grief | Change Is Hard

February 26, 2015
by dawnkinster 10 Comments

Amy, I wish I’d met you

Amy. Twenty-seven, pretty, interesting, artistic, and by the looks of pictures on her Facebook page and blog, always smiling. I hear she was getting married in May. I never met her, never read her blog or asked her to friend me on Facebook. She was the friend and fellow blogger of a blogger friend of mine. Social media certainly makes the world smaller, and yesterday evening when my friend posted a short piece about Amy leaving a hole in her heart, about how she would be missing her friend, I wondered, so I clicked the link to Amy’s blog. There was a recent post and nothing seemed amiss. That made me wonder more so I started searching for information on Amy and her city. I found a short, one paragraph article about a six vehicle pileup with one fatality. A female.

And I knew.

Today, almost exactly 24 hours after that crash I read an article that included parts of the initial police report. All six vehicles were being merged into the left lane by State Police because of an accident up ahead. Amy was driving third in line behind two SUVs. There was a pickup behind her and behind that vehicle were two semi trucks. Amy and the two vehicles ahead of her had moved over to the left lane and slowed. The pickup behind her was in the process of moving over and had slowed. The semi behind the pickup tried to move over but couldn’t slow down fast enough, and hit the pickup, spinning it into the median. The semi behind the semi involved in the first crash hit that first semi, then slammed into Amy’s car, spinning it, then rammed into it again, on the driver’s side door, bounced off of her car, and hit each of the two vehicles ahead of Amy, then ran up an embankment and hit the bridge.

How fast do you think that second semi had to have been going to hit the first semi, Amy’s car twice, two other cars and still make it up the embankment to strike the cement bridge? It was snowing yesterday afternoon, terrible weather they say. I’m sure the truck drivers will use the weather card while explaining the reason they couldn’t control their vehicles. But these are professional drivers. We expect more from them. They, of all drivers, should know that bad weather requires everyone, especially big heavy trucks, to slow down. If that second truck had been going slower he might have run into the back of the first semi, but would he have hit Amy twice?

Amy, just like my father who was killed in a crash almost identical, absent the snow, did nothing wrong. She successfully slowed and merged. She had nowhere to go. She was killed because someone else made a mistake. And it’s a mistake that is happening across this country every single day. Four thousand people die in crashes with commercial trucks every year. Yesterday Amy was one of them.

I thought about Amy all day today. And as I drove home into a sky going purple with evening I thought about her family, her boyfriend, the wedding that won’t be, the future that ended so abruptly, the art she won’t make, the children she won’t have. I didn’t realize I was crying for her until I tasted my tears.

I became involved with the Truck Safety Coalition when my dad was killed. We offer comfort and information to families who have suffered the unthinkable. I know right now Amy’s family is reeling with grief. Her friends are in shock. Her fiance is in a black hole. I know this is not the time they want to think about what they should be doing to preserve evidence, what they will need to fight for justice for Amy. But they need to know. I wish I could hold them all in a big hug and gently help them through these first horrible days, weeks, months. Years.

I might never get to do that. But I do want them to know that when I’m working on these issues, when I’m in DC talking to elected officials and agencies and reporters I’ll be holding Amy in my heart right next to my dad. Amy has given me one more reason not to give up.

Amy. I wish I had met you. But you can be sure that I’m not going to forget you. The work we do to advance safety on our roads is done to honor Amy and my dad, and all the others killed and injured in crashes with commercial trucks. We are their voices and we are not going away.

Rest in peace Amy. The world is a little less special without you.

I can see that. Even though I never met you.

January 11, 2015
by dawnkinster 11 Comments

Parenting

I know I’ve talked about this before. And I know, not having kids, that I’m totally unqualified to speak about it. But what’s with parents providing daily, sometimes hourly advice and direction to their kids these days? I sit in a cubicle and am surrounded by parents. Most of them are parents of adult children, children who are off at college or working jobs and living in their own homes. Yet they seem to need to talk to Mom daily.

About every single little thing.

And Mom seems to be the one that orchestrates all decisions, events, discussions and sometimes even meals. Really? These kids can’t decide whether to sell their college books when the news semester starts without discussing it with Mom? They can’t go into their wireless carrier and straighten out a bill without having their Mom call? They need daily prompting from Mom to take stuff out of the freezer for dinner, or to arrange a time when everyone can get together for a holiday meal? They need Mom to negotiate between squabbling siblings?

