A week ago today you left me, baby-girl. I know it wasn’t entirely your idea, at least not the particular day and time, but you’d been telling me, subtlety, for weeks that you weren’t feeling well. So I made the decision to set you free.
Still…I wonder if I was too early, if you wanted to stick around for a little more time. You were mostly happy on Monday and Tuesday. I almost changed my mind.
Just before the vet arrived.
Still…you weren’t eating. Every day you ate less. On Sunday you ate hardly anything at all and buried your face in the cool grass when we went outside. We didn’t want you to starve. Food was always your favorite thing.
Still…I miss you so much. I don’t know how to be without you. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I know I should write a tribute to you but I can’t. Not just yet. As long as I don’t write that piece I can fool myself into thinking you’re just in the other room, or at camp.
Always waiting on her mama, she’ll wait for me across the bridge now.
I thought I’d jump on my mama’s blog real quick while she’s not paying attention and bring you up to speed on the most important Princess in your her life – me!
Mama says I shouldn’t cry wolf all the time cause people aren’t gonna believe me later on, but seriously, this past week has been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and stomach aches for all of us here.
Me taking mama for a walk this week.
The stomach aches were mostly mine, but luckily I have meds for that!
You all know I have kidney disease, and I’m stage 4. That’s bad enough, but in the past couple weeks I’ve decided I’m not going to eat my Royal Canin food, the stuff I’ve been eating happily for months. Mama and daddy had a routine down and we all knew exactly what I was going to eat and which pills I was getting at any particular time.
We were a well oiled machine, I tell you.
One of my happy walks.
And then one morning I turned my nose up at the food in my bowl and walked away. Mama was perplexed. And it got worse. Every day I randomly decided what I would eat. And what I would not. In the beginning they coaxed me into continuing to eat my prescription food, but now days even the smell of it makes me feel nauseous.
I’ve had lots of good days.
So mom is cooking for me again. Daddy took me to the vet on Wednesday and she said I could eat whatever I wanted! I thought it was the best day in my life! Chicken! Green beans! Boiled carrots! Brown rice! Pasta! Whatever I wanted mama prepared for me!
Wednesday night it was like she was my personal chef!
I’d like to order a filet with some peanut butter on the side please.
But now I’m turning my nose up at chicken, though I still like the ground turkey. Mama made pasta for me last night and I thought that was pretty good, though she only gave me one macaroni noodle. She said she was testing to see if I’d eat it before she made a whole bunch. You see I had loved the brown rice when she first cooked it on Thursday but now I think it’s disgusting.
I’m kinda fickle.
Another walk yesterday, I was starting to feel not so good.
Yesterday morning while mama was making her oatmeal (she gets to cook for herself too!) I was looking at her intently. I wanted my piece of apple, like I get whenever she makes oatmeal. Just a tiny bit of apple, no skin. It’s my morning treat, and I’m all about routines, so I was waiting expectedly for it. She casually handed it to me, figuring I’d snap it out of her fingers like normal but I just sniffed it, then took it from her and spit it out on the floor and walked away.
Mama knew right then that something more than usual was not right.
By late afternoon I was restless and just wanted to be outside in my cool grass, so we were sitting out there a lot, but I kept moving around. I looked very sad. Daddy came out with us and I got up to move away and they were discussing giving me an extra pain pill when I started to shake.
I just want to lay here in the grass, mama.
They looked at each other and scooped me up and the next thing I know I’m in the car and I don’t feel good and mama and daddy are stressing.
So we got to the emergency vet and they don’t seem that busy and mama does the paperwork and a tech comes out to look at my gums (pale pink) and they say they will get to me. But they never did. I finally fell asleep on their nice cool floor.
I wasn’t shaking anymore and had spent most of the two hours we waited visiting with other people who all, by the way, said I was adorable and beautiful and cute.
Which of course is true.
We finally left the emergency vet place and went home where I refused to take a pain pill and everyone got frustrated and then mama said we should just go to bed and see what tomorrow would bring.
So we did.
This morning I was very lethargic, sleeping on my bed out in the living room, instead of in the bedroom with her. Mama was worried cause I was sleeping with my head hanging off the bed.
Looks like I had too much to drink last night!
She petted me and I woke up and we went to get weighed (I still weigh the same) and then she made my pills which I took no problem, and my yogurt, with my special powder in it, which I loved, and my special breakfast, of ground turkey and a little pasta and one green bean, which I ate without arguing. Though I left 4 pasta noodles, cause really? Pasta??
This morning’s walk.
And then we went for a tiny walk, just down to the corner, and I did my business and then we went out back and filled the birdfeeders like we do every morning, and now I’m settled in for a nap, waiting for breakfast #2.
Watching mama, cause she has grape jelly and I want some!
So, as you can see things are normal, at least for us, but I think you should know that I’m slowing down and not feeling as happy all the time as I used to be, and mama and daddy and I are discussing the possibility of me going on my next big adventure. Mama says I’ll have to do that one without her, though she says she and daddy will be there to see me off.
I don’t know if I want to do an adventure without her, she and I have always shared everything. But she says I’m a strong girl and that I’ll love it across that bridge once I get there cause lots of my friends are already there. She says I won’t be sad or lonely there at all.
Earlier this week when I was a happy girl.
We’ll see. I’m pretty sure I’m not going over that bridge today. I told her that too….”not today, mama, not today.” Mama smiles but her eyes are leaking and she gave me an extra hug when we were outside this morning.
Not today, mama.
I don’t really like to be hugged, but I let her this time.
Change Is Hard 