl knew.

Then I put her back down and we both ran joyfully back to the house, her attacking my ankles, me laughing. And somewhere over the rainbow bridge Katie smiled.

I’m sure of it.

July 30, 2023
by dawnkinster 36 Comments

Better

Company is coming and I’m trying to do the last minute dusting and picking up and organizing food and checking the bathrooms and Penny is weaving between my feet, grabbing at the dust cloth, barking hysterically at the plastic wrap drawer.

Everything is harder with her.

I am frustrated and decided to take her out for a walk, maybe she needs to go to the bathroom, and she’s jumping and playing with sticks and tugging on her leash and nipping at my feet. She doesn’t go to the bathroom.

Everything is harder with her.

Walking back into the house I am hit out of the blue with the memory of the last time I walked Katie back into the house.

I begin to cry.

Penny stops tugging on her leash and stands on her hind legs, front paws on my waist and cocks her head. I pick her up and she licks the tears from my face then snuggles in for a hug.

Everything is better with her.

June 30, 2023
by dawnkinster 29 Comments

The difference

I search for her outline through the foggy glass during this morning’s shower. She’s a youngster still, and she could be doing anything, most likely chewing on something. I remember how Katie used to sleep against the far wall every morning for years as I got ready for work. Penny doesn’t sleep while I shower. She investigates.

But this morning she is lying on the rug, her shape and size familiar yet different. At 7 months she’s about the same size as Katie was as an adult but Penny has a few more months of growing to go.

As I step out of the shower she licks the water from my ankles. I close my eyes and remember the delicate butterfly wing kisses Katie used to give while doing the same thing. Penny is not nearly so delicate but tickles my feet in her own unique way. I smile, in rememberance of what was before and in appreciation of what is now.

Later in the morning Penny comes to find me in the office and pokes me in the hip. She wants attention. Or a treat. I remember Katie doing the same thing when she felt ignored. I smile and take Penny outside, though clearly what she really wants to do is play.

So we come back inside and I sit on her big pillow in the middle of the living room and reach for her brush. She lays down beside me and lets me manipulate her into position for brushing. And when her tummy is done she stretches deeply and curls up against my legs, letting me brush her ears and then her long sable back, over and over, as I remember how Katie hated being brushed, how it was a chore that we both avoided.

I smile down at this little/big dog who is loving the long smooth strokes down her back, neither of us in any hurry to move. She props her nose up on the pillow, glances sideways at me and closes her eyes in happiness. I kiss her nose and silently thank her for beginning to heal my broken heart.

And then a squirrel leaps onto the deck with a thud and Penny is instantly on alert and streaks off to inspect the perimeter of her home.

Katie’s shift has ended, and Penny is more than ready to assume the responsibilities. Different girls, different silhouettes, different personalities, but the same love.

June 17, 2023
by dawnkinster 33 Comments

Baby’s first walk all the way around Katie’s park

Hey there, it’s me your Adventure-Girl Penny!

*So this is the pond Katie always got her picture in front of.*

I bet you’ve been wondering what I’ve been up to, and since mom is off doing dishes or laundry or some other boring thing I thought I’d tell you about last weekend when I got to visit my sister Katie’s park and I walked all the way around it for the very first time!

I’ve been telling Mom I was a big girl and I could walk around that park, but for some reason she’s never taken me. I think she just wasn’t emotionally ready to handle it, you know?

I know this is Katie’s park and it’s not like I’m asking her to rename it or anything. But sometimes mom is a little slow to move forward. So I waited patiently (I’m really good at patient) for her to be ready to share the park with me, her new little girl.

*We stopped at the memory tree. Mom didn’t have to explain it to me. I understood.*

Well. Let me tell you it was worth the wait! Though I am not thrilled about sitting on some rock in the parking lot. Apparently Katie would pose for her there. I don’t see what the point is, so I declined to pose.

*Tell me again why you want me up here, mom?*

I am my own girl. Mom said that was OK, I’m allowed to be me, and she loves me just the quirky little girl way I am.

*Mom says she always takes at least one artsy-fartsy image. I guess this is it.*

Anyway…mom put a long line on me so I could wander further away from her. But she kept calling me when I wasn’t paying attention.

I’d turn right around and run back to find out what she needed. And to get a snack.

Mom says I’m very good at something called distracted recall. She says that’s a very very important skill to have. Whatever mom, if you bring the snacks I will do recall all day.

*Are you coming, mom? Katie says you lag a lot on walks.*

The park was pretty the day we visited, and mom promises to take me back again real soon. I can’t wait. I liked this park a lot because we weren’t in the deep woods and I could see the sky.

Mom is figuring out I like to be in open places the better to make sure there aren’t any monsters around.

