Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

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Blue

I’ve been feeling a little blue – I guess I’m having Christmas withdrawal.  I miss planning for company, fixing fancy meals, spending time with happy people.  I miss the pretty lights.  A lot.  In fact if I had my way all outdoor lights would stay up throughout the winter because they make me smile.  And during a long winter it never hurts to have a few extra sources of smile material.

Which is why, when I saw these lights upon parking at a middle school for band rehearsal this week, I let out a little gasp of pleasure.

A couple houses near the school have left their lights up.  Possibly just for me, though I suspect the people that live there enjoy the pretty lights just as much as I do.  Or maybe it was just too cold to take them all down.  No…let’s go with the enjoying the lights through the dark winter concept.

As for me, well today I’m packing up all our Christmas paraphernalia and the thought was making me sad.  Christmas is over, nothing to look forward to.  But then this came in the mail:

And aside from the girl wearing the bathing suit and sand, there’s a small word that makes my heart sing.  Can you see it now?

Yes!  This is the Title Nine SPRING catalog!  It’s not a garden catalog, there are no pictures of pretty plants and packets of seed.  But running shorts, tanks and bathing suits do almost the same thing to lift my spirits.

So I thought I’d share it with you.  Where spring catalogs go, good weather is sure to follow.

Still, I’m going to miss those lights.


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93 meets 2 weeks

Christmas weekend we had my husband’s extended family here for dinner.  More than thirty people, including 2 newborns and the oldest member of the family, the 93 year old aunt, arrived the day after Christmas to celebrate family.

After a big meal of roast beef, ham and all the fixings we sat around the living room in a big circle while the two oldest members of the family told stories about their history.  Most everyone, except the little kids playing with new toys,  listened and asked questions about what it was like to grow up on a cold, rural Minnesota farm more than 80 years ago.  Though my husband and I have heard many of these stories before most of the younger generation, those we only see once a year, have never heard them.  One of the young fathers videoed the discussion because we all realize as family members get older our chances to hear these stories first hand become more rare.

So this holiday weekend we prompted them – drawing out the stories that made us laugh, made us think, made us grateful for the lives we have now.  It was a magical evening, one we’re lucky to have shared.

And as I watched my husband’s aunt that evening I wondered what it felt like to be 93 and spending an evening with young people and their even younger children.  What does it feel like to have 93 years of history in your head?  Are you wistful when you hold a newborn?  Are you transported in time when you watch a toddler more entranced with the box than the new toy he unwrapped?  Are you memorizing new memories or are you overwhelmed with thoughts of times gone by?

When the youngsters became too tired to play and started to head out for home, they each gave the eldest among us a hug.  Four generations sitting in one room telling stories, laughing, talking, remembering.  A special evening during a special weekend with special people.  Priceless.


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Bone structure

Many years ago having just graduated from college I couldn’t find work.  Wait a minute.  That sounds like my most recent college degree but no job experience…but I digress.  Back in the 70’s I was working through  a temporary agency and one of my assignments was to demonstrate the newly introduced Kodak Instant Camera which was directly competing with the more established Polaroid.

I was standing in the camera department of some big store, asking people if they wanted to have their pictures taken with the new camera.  Surprisingly many did.  They got to keep the photo and got a coupon for a discount off the camera.  Over the two or three days of the demo I began to notice that a lot of people look like each other.  That maybe there are only a handful of facial bone structures in existence.  That maybe we’re all more alike than we realize.

Now more than 30 years later I’m noticing this phenomenon again.  I see people that look familiar as I work at my new job back at the old bank.  People coming and going seem familiar, but I realize I’m not sure why.  Are they people I worked with four years ago?  Or do they just  remind me of people I knew while at school?  Or from my job at the library in between?  Or are they people I knew when I was a runner?  People in the bands I’ve played with?

I feel like I’ve had many separate lives over the years.  And sometimes I forget that people from my life at a bank in the Upper Peninsula don’t know my running friends from downstate, that the people I worked with at the mortgage company don’t know the library patrons I used to help, or the people that I’ve shared a music stand with.

It all seems like one seamless experience to me; though the life experiences have been pretty segregated I think that all the people I’ve met and known, talked to, commiserated with, all those people are pretty much the same.  Their faces are starting to run together as is my history of friends and acquaintances, all running together in a fluid stream of experience.

Lately when I see someone familiar approaching and smiling at me I smile back while racking my brain to figure out what part of my life they might have been in.  Where I knew them.  If I knew them.  Who they are.

Maybe it’s just that everyone looks alike and there’s only a handful of facial bone structures in the world.  Maybe we’re all more alike then we know.


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Seeing grass

Yesterday we had a heat wave…temps in the 40’s and lots of rain.  Even thunder.  As the snow melted I tried to convince myself the rain smelled like spring, but it didn’t work.  Somewhere in my mind the truth lurks…that we have weeks and weeks, months even, of winter still ahead of us.

But today, with the backyard bare and the grass still faintly green, Katie and I went out to play.  Twice.  It was soooooo cold, with temperatures in the teens and the wind blowing, that each of our play times was short.  But Katie needed to run, and I needed some fresh air.

We explored the yard the first time.  I asked her to sit for me in front of one of our backyard Christmas trees…she did, but she was much more interested in those noises from the woods where all the rabbits and squirrels and pesky deer lurk.  So we investigated, and though we never actually saw anything interesting…there were plenty of good things to sniff.

