Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Another six done

I never got around to blogging about last Sunday’s six mile run/walk.  It was a long story and I shared it with my online running group so I guess it’s validated that way.  I got in a couple more 3 milers after work this week.  I’m still having trouble with my feet; the arches ache so much when I begin and it’s not till mile 2 is done that I get much relief so it’s a challenge to make myself keep trying.  But I have a goal.  I’d really like to do the 10 mile Crim race at the end of August.  Yes.  This August.  I used to run it every year and I haven’t been able to in the past three years or so.  So I keep getting out there.  Keep hoping.

Do you want to hear about my six miler this morning?  I went a route I haven’t been for a couple of years.  Figured it would be fun to see what had changed.  In the end though I wasn’t really paying attention to the views, it was more about listening to my body, figuring out what hurts and what doesn’t and  why.

The best, perhaps biggest news?  My feet didn’t start out hurting!  Maybe I’m over the hump with that.  Instead of aching arches during my first mile I had the normal twinges; ankles, shins, knee.  I felt like a runner!  In fact I ran a whole 1/2 mile without stopping, I was so happy about the way my feet felt.  I think that’s the longest I’ve run in 4 years.  Yes when I stopped running and began a walk break I could still feel those pesky arches, but it was more a general fatigue, not a dibilitating ache.  So I’m very very pleased.

Once I settled into the run I enjoyed the fact it was darn cold out.  It’s in the 50’s here, which is perfect for running.  Plus there was a lovely little breeze.  We’ve had lots of rain so my dirt road was soft and there was virtually no traffic.  Perfect.  I had lots of time to think.

I thought about my parents a lot. Not the overwhelming grief of years past, just noticing a little flower Mom would have liked, or the new construction house that would have interested Dad.  It’s been nine years now and I’ve mostly moved out of that dark place.  For example I ran into an acquaintance couple this week.  They told me it had been a rough year for them; his father became ill and died, her mother died too.   I listened to their story and offered my comfort and condolences without diluting their pain with my own story.   They’ve never heard mine, and likely never will.  I’ve learned over the years the benefit of sharing a painful story, how the telling eases the pain.  And I can listen now and offer support without having to share my own.  It’s a good place to be.

In between thinking about my folks I convinced my self to run to the next sign, the next mailbox, the next corner.  I made a rule to always run to the next red thing.  Thank goodness there weren’t many red things on my route,  just two mailboxes and a porta-potty in front of the new build.  So that was six mandatory runs on my out and back 3 miles.  Plus lots and lots more.

At one point I thought I’d run to the street sign.  But as I got closer to it something in my mind suggested to go past it to that mailbox up there.  “But that’s a long way!  And it’s uphill!”  “Yes, yes it it.”  “Well OK then.”   Once my mind got away with pushing me like that it tried to do it on every bit of every run segment.  “How about to that mailbox?”  “How about to the one AFTER that mailbox?”  “Now STOP that!”  “Only after you get past that street sign.”  “Well OK then.”

I turned west at the end of mile 5, coming out of the dark wet green of the woods into the open next to a golf course.  I saw dark black clouds and heard distant thunder.  I still had a mile to go.  Well OK then.  Starting up the last mile, the last long hill I could see rain beginning near the top.  The breeze picked up.  I picked up my speed too.  At the top of the hill I turned into my subdivision, back onto paved roads.  I slowed and watched the way the misty raindrops made yesterday’s puddles dance.  Pretty.  Maybe this was just God’s way of providing a giant mister, like they do at the end of a long race, to cool me down.  Well OK then.

I lifted my sweaty face into the mist and smiled.  Another six done.  I beat my time from last Sunday’s hilly six.   And though I didn’t feel like I wanted to do any more miles right at the moment, I also didn’t feel like I couldn’t.   My feet didn’t hurt as much as they have on previous runs.  My legs are just typically fatigued.  The 10 mile Crim race just might be doable.

Well OK then.

Dawn 123


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Why does this happen?

Coming home from work last night I knew there was something wrong when the normal weather and traffic was interrupted for a CBS Special Report.  Who, I wondered, had died?  Turns out many people, children included.  Turns out for an Oklahoma community the world turned upside down in an instant.  Literally.

The pictures, the video, the grand scope of the devastation is overwhelming and painful to watch.  It must be even beyond that to actually experience.  I watched a mother being interviewed as first responders scrambled through the leveled elementary school behind her.  “Why does this happen?” she asked.  She couldn’t find her sister or her niece.   At that point in the evening six people were confirmed dead, two of them children.