Huh. I don’t remember ever doing any of that.

When I was in college we only got to call home once a week for a few minutes. And we’d never have called during the day because daytime long distance rates were off the charts. And no way would we have called a parent at work. Ever. For anything.

So as I watched the news last week about the hedge fund manager allegedly shot and killed by his 30 something son because he was contemplating lowering the son’s allowance and was going to stop paying the son’s rent I have to ask the question. How much accountability and responsibility is being given to these adult children? And are parents doing the kids or themselves any favors by being so involved in every single aspect of their children’s lives?

When do their kids get to be the adults?

On the other hand Wednesday of last week I also stopped by a funeral home to pay my family’s respect to the mother of a friend. She died right after the New Year, and was only ill a couple of months. You could see the adult children struggling to accept their loss. It’s a lot, the loss of a mother, for anyone no matter their own age. And as I was driving back to work that afternoon I thought about it all. The helicopter parents. The adult children relying so much on their parents for daily decisions in these times. The way things are so different now than when I was a young adult testing the waters of life. Life without parents.

And I knew for sure that there was at least one set of siblings that would give a lot for a little helicoptering right now from a mom that has moved on to her next adventure. Shoot, if I could I’d call my mom right now and ask her how long it took her to grieve her own mother. And the recipe for that broccoli rice casserole.

I turned out to be who I am because of the way they raised me. They weren’t helicopter parents, but that wasn’t the style in those days. Maybe if I had been born at the end of the last century instead of the middle they would have been coptering around me and my three siblings. Somehow I don’t think so. That doesn’t mean they didn’t love us, it just means they came from stock where you let the kids make their own decisions, good and bad. As long as we didn’t kill anyone in the course of growing up we were allowed to learn our own lessons.

Parents have lots of ways of showing love. Maybe parents of today just show it in a myriad of tiny minute decisions and shows of support. Maybe that’s not all bad. Maybe having a parent that cares is all that matters. Maybe kids will grow up when they have to, helicopter parents or not.

In the end who am I to judge parenting skills. Maybe I’m just feeling envious when I hear all those phone conversations between adult kids and their moms.

Maybe a little helicoptering would be welcome in my world about now.

Maybe I just miss my mom.

Yea, that’s probably it.

I miss my mom.

December 22, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

Sunday afternoon surprise adventure

Katie here! Hey, bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again so soon! My mama doesn’t let me have her blog very often you know, but since it’s Christmas and all I guess she’s feeling generous. Or she doesn’t have anything to say. Either way it works for me!

In the Arboretum.

So she was lying around the house all weekend. I was plenty bored but after awhile I just gave up and went off to sleep in my secret places. But then she turned off the TV and said: “Katie-girl! Where are you?” And of course I came running because whenever my mama calls me I get right to her as fast as I can in case she’s handing out treats and such. Well this time she was still on the sofa and she asked me if I’d like to go for a ride with her. A ride! Well OF COURSE MAMA! I jumped right on top of her and licked her in the face and then I barked and barked and barked and then I jumped off of her and ran to the door and I barked and barked and barked and then I ran around the sofa a bunch, and then around her feet while she was trying to walk and I kept barking.

I guess you get the picture.

Grandpa & Grandma’s rock

So anyway, my mama took me down to see her Mom and Dad’s rock on the banks of the Huron River. She’s been missing them lately, what with all the family movies and advertisements and stuff on TV, so she took me for a visit.

I never got to meet them.

I wasn’t the least bit interested in the river or the ducks that she said were “right there baby!”

Ducks are boring!

I was much more interested in the other people and their dogs. We only stayed at the rock for a moment or two and then we went walking in the hills. It sure was pretty back there. I guess they got a little snow, but mostly it was just wet leaves.

A little bit of snow.

As we were climbing up and down the hills my mama kept saying “Easy, easy girl” so I wouldn’t pull her and her camera down into the mud. Silly mama. Like I’d ever do that. When I didn’t have her hanging on to me I was as nimble as a mountain goat!

Running down a hill.

