Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


12 Comments

Working on safety – DC style

I don’t quite know where to start, how to catch you up on the activity here in DC.  Sunday was a fact filled day as we learned more about how government works, how bills become laws, how agencies write regulatory rules, how change can happen.  It’s all so ponderous.  What seems like common sense to all of us, raising the required insurance minimums for truck companies from $750,000 a crash (where it has been for almost 30 years) to something more representative of actual expenses families incur…adding side guards and strengthening the rear guard to prevent people from sliding under semi trailers…freezing the maximum size and weights on trucks where they are now to preserve lives and infrastructure…well apparently all of that needs to be studied. Some more.  To make sure the data is correct…to make sure implementation (if there ever is any) will be done correctly.

We spent this morning  in  meetings on ‘The Hill” in Senate office buildings meeting with transportation staff members.  Some we’ve seen before, some were new.  Turns out talking to the new people isn’t that bad, as we had an opportunity to educate them on safety issues and they had fewer preconceived ideas.  The afternoon was spent at four back to back meetings with different agencies at the Department of Transportation.  They’re the ones doing all the studying.  The legislature mandated last summer that several things be studied, and that some rules about implementation (for example, the Electronic On Board Recorders I am so excited about) be written.   They’re under tight deadlines and we wanted them to know that we’re watching to make sure things are done correctly, with safety in mind.  Most of the meetings were cordial, an exchange of ideas between us and agency officials.  Sometimes it got a bit tense when we expressed concern over our perception of bias toward heavier trucks being present in some study processes.

On a bittersweet note I got to tell Secretary LaHood how much we appreciated his work toward safety during the past four years.  He told us then that safety was his priority and that this “was not our grandmother’s DOT.” He has kept his word.  We wish he could stick around as we work through some very difficult issues. but we hope his leadership will lay the foundation for continued progress, and that our relationship with the agency will continue to move forward to positive outcomes.

On occasion I’d look at Dad’s picture sitting in front of me and  wish he could see all of this; listen to the engineers in our group talk about sway tests and automated brake systems with administrators of agencies tasked with mandating safer vehicles of all types.  Pretty fascinating if you didn’t let yourself be overwhelmed by it all.   I’m still surprised to find myself sitting in these meetings, to be representing families everywhere that have lost members or been injured in truck crashes.

At a dinner Sunday night, after we spent the day talking laws and regulations, issues and mandates, after an hour spent crying together as we shared the longer versions of  “our crashes,” with each other,  after we shared dinner and hugs the Truck Safety Coalition gave me an award for volunteering.  It’s a beautiful crystal vase and I will be proud to put flowers in it this summer.  It’s their way of thanking me for work done.  But I don’t know how I will ever thank them for the opportunity to take my anger and pain and turn it into something constructive.  This is all so much bigger than me or my family or even our group.  I’m honored to be involved.

Right now I’m so tired I can’t even add photos to this post.  So just imagine large buildings with lots of people all working on something vital, and us running around in between pushing for the issues we know will save lives.  Now think of us doing this all over again tomorrow.  In the rain.

Yep, it’s going to be another great day!


14 Comments

River of hope

Lincoln Monument from the river.

Lincoln Monument from the river.

Today was the first day of the Sorrow to Strength conference here in DC.  We met in a conference room of the hotel and got to know each other a little bit, then listened to a media specialist give advice on handling reporters and doing interviews.  She reminds us that we don’t have to be experts on statistics and safety issues, that all we need to do is tell our stories and stay focused on our message.   Good advice.  We’re just regular people not used to press reporters or television cameras.  I was thinking that we should all watch politicians and learn from them;  they never seem to answer the questions asked of them, and they always stay on task with their preplanned message.

Later in the day we heard from a grief specialist, Kathleen O’Hara.  I feel a connection to Kathleen because my sister found her book several years ago and that’s how she came to work with the Truck Safety group.  We are lucky to have her.  She works with new families and helps them get set up with local grief counseling  She was amazing.  She talked about how grief changes over the years and where to find sources of strength, both from within ourselves and from outside.

Kathleen on the boat.

Kathleen on the boat.

At the end of the day the whole group walked over to Georgetown and took a sunset river cruise.  We held a remembrance ceremony on the boat, where people told stories about their lost loved ones and we laughed and cried.  We were each given a paper boat and Kathleen told us to think about our person, make a wish and let the little boats drift free down the river.  It was a beautiful and unspeakably sad moment.