*Sometimes mom focused on stuff that wasn’t me! Incredible. Katie told me to get used to it.*

It’s possible to be an Adventure-Girl and also a little nervous all at the same time. Mom says that’s OK too.

I think I’ll get braver and braver the more adventures we go on. Mom’s going to put up another tent in our back yard after it stops raining. She says it has a little window down near the floor and maybe I’ll like it better. I don’t know, mom. Right now I’m thinking daddy has the right idea about camping.

*Mom got a lot of pictures like this too. Tee hee.*

I guess I’ll have to trust you, mom, and check out the new tent when you put it up. Maybe I’ll turn into a camping dog eventually. Dad reminds mom that I’m still just a baby.

*I took a nap when we got home. Mom woke me up when she took this picture. I was not amused.*

Mom says she can be patient too.

May 21, 2023
by dawnkinster 27 Comments

A guided walk

Saturday morning I walked in one of Katie’s parks along with 10 other people and an expert guide, to see the wildflowers blooming and tour some of the projects the township is working on to make more of the area open to the public.

*One of several steep hills we climbed.*

It was two plus miles of hills and wetlands, lots of little things blooming, and a cold, sunny day. I was very glad I’d worn waterproof shoes, and three layers of shirts!

*Our guide told us what this was, but I can’t remember the name of it now.*

I had just driven back home Friday afternoon, after five days of camping near the Sleeping Bear Dunes in cold, sometimes rainy, weather. I was kind of tired and thought about skipping this guided walk. It would be so easy to sleep in.

*Tiny little white lady’s slippers just beginning to bloom.*

But we were going to explore parts of the park I’ve never been to and I didn’t want to miss that, so I went. And I’m glad I did.

There will soon be so much more of the park available to explore, and I think it will be nice to have areas of the park that are new, without memories of Katie, that can be Penny’s alone.

I can’t wait to show it all to her. They say the bridge from the parking lot to the new sections should be ready this fall. I don’t know, it seems like there is still a lot of work to do. But our guide, who is in charge of all the township parklands, says he’s confident they’ll get it all done.

Meanwhile I’ll probably take Penny over to walk the trails Katie and I used to wander. The last time Katie and I were there she had a really good walk. Where before she had often refused to walk down the big hills, on this last walk, in the fall of 2021, she was eager to go.

*I don’t know what this is, but it was pretty!*

She walked much further than I expected her to, and even jumped over a tree branch that had fallen over the trail.

*How fun! We got to go down trails that were normally off limits!*

So I have those good memories to ease me into sharing her park with her new little sister, Penny.

The guided walk helped me, too, to see the park without Katie, but to realize she’ll always be there with me, just like she is in so many places.

And that’s good.

May 5, 2023
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

A dreamy conversation

Katie visited me in my dreams last night. I can’t remember the entire conversation, but I remember some, and the comfort her visit provided:

“Hey mama, I love you.”

“I know you do, baby-girl.”

Yea, but it seemed like maybe you needed to hear it.”

“Yes, I’ve been missing you something terrible.”

“I’ve noticed, mama. You’ve got to stop thinking about the day I crossed the bridge.”

“I know. But everywhere I look I remember you.”

“I’d think you’d be too busy with the new kid to spend much time missing me.”

“You’d think, right?”

“She seems like an OK kid, mama, but you can’t let her break all the rules, you know?”

“Like I did with you, huh?”

“Well, yea. Like you did with me. You’ve noticed she’s really smart, right?”

“Oh yes, we’ve noticed.”

“Well, she’s going to want to do lots of stuff, and some of it will be stuff you did with me and you can’t be crying all the time, OK? It’s not fair to the kid.”

“You’re right. I can’t be doing that. She deserves more from her mom.”

“She doesn’t call you mama?”

Nope, you’re the only one that calls me that. She calls me mom. But I’ll always be your mama.”

“I know mama. Always.”

“Always and forever, baby girl.”

“OK mama, now get going on the training…I watched that yellow flower photo shoot and frankly she’s got a lot to learn.”

“Awww give her a break, sweetie. She’s only 5 months old. She’ll figure it out once she stops putting everything into her mouth..”

“I know, mama. Well, I just wanted to stop by and tell you I love you. And to remind you to do right by the kid. I’m watching.”

Thanks, Katie-girl, it sure was nice of you to stop by.”

“Oh, I’m always here, mama. Always.”

“I know baby-girl. I know.”

April 23, 2023
by dawnkinster 24 Comments

Tunnel time

Katie here. Yes, I’m still around, someone’s got to supervise the little one, and who better than me, right? After all, I had a ~~hand~~ paw in finding her for mama and daddy, so I keep tabs on her just to make sure she’s following the rules I set up for the household more than fifteen years ago.

But I can see that I might have to remind some of you that there is nothing new on earth. All the games that little Miss Penny has ‘invented’ I thought of first.