We had a really good time. We talked to a couple of people who were out walking their dogs. One lady in particular had a dog named Gus and we walked with them for awhile. The lady was talking to mama about camping with Gus. Mama wishes she had gotten the lady’s name, she says she thinks we could have had a good time going on walks with them again.

Lots of good sniffing!

I slept all the way home, but don’t tell my mama that. I like her to think I’m always vigilant.

Don’t you know.

December 20, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

WordPress Photo challenge – yellow

I know. Yellow??

The point of the original post was that we are surrounded with holiday colors this time of year, blue and silver, red and green. But does yellow have a special meaning for anyone this holiday season?

Turns out it does for me.

Sandy’s favorite color

This time the photo challenge isn’t about finding an interesting representation or a stunning photograph. This time it’s just about friendship and nostalgic memories.

And jingle bell socks.

You see there once was a woman here at work who loved the holidays so much that as Christmas approached she wore socks with jingle bells sewn into them. We all smiled as we heard her coming and going. I wrote about her last winter when she died after a short illness; how she was everyone’s ‘work mom,’ confidant, advice giver, listener. How we were going to miss her.

Her favorite color was yellow, and everyone at her funeral wore yellow ribbons in her honor. I pinned it to the dusty dirty wall of my cubicle last February and look at it every day. I can still hear her voice and her laugh in my head, and I hope I will always be able to bring her to mind and smile.

I’ve been thinking about her a lot these past few weeks as the holidays descend, as work stays crazy and home life gets crazier. And once in awhile when I hear the faint jingle of a bell I’m pretty sure it’s her checking in on us.

If you see me walking around grinning it’s because she’s still with me whenever I see the color yellow this holiday season.

So….how you doing girlfriend? We miss you.

Merry Christmas up there in heaven.

December 9, 2014
by dawnkinster 10 Comments

We are here, we are here, we are HERE!

Revision note 12/10, 5:30 a.m.: Sadly Congress passed the Appropriations Bill last night while I slept. Complete with Senator Collins’ language to roll back truck safety. Read below and you’ll understand some of what the American people lost. It’s devastating.

How many of you remember the story by Dr. Seuss titled Horton Hears a Who? It’s the story of a whole world of people living on a spec of dust who must make a glorious and loud noise to prove their existence. That’s how I feel right now as those of us associated by tragedy to the Truck Safety Coalition fight to remove an amendment to the Appropriations Bill that will increase the allowable hours a professional driver can drive each week from 70 to 82 hours. The Appropriations Bill has to come up for a vote in the next couple of days and if the language is still included when that happens much of the work we’ve done over the past several years to require professional drivers to get adequate rest will be lost.

We are desperately trying to make enough noise to be heard.

I’ll try to keep this brief as I know during the holidays no one wants to spend a lot of time reading and thinking about things as serious as death and injury. As wrenching as grief. And most of your know my family’s story; dad was killed by a tired trucker on December 23, 2004. In two weeks it will be ten years. For nine of those years we’ve been fighting the battle, trying to get a safer Hours of Service Rule issued by the Department of Transportation. Finally, last year the new rule was mandated. It wasn’t everything we wanted. We wanted the maximum daily number of hours that a driver could drive to be reduced from 11 back to 10, and we lost that fight. But at least the new rule required drivers who had maxed out their weekly allowable hours of work to rest for two consecutive nights. The two nights of rest piece wasn’t just pulled out of a hat. There’s all sorts of scientific evidence that the human body needs certain kinds of rest in order to be fully functional, and two nights in a row helps to maintain the body’s rhythm.

As soon as the rule came out the American Trucking Associations attacked. And they helped Senator Collins from Maine to write the Collins amendment which would repeal this mandated two nights of rest. It’s basically the only step forward we’ve made in years of fighting, and this amendment would put us back to square one. It allows shippers and supervisors to once again push a driver to work up to 82 hours every week. That’s twice as many hours as you and I, or most Americans, work. And truck drivers don’t get paid overtime.

A recent poll showed that the majority of the American public is opposed to increasing truck driver hours. They know about the dangers of fatigued driving. The opposition to the legislative efforts to increase the allowable hours is across all demographic and political groups. If the majority of people oppose increased driving hours, then why is Congress so set on letting the two nights of rest be repealed?

Because the ATA financially supports their political campaigns.