Dad's little orange boat.

Dad’s little orange boat.

Dad was a water person, he grew up on the Huron River and lived on or near water all his life.  He and Mom went out on the lake often in the evenings to watch the sun set.  The neighbors tell us that after she died he went out in the boat alone every night at sunset.  So I felt a special connection with Dad tonight as we floated on the Potomac…as I watch my little paper boat float away.

Today was good.  Kathleen reminds us to see the good in what we have left, to not dwell entirely on what we lost.  Today I am reminded that I have a lot of good left…and the people at this conference are some of the very best of my life.

Hugs to all of them.  May we always have the support of each other as we float down this river of hope toward our new tomorrows.

Georgetown at night.

Georgetown at night.


10 Comments

Gone away

Landed at Regan National.

Landed at Regan National.

Tonight I’m hanging out with friends in DC, tomorrow the work begins.  We’re sitting at the hotel bar catching up; it’s good to see them again.  We laugh, tell stories, but underneath the smiles rests the truth, the pain, the reason we’re all here.  We’re here because there are people missing from our lives that shouldn’t be gone.  We’re here because we can’t stay away.

This is the greatest group of people I wish I had never met.   As one in the group says she told her spouse when she called him tonight….”these are my friends.”  These are the people that truly know what it feels like because they’ve been there.  People that don’t have to talk at all,  they’re just there and you know you’re not alone.  The kind of people that hug tight and long, that look deep into your eyes and just know.

Tonight was the easy part of our very long weekend.  Tomorrow it gets harder.

Time for bed, I’ll share more later.


15 Comments

A mid-century girl

I woke up this morning to NPR talking about mass transit for Los Angles.  They were talking about the packed roads, the long commutes and what it would take to change the culture as well as the infrastructure to incorporate mass transit.  They ended the piece by saying there would be mass transit construction projects well into the middle of the century.

Laying there in bed contemplating that I realized the probability that I’d still be around at mid century were slim.  And here these people were talking about something that hadn’t sounded all that far away.  This realization has struck me more and more frequently lately.  Not many weeks ago there was another news story, I forget what it was about, perhaps the exploration of Mars, when I suddenly realized I wouldn’t witness the event.  It’s an odd feeling.

Which brings me to an update on Aunt V who is 97.  She’s home again after her latest stay at a rehab facility.  This one was nice; clean, she had her own room, her own bathroom and she liked the physical therapy.  But she wanted to be home, and home she is again.  She’s determined to get stronger so she will.  She’s like that.

But I wonder what it’s like at 97 when you listen to the news and realize you have so little time ahead of you and so much time behind.  Do you sit overwhelmed by the memories?  Are you still interested in what will happen in the future?  Or are you just waiting when you get to this stage of life?

It’s a puzzle we each get to work out if we’re lucky – how to fit all the pieces of our lives together to get the most out of each.  How to stay engaged when things change.   Maybe the answer is to just live and not worry about any of it.

Maybe that’s the answer.


34 Comments

Obedience? Did someone say obedience?

Is it my turn yet?

Is it my turn yet?

Katie here.  Mom said I should tell you all about her first try at obedience.  She says maybe I can learn something if I tell you the story.  Huh.  Don’t know what, because I’m the smartest one in our family.  Whatever.

So anyway, I got my Mama up at 5:45 this morning just like I do most weekend mornings.  I figure the more time she’s up the more time we have to play.  Anyway, for some reason she didn’t seem to be upset and got right up.  I amble out to the living room and am doing my daily morning stuff when my Dad gets up!  Now I know there’s something up.  And I don’t like it.  Not one bit.  Whenever my Dad gets up early I end up at the kennel or worse, the groomer!

They keep telling me we’re going to school but I’m not fooled.  My Dad doesn’t go to school with me.  So I pant a lot in the car but other than that I stay really quiet, hoping they forget I’m back there.

We drove for about an hour and I knew it wasn’t school as soon as they opened the car door.  There were dogs and cars and motor homes everywhere!  I led the way inside a big building and oh my goodness, all these poor dogs were up on tables getting brushed and washed and they all looked miserable.  I got my Mama out of that room right away!  Didn’t want her getting any ideas that’s for sure.