Yep. I heard mama tell the little one that I was the beautiful one, but she’s the smart one. Well. Let me remind you all that I outsmarted mama lots of times. And I have the stories to prove it.

*I was also much more patient with mama and the camera than little Penny is.*

But today let me share with you that mama kind of teared up the first time she tossed a toy in the tunnel and smartie-pants ran through the tunnel and brought it back.

Because, you see, that was one of my all time favorite games. And Penny plays it just like I did, even though mama and daddy didn’t teach her.

Well of course they didn’t. I have a direct line to Penny’s little brain and I’m always guiding her. So the next time you all think she’s so smart just remember where she gets it from. Yep, I’m never far away.

And please note that I posed on that spiral in the park first. Just saying.

Now go get mama a tissue, her eyes are leaking all over again.

Wordless Wednesday

April 12, 2023 by dawnkinster 11 Comments

April 10, 2023
by dawnkinster 38 Comments

Let the adventures begin!

Penny, our 4 month old sheltie, has been fully vaccinated for a couple weeks now, so it’s safe to take her beyond our neighborhood. The little girl has no idea how big the world is, but we introduced her to a tiny part of it last weekend.

*Where are we, dad? Is this another vet?*

On Friday evening my husband and I took her to Katie’s park. She wasn’t sure about the whole adventure thing when she emerged from the car.

But by the time we got to the pond she was having a good old time. There were so many things to sniff!

*This is kinda fun, you guys, being out here in the evening!*

We just wandered around the pond, we didn’t do the whole trail. After all, she’s just a little girl, and there will be plenty of time to explore the whole park in the future. This visit was just an introduction.

Of course I talked to Katie quite a bit as I took pictures of Penny and her dad. Katie says she is fine sharing her park, especially with her little sister. Of course I wish she could have been there to introduce the park to Penny herself, but I like to think there was a bit of Katie there, showing us all around.

Then on Sunday I met a friend and her five month old cocker spaniel named Whisky for a longer walk at a park Katie had only visited once.

*Ok Whisky, I’ll let you give kisses to my mom. This time.* (Picture by Whisky’s mom, Karen)

We walked on a combination of cement paths, wooden boardwalks and dirt paths along a fast moving river.

Personally I liked the woods the best, and once Penny got over the abundance of leaves on the ground, and realized she couldn’t eat them all, she settled right in trotting along the path.

She also got to see lots of other people and dogs enjoying the park. She was interested in all of them. When she sees something new she sits, very alert, and considers what it might mean. She’s a thinker, this one.

I think she had a wonderful time. It was her longest walk, and in a new environment, and she was a trooper.

*This was the very first log I’ve ever jumped over!*

She fell asleep in her crate on the drive home and pretty much napped the evening away. But the next day she was bored at home, now that she knows there are more exciting alternatives out there.

*Hey mom! Did you know I can do zoomies in the WOODS?!!*

I might have created a monster.

*Yep, I got a little muddy. It was amazing!*

March 1, 2023
by dawnkinster 39 Comments

A glimmer of possibility

Wednesday afternoon the sun came out and temperatures rose into the 50s F (10s C). The snow began to melt, birds were singing, and spring felt within reach.

Little Penny, experiencing her first spring day, was ecstatic. And, because she wanted to be outside exploring her yard, she began to ask to go outside.

And just like that a corner has been rounded in our potty training effort.

Wednesday afternoon she began going to the back door and whining softly. Once, when I didn’t move fast enough to suit her, she pawed at the door.

*Trying to engage the puppy in the reflection.*

I’m pretty ecstatic too.

We’ve gone a whole day without a potty accident in the house. She’s napping at the moment, exhausted by all the tours of the yard, the grasses pulled, the gardens explored.

I’m grinning as I type, because I can tell she’s going to be an awesome dog.

Oh, I still miss my Katie-girl. I will always miss her, and Bonnie before her, and Daisy before Bonnie. As I walk around the yard, little Penny dancing on the end of her leash I talk to Katie.

*She sits when she’s interested in something. We didn’t train her to do this. I spent years trying to get Katie to sit when a car drove by.*

“See your little sister, baby-girl? See how she’s running and grinning and having the best time in your yard? Isn’t she cute? She’s got so many adventures in front of her, doesn’t she, sweetie. You keep watch over us, Katie-girl, and thanks for guiding us to this little one. She’s going to be special, just like you.”

“*I think this piece of grass needs to be pulled up, mom. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.*“

Yep, this one’s a fire cracker, all bundled up energy, bursting into zoomies at the slightest instigation, never complaining, always happy, and definitely smart.

There’s going to be some stories to tell, no doubt about it. I can’t wait to get started. I think she’s pretty amped up too.

Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: Katie