And that’s why we absolutely need to make a louder noise. Right now. We need every Senator contacted tomorrow and again the next day if the vote on the Appropriations Bill hasn’t occurred. We need every Senator to know that we oppose the Collins Amendment being included in the bill. The Collins Amendment has nothing to do with appropriations and it has never been debated on the Senate floor. It was worked out in a closed door committee meeting and slipped into the bill as if it was a done deal.

Well it’s not done. Not yet anyway.

Please call your two Senators. Tell them you are against the Collins Amendment being in the bill. Tell them you want our roads to be safer and you expect them to stand up for safety rather than cave to expensive truck lobbyists who’s agenda is profit over safety. You can find your Senator’s phone #’s here. And if you’d like to read more, go to the Truck Safety Coalition website, or directly to a letter from two Senators who oppose the amendment. If you’d like to know more about Senator Collin’s motivation, read Joan Claybrook’s statement.

Please help.

This didn’t turn out to be the short, poetic heart-tugging blog I intended. But it’s so important and there’s no short way to explain what’s happening in Washington DC right this very moment. I can’t explain the politics of it any more than I can fully explain the grief of losing a family member suddenly, tragically, needlessly.

Please don’t think of this as my issue, my problem. The safety of our roads is everyone’s issue, everyone’s problem. It’s only by all of us banding together and making that glorious, loud noise that we will be noticed. Please help me make that noise. Make that noise as early as you can tomorrow. The Senate offices open at 9 a.m. Let’s make those phone lines sing. You can call later in the day too. Just please call.

The roads don’t belong to the ATA. They belong to all of us. And we deserve to garner as much attention as a paid lobbyist. We deserve to get more attention. We’re the ones that voted these Senators into their offices and they should be paying attention to us. We are here. We are here. We are HERE! Say it with me now. WE ARE HERE! And Senator Collins – we are not going away.

Thank you for your support. I miss you Dad.

November 15, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

FedEx and all of us

Photo credit Wyoming Tribune Eagle

In Wyoming last Saturday three innocent people died when a FedEx truck crossed the median and hit their minivan. While the initial story indicated two people in the van died, a subsequent article, which describes those killed as involved in their community, shared the sad news that a third person, the son of the woman, died as well.

Does this sound familiar?

I bet most of us have forgotten all about the crash last spring in California where a FedEx truck crossed the median and hit a tour bus filled with college students. At least ten were killed including both drivers. The NTSB still hasn’t issued a report telling us what caused that crash, though they shared a report earlier on the sequence of events. And at the time there were lots of heartbreaking stories about the individuals who were killed and injured and how they and their families were coping. When ten people are killed in a senseless crash in California it’s a big story. But still, we all forget as soon as the next big story comes along.

It’s inevitable.

Internet photo by Jeremy Lockett

So when only three people die in a remote state like Wyoming there’s little press. Not so much national coverage. It’s not headline news. And when one person dies here, another one there, over time and across 50 states, no one notices at all.

Except those of us that have been there.

And when it’s the same company that has killed innocents we sit up and take extra notice. FedEx warrants some of our attention, some research. I know people will say that it’s early and we don’t know the cause of this latest crash in Wyoming. That we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. But it has been proven that a driver involved in one crash, regardless of fault, has a bigger probability of being involved in another. Logically that is because a person involved in a crash, even one not their fault, may be a less observant driver, perhaps not as defensive, as someone paying more attention who might have been able to avert disaster given the same circumstances. I can extrapolate on this theory to assume that a company that has been involved in one fatal crash has a larger probability of being involved in another fatal crash, perhaps due to the culture of the organization.

What’s the culture at FedEx?

I’m not the only one wondering what’s going on. Turns out others are investigating their safety record. And included in the article are some numbers from the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Administration comparing FedEx and other carriers. Notice the 3.8 crashes per 100 drivers for FedEx compared to 1.74 crashes per 100 drivers for UPS. Makes you wonder doesn’t it. And don’t you doubly wonder when you realize that FedEx is one of the large shippers lobbying hard to get longer and heavier trucks approved to travel on all our roads?

The holiday season is upon us. More and more packages will be shipped and companies like FedEx will be busier and under more stress to get your baubles and gifts shipped faster then ever. We all leave holiday shopping to the last minute. We all want instant gratification. We all want that next day delivery. And so we all contribute to the culture of pushing drivers to go faster and further just to make our dreams come true.