Our room was way far away from all the commotion; it was really small, hardly bigger than the ring and only a few dogs and their people were there.  Mama and Dad and I watched 3 dogs try to do Utility (the highest level of obedience) and 2 dogs tried to do Open (the level ahead of me) and not one single dog qualified!  Oh man, my Mama was getting nervous!

In our class, Novice A, there were supposed to be two dogs, me and someone else, but no one else ever showed up so I had the place all to myself.  Just about everyone else had left, so it was me and my Mama and my Dad and the judge and the stewards.  It was real quiet.

I still didn’t think we were at school.  So when Mama and I lined up at the start and the judge asked Mama if we were ready I wasn’t really interested.  And the whole leash pattern I had my nose on the ground and wouldn’t look at mom and was about 3 feet away from her sniffing sniffing sniffing.  I sort of kept up with her but I left her alone to walk a lot too.  If I had looked at her I’m pretty sure she’d have been staring daggers at me, because she can’t, like she does at school, talk to me and remind me I was there to work!

Then just before the last about turn I suddenly realized I was supposed to be paying attention!  Well!  Why didn’t you SAY SO Mama!  By the figure 8 exercise I knew the game plan and I worked it.  Hardly any lagging and I was looking at my Mama most of the time.  She said she was relieved.  Me too, though I was wondering where my treats were!

And you know the stand for exam?  Where my Mama tells me to stand and stay and then she walks away from me and a STRANGE PERSON comes and TOUCHES me?  No sweat.  I already liked the lady that was following us around anyway, she seemed nice.  So I didn’t move a hair on my pretty head and my Mama was grinning like a crazy lady.  Which she is a crazy lady, but that’s another story.

Then we got to my favorite – the recall, where she makes me sit straight (I don’t like the straight part) and then she walks a real long way away and I get to come when she calls. I like that because it shows off my beautiful furs and because I love to run.  Especially to my Mama because she gives me treats.  But this time no treats again!  If I had known that I wouldn’t have done it so perfect and come in so straight and sat so pretty!  But it was too late, I didn’t know the no treat thing until after I showed off.

Then we got to do that heel pattern thingy again.  I guess because I had messed it up so much the first time.  But this time there was no bothersome leash involved. Mom wasn’t worried because I had made it clear I knew what was going on by then.  And you know what?  I nailed it!  My Mama was so happy!

I don’t even need to tell you that my long sits and long downs were awesome!  Mama says she nearly had a heart attack near the end of the long (3 min) down when I shifted to my other hip.  She knows that lots of time when I do that I’m about fed up with staying and am contemplating getting up to see what the heck is going on somewhere else.  But I stayed right there because she was staring daggers into me again.

So the long story short is Mama got her first leg (she has to get a total of 3) of Novice Obedience!  She is very excited.  I was excited about the toy they gave me.

My Mama got a ribbon, but I got the real prize!  A toy!!

My Mama got a ribbon, but I got the real prize! A toy!!

At home Mama tried to get a nice picture of me and my toy.

This is MINE!

This is MINE!

But I figured I had been good long enough.  I wanted to play with it!

So I did.

A girl can't have too many toys!

A girl can’t have too many toys!


10 Comments

Mahler 6

If you like your symphonies full bodied you should have been in Ann Arbor last night when the Ann Arbor Symphony did Mahler’s Symphony No. 6.  With just under 100 musicians the stage was packed.  And every one of those musicians played their hearts out.

The 6th is relentless…full…lush spellbinding.  It could be…should be…the score for a movie.  That would be something wouldn’t it…to make a movie…perhaps a silent movie (the better to enjoy the music).. to fit  the drama of Mahler’s 6th.  It has everything an epic movie should have; marching armies, intimate battles, galloping horses, angst, star crossed lovers, mothers tenderly watching their children who grow up to march in armies heading off to battle, gentle love scenes, peaceful pastoral settings…more marching armies.  Life.  Death.

The musicians played 80 minutes and there were very few of those minutes that allowed any of them to rest.  Those of us in the audience sat still for 80 minutes, only letting our breaths out for the few seconds between each of the four movements.

We enjoyed fantastic woodwinds, royal trumpets and stunning horns. The strings played as one, the harps were ethereal, the percussion added a sense of drama alternating with humor.  The music swelled and lifted us in ever tighter revolutions, higher and higher into rarefied air and then let us down gently onto a moss strewn forest floor where we luxuriated in sunshine and harmony until the music swept us up on the next wave of emotion again.  Over and over we raced high above earth and then floated back.