Why does this happen?  Who can understand when terrible things happen to people?  How can we move forward when such terrible things happen so randomly.  How can we ever feel safe?  And what can we do to help those families in the throes of grief right now?

I went to bed feeling sad.  I woke with a sense of dark, heavy dread.  I knew by now the death toll would be more than six.  This morning it is twenty-four, nine of them children.  The heaviness settles deeper into my heart.

We’re expecting storms here this morning.  Very soon.  They sky is dark and heavy, reflecting the way I feel.  I ask Katie to hurry outside so that we can beat the rain.  The air is thick, the trees still.  Waiting.  Waiting.  I keep an eye on the sky, Katie keeps her nose in the air.  Things happen randomly.  You never know.  Bad things happen everywhere.

As I watch the sky two dark shapes swoop low.  I am startled and then mesmerized.   A pair of sand hill cranes flies overhead.  Very very low,  very slow, almost silent.  Instead of their usual noisy screeching they are cooing gently to each other.   I hold my breath and watch them.  They disappear behind a line of trees across the street.  Stunning.

You see?  Amidst the fear and sadness and confusion there is beauty.  And we rarely ask why.  Why did these two magnificent birds choose to fly right over my head so early on such a sad morning?  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t have to know why these thing happen.  Maybe I just have to move ahead and live.

And send some money to the Red Cross… for Oklahoma.


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Snowing. Again.

It snowed today.  Again.  Snow doesn’t seem to mind that it’s the end of April or that we’re all beyond tired of the cold wet stuff.  That we don’t think it’s pretty anymore and no one is excited when they notice snow flakes from our office windows.

Pretty - right?!

Pretty – right?!

No this wasn’t today.  This was April 6, 2009.  Just to put today into perspective.

Still, wouldn’t it be fun to wear flip flops and walk in sunshine?

Maybe sometime soon.

Memories...

Memories…


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It’s raining here

Three killdeer

Three killdeer

I feel like I’ve moved to the Pacific Northwest.  It’s raining here.  Every day we wake up to 35 degrees (1.6 C) and mist.  Or 35 degrees and rain.   It rains off and on all day and all night.  We haven’t seen the sun in so long I’ve forgotten what it looks like.  I have faint memories of walks in the park under a warm sun, but my most recent memories of the park are walking through slush in my winter coat, wearing gloves and telling Katie to hurry up!

Today it’s overcast and 35 degrees.  The week long forecast holds a little hope of warmer temperatures but looks like rain every day.  I guess we can dream.  I have an adventure brewing that would be nicer if the temperatures were above freezing.   And if it doesn’t rain on me that would be extra special.  On the other hand all this rain could be snow, like my friends up north are experiencing. And Duluth Minnesota just got 7 inches of snow with more coming tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll just sit down and be quiet.


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I heard the red-winged sing

Daffy Daffodils

Daffy Daffodils

The weather guy forecasts more cold days, maybe even some snow for the coming week.  But I’m not discouraged.  We were momentarily in the 50’sF (10 C) on Friday and again today.  We saw a tiny bit of sun.  And repeatedly I’ve heard and seen the sand hill crane screeching across the sky.

But today I heard the red-winged blackbird sing which is proof positive that it is spring regardless of the weather guy’s prediction.  On a quick tour of the yard Katie and I found even more evidence; little bits of green poking their heads cautiously out of the mulch.

Sedum hides beneath the fall leaves.

Sedum hides beneath the fall leaves.

Brave little souls aren’t they.

Poppies poke nervously toward summer.

Poppies poke nervously toward summer.

Katie and I went looking for the snowdrops we know come up behind the house, and there they were!  Fewer this year but still blooming their little hearts out for us.

It's springtime in their hearts.

It’s springtime in their hearts.

And the clincher that it must be spring?

Almost got him!

Almost got him!

Katie chased her season’s first chipmunk up the drainpipe.

Yep, we’ll probably be roasting hotdogs on the grill any day now.

Geranium greets spring.

Geranium greets spring.


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Restless barn addition

I was restless today.  I needed to be out there doing something.  Alone.  Do you ever long for an adventure just for yourself?  The sky was blue but it was cold as mid March is want to be in Michigan.   I took the camera and left with no destination in mind.

I ended up, as I usually do, in farm country.  I didn’t find a lot that inspired me enough to want to get out of the warm car.  But I found two barns for my collection.

It's huge.

It’s huge.