Later in the afternoon, with tiny little snowflakes gently floating we went out again, this time to chase the frisbee.  She loves her frisbee.

We didn’t stay out long because it was freezing, but we had a good time running around the yard.  Apparently catching a frozen frisbee isn’t that comfortable so she mostly let it land, then picked it up and brought it back.  Or not, depending on her mood.  Sometimes she waited for me to walk over and get it, then she’d get all excited to chase it again.  I guess it’s all about the chase, not so much about bringing it back to her Mama.  Silly girl.

And so the first weekend of the year passed peacefully, quietly, with plenty of naps and a few spurts of activity.  All good as Katie and I get ready to start the next week.

Next weekend maybe we’ll explore a bit further than the yard.  This weekend we had all we needed right here at home.


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Aftermath

The holidays are almost behind us.  This year everything seemed more stressful than usual.  I don’t know why.  It’s not as if I  haven’t done all of this before.   But I don’t remember being so very tired after.  The kind of tired where you come home from work, skip dinner and go to bed.  Where even after a long night of restless sleep you drag yourself out of bed to navigate the icy streets back to work thinking only about how many hours it is until you can go back to bed again.

Maybe it’s an aging thing.  Maybe I just get myself involved in too many things for my age.  Maybe I should say no more often.  Or maybe not, because everything I did this holiday season was fun, and I wouldn’t want to skip any of it.  The shopping and wrapping and visiting family, the holiday concerts, the cookie making, the planning for the big family dinner, the decorating and the hosting…it was all wonderful.

But now I need a nap.  Maybe a four or five day nap.  Oh yea, I forgot about that job I have to go to.  And this week we have to work all five days!  What were they thinking?  So that’s why this hostess gift we received at Sunday’s big holiday dinner will come in so handy.  The name of the wine says it all.

That is just what I’m going to do this New Year’s Eve…RELAX!  If I stay up till midnight to see the ball drop in Times Square, well, that’s cool.  But the odds are stacked against me, and really, how many years do I make it awake till midnight?  Not so many.  And I think I’m not alone, judging from the cubicle chatter today.

So maybe it’s not an age thing.  Maybe it’s just an over committed thing.  Maybe I’m just like everyone else.  And maybe we all need a four day nap.  Makes me feel less old to think of it that way.

Here’s hoping you all have a wonderful and safe New Year’s Eve, and that we all get a little more sleep in 2011!


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Merry Christmas !

We want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!  And to say thanks for all the kind comments so many of you have made over the years.  You are all part of our blogger family and we hope each of you has a wonderful holiday with family and friends.

Enjoy a moment of peace, eat some good food, laugh at old jokes, remember good times.  But most of all take this opportunity to slow down, look around, and recognize the moment.  Today is special.  Enjoy!


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Six years to say goodbye

Yesterday was the 6th anniversary of Dad’s death. He was killed while driving to the airport, on the way north to visit family for Christmas.  He was killed by a sleepy truck driver who didn’t notice that traffic had stopped.  He was killed because some people put profit over safety.

I wasn’t going to blog about it.  No one wants to read a sad blog two days before Christmas.   We should be concentrating on package wrapping, grocery shopping, tree decorating.  But the reason we do all that is for family, and sometimes family has to travel to be together.  And sometimes traveling is not so safe.

This morning as I was lying in bed thinking that I had survived another anniversary I began to feel sad that I hadn’t written about Dad.  As if ignoring the anniversary in public somehow lessened the loss or his worth.  Which is, of course, not true.  And it’s also not true that I didn’t think about him all day yesterday, because of course I did.  And compounding all these thoughts was the fact that  yesterday my brother was driving to the airport and flying up to stay with us for the holiday weekend.  It was a complicated layer filled emotional day.

And the point is that though the pain recedes it never goes away, and though the fight to make our roads safer, to enforce the laws that are on the books and to pass new, even safer laws never ends, we’re all made of pretty strong stock, and we’ll keep fighting through the pain.

Next year on this anniversary I want to be able to say that we’ve made progress with the length of time a  truck driver can legally drive, that we’re closer to having on-board recorders that make it harder to cheat on the hours of service rule, that we’ve stopped bigger, heavier trucks from being allowed to roam freely across the country.

For now I’m happy that Dad’s picture, along with many others, hangs in the offices of the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration.  And that the Truck Safety Coalition is a constant reminder to them (and sometimes a bur under their skin) of the importance and urgency of their work.  It’s not enough but it’s a beginning. I’m thinking we’ve already saved lives and Dad would be proud.

Meanwhile, all of you traveling this holiday weekend…be careful out there.


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A box…and it's not even Christmas yet!

Guess what?  Katie and I got a present from Reilly and his Mom!

How exciting!  Katie got a beautiful bunny rabbit!

She could hardly stand it, having to sit still while I took a picture.  And then it was all about killing that rabbit!

She’s in love!

And Bree sent me a pile of really beautiful hand made cards.  One of which I am sending to my Aunt for her birthday right away!

What a lovely gift, all of it, including the CD booklet filled with pictures of Katie that I can take with me to work.  In case I miss her during the day.  Which you know I do.

So thank you Bree and Reilly!  That was really thoughtful of you!

Katie’s sleeping with her rabbit right now.  🙂