Let’s just stop.

Let’s shop locally. And early. Or send gift cards from your family’s favorite local store. Let’s not demand instant delivery. Let’s spend more time with our families and less time shopping. And while we’re doing that let’s remember the families and survivors of the crashes in California and Wyoming, and all the other crash victims we haven’t even heard about. Let’s remember that they are going to face their first holidays in what is their new normal. Let’s be thankful for what we have while we remember those we’ve lost. Let’s never stop working toward fixing this problem, investigating those responsible, and supporting those hurting. Let’s not forget. Ever.

And maybe, just maybe, let’s not use FedEx until they can understand that profit over safety is unsustainable.

November 11, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

A simple thank you

Great Lakes National Cemetery

Today was Veterans Day; the eleventh day of the eleventh month and designated by President Wilson in 1919 as a day to honor those who have given so much so that we here in the United States remain free.

It was a day for all of us to say thank you to those who have served our country in the military.

Flowers amid the stones.

Over hills and across farmland, not far from where I live, is the Great Lakes National Cemetery. It sits on over 500 acres, was opened in 2005 and is the final resting place for thousands, and someday hundreds of thousands, of veterans and their spouses. The numbers, even now, are staggering and very visual as you look across row after row of white marble headstones. You can become lost in the vastness of it.

Thousands of souls.

Or you can stop and wander, read a few of the names and messages found there.

Wandering and reading.

Each stone honors an individual, a veteran yes, but also a person. A person that had a life outside the military, someone who laughed with family, hung out with friends, traveled, went fishing.

Sometimes the story on the headstone is simple.

Pearl Harbor survivor.

And sometimes it gives you just a tiny glimpse of the person who once walked this earth.

Animal lover.

So many of the stones reminds you how short life can be. How short it was for so many.

While we were out there we had something of a flyover. Five sand hill cranes flew in formation directly overhead, crying their own version of a patriotic melody.

In formation.

It seemed fitting.

Today was Veterans Day. But really, shouldn’t we honor those who serve our country every day? Tomorrow, the day after Veterans Day, take a moment and thank a veteran. Smile at them. Shake their hand. Buy them a cup of coffee.

This WW II veteran understood the truth.

Make someone’s day. And yours.

Let’s not forget.

Just say thank you.

October 16, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

The truth behind the trip

We enjoyed sharing our trip around Lake Michigan with you through photos here on this blog and on Facebook. It was a lot of fun exploring new places, revisiting places we used to work and live, spending a tiny bit of time with friends from long ago. Mostly it was good to get away and explore.

But that’s not the reason we went.

As most of you know I volunteer for the Truck Safety Coalition (TSC), a nonprofit group that works on safety issues surrounding commercial trucks. We work through Congress and the agencies of the Department of Transportation (DOT). Most of us have family members that were killed or injured in crashes with commercial trucks and those experiences inspire us to work hard to make our roads safer.

Last week members of my family and I, along with the Executive Director of TSC and a member of another family who has also been forever changed by a truck crash, spent the day at a huge trucking company learning about their safety procedures, their plans for future safety enhancements and their feelings about the issues we’ve been working on. They invited us to come visit their facilities and talk, to see which issues we agree on and what we might be able to work on together for the good of everyone – to make our roads safer.

Imagine that.

A giant in the industry invited us, a group of hurting, stubborn, sometimes angry individuals who have no ties to trucking except through tragedy, to sit at their table and talk with them. They listened to us, expressed concern and empathy, and then told us how they are approaching safety and answered our questions as we tried to familiarize ourselves with their side of the issues.

Unprecedented.

We won’t be able to agree on everything. These are complicated issues; electronic monitoring, rules about hours of service, minimum liability insurance increases, maximum size and weight challenges, even how drivers are paid. But the more we talk the better the odds are for positive change.

TSC has worked with Congress and made some advances. We’ve worked with the DOT and made some advances. And now we’re working with a part of the trucking industry. Maybe this is another front, an untapped resource. We’ve not anti-trucking as some would like to portray us. We remind people that truck drivers die too. We’re working for safer trucking, for the good of everyone.

As