Mahler wrote about this piece as he was composing it.  He said it was going to be like nothing the world had heard before.  Last night it often seemed bigger than the world, as if it could touch every corner of our planet.  The sound was bigger, brighter, more luminous than words can describe.  You had to be there.  You should have been there.

Finally the whole piece came down to the last measures, measures as soft and delicate as a final breath.   They gave me goose bumps.  And as the musicians let that last note go, as the conductor stood still with his hands in the air as if to hold on for one more moment, as the audience held it’s breath, my eyes filled with tears.

Profound.


10 Comments

Lots on my mind.

It’s a full moon and the end of the month.  The combination appeared to make the mortgage industry  this week simply insane.  So I’m glad it’s finally Friday night.

This weekend will be pretty busy.  We are going to the Ann Arbor Symphony on Saturday night.  I’ve been so stressed I’m not even sure what they are playing, but it doesn’t matter.  I could so use some music therapy right about now.

And on Sunday morning Katie and I are going to attempt to earn the first leg of her Novice Obedience title.  I’m mostly freaked about her off leash stuff.  Unlike Rally where I can talk to her and call her back to me when she wanders, Obedience doesn’t allow talking other than the heel commands after each halt.  And there are a number of things we have to do, so our time in the ring is longer…without treats to keep her motivated.  I’m hoping that 6 years of school click in and she’ll just do what we’ve done for years.  If she is on her game…and if I don’t mess this up…well…there will be a jackpot waiting for her.  Between you and me there will be a jackpot  regardless of whether we “Q” or not…just because we love her.

So anyway, after a very stressful week at work I’m now sort of stressing about the weekend.  And next weekend I’ll be in Washington DC at my 5th Sorrow to Strength.  I need to get prepared for that too…but I can’t seem to think about it too much until I get past the Obedience Trial.

Sometimes I wonder how I get myself into all this stuff.  But really?   It’s just that almost everything interests me and if I could have my way I’d be doing even more things.  But for now I’ll focus on the symphony on Saturday and on getting to the trial on time for Sunday.

I’m sure Katie will take it from there.

What you talkin about Mom?

What you talkin about Mom?


15 Comments

Color me red

When Karma challenged us to find photos of a color we are drawn to I was stumped.  I love all color.  Sure a lot of my clothes are blue and green.  And gray and brown.  And black.  But I don’t think I have a favorite color;  I’ve always struggled with that question.

To compound the problem I like to go out and find new photos for Karma’s photo hunts.  And my world here in Michigan is pretty much brown.  Which is better than white.  But still.

Brown cornfield with brown oak tree.

Brown cornfield with brown oak tree.

Yep, the world here is brown.  And beige.

Katie's park is brown right now.

Katie’s park is drab right now.

And so I thought I’d do the piece about green.  I like green well enough.  There are so many shades of green, and it’s a color that brings such hope for those of us in the north after long winters.  I wasn’t quite satisfied with that decision, but was starting to look around for some new green photos when I saw this:

Welcome home.

Welcome home.

I saw it out of the corner of my eye as I was on my way to a bright green soccer field I had seen Friday night. And suddenly I knew.  The color that attracts me most as we inch our way out of a long, cold, and endless winter… is red.  Bright red.  The color of spunk, of confidence, of joy.

So I switched gears and began to notice the red all around. It’s everywhere, little bits of warmth, of the promise of summer.  Some of it is tucked away…

Hidden behind the pond.

Hidden behind the pond.

…some of it is in your face bold.

A local family lives bold.

A local family farm.

Some red I found at our local nursery….

Promise of summer.

Promise of summer.

…and some I found last weekend on a trip over to Lake Michigan.

South Haven lighthouse.

South Haven lighthouse.

Joyful red is everywhere.  I just had to spend a little bit of time to notice.

Made you smile!

Made you smile!


13 Comments

Snowing. Again.

It snowed today.  Again.  Snow doesn’t seem to mind that it’s the end of April or that we’re all beyond tired of the cold wet stuff.  That we don’t think it’s pretty anymore and no one is excited when they notice snow flakes from our office windows.

Pretty - right?!

Pretty – right?!

No this wasn’t today.  This was April 6, 2009.  Just to put today into perspective.

Still, wouldn’t it be fun to wear flip flops and walk in sunshine?

Maybe sometime soon.

Memories...

Memories…