These are not my family’s barns.  I really do need to do that…photograph the house and barns where my mom grew up.  But these two caught my eye among the many barns I saw today.

It's bright.

It’s bright.

My adventure was not so exciting.  But it was mine.

And that’s what counts.

Old

Old


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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe weather people remind us that last year on March 17 we had 75 degrees (23.8 C).  This morning when I took Katie-girl out for her morning jaunt it was 22 degrees (-5.55 C).  What a difference a year makes.

The heat wave we experienced last March, no matter how much we enjoyed it, was a very bad thing.  Many of our farmers had no crop last summer, most of us lost trees and shrubs. Though I long for spring I will wait, albeit impatiently, until the appropriate time for warm breezes and flowers. Meanwhile — Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of you!  Enjoy some Irish Soda Bread and some forced forsythia that Katie and I cut from a bush in the yard last Sunday.

It’s blooming in the house today.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA


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Waiting for spring

Weather people say it will reach 50 (10 C) today.  So what if it might rain a little too…we’re still excited.

It’s been a long winter and I am not alone in waiting impatiently for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Lately it seems even inanimate objects are waiting….waiting…

Lonely slide

Lonely slide

…waiting for the first soft spring breeze tinged with warmth.

But there is hope.  Yesterday on the way to doggie school I spotted a red winged blackbird preening in the top of a tree.  I haven’t heard them yet but I am sure I will today when Katie and I go to the park to play.

Missing the children

Missing the children

In fact last weekend while Katie and I were scuttling around avoiding the bitter wind I’m almost sure I heard a sandhill crane’s cry.  And earlier in the week I’m almost positive I saw two of them standing on the ice in a marshy area as I was driving to work.  I just caught them out of the corner of my eye but I’m sure those were cranes and not geese.   Almost sure.

Right now our morning backyard still has snow. (Click on photo to ‘see the light.’)

Morning sheds light on hope

Morning sheds light on hope

But we’re betting on the weather guy that this afternoon will be amazing. And we listen to Mr. Cardinal as he sings with joy.

Ode to joy

Ode to joy


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Unwinding rant

The latest ‘late winter storm’ is beginning today.  Sleet stung the windows of my office this afternoon and then it turned to snow right at 5 p.m.  Apparently everyone (including me) stood up and left our office and all the surrounding offices at the same time.  It took me over 10 minutes to leave the parking lot, and another 15 to make it the two blocks to the freeway.

Once there it wasn’t much better.  We cruised along at 15 mph – when we were moving.  But I’m OK with that; as long as everyone is moving at the same slow speed we’re all relatively safe.  So now I’m home and I’m going to unwind by talking to you.

Long commute

Long commute

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about.  It seems like many people at work are no longer focused on work.  When I was a kid and had appendicitis (though to be fair they didn’t know it was that) in junior high they wouldn’t call my dad at work after my mom didn’t answer the home phone, because I guess, it would not have occurred to us to bother someone at work.  Especially the dad. But these days I hear phone conversations all around me, people controlling from work every tiny aspect of their family’s lives.  From the grandmother that gets calls from her grown daughters every single morning and often later in the day to discuss the grandchildren’s activities, health, tempers and homework, to the woman on the other side of the wall who has just moved and apparently needs to instruct her husband (I assume a grown man) how to order cable and change the utility bills into their name,who provides detailed instructions to call the paint contractors, the carpet cleaners, the dumpster guy.

Roads get worse

Roads get worse

Is it just the age of cell phones that causes this?  Or is my generation full of helicopter parents who have turned into helicopter grandparents and helicopter spouses?  Is being in constant contact with everyone a good thing?  Or would we live just as productive and fulfilled lives if everyone didn’t feel it imperative to update us all on every single thing that occurs during an entire workday?  Would grown children grow up if they had to make a decision or two on their own?  Would their children be better off if they observed their parents making decisions without going to Grandma?   Or is it a good thing the parents have support at all times of the day and, I assume, the night?  And what about that spouse who apparently can’t do anything without specific instructions from his wife?  Did he manage to become an adult without making those kinds of decisions?  Would he really be unable to get cable connected without the wife giving him the phone number and the speech he should recite?

Almost home

Almost home

Come on people!  How about we focus on our jobs when we’re at work?  How about we let our families handle whatever is going on in their lives and learn their own lessons?  How about we let the person on the other side of the cubicle wall do her job in relative peace without informing her (ok, probably not deliberately) of all details of your totally not interesting life.

Ok.  I’m done now.  Thanks for listening.

Home again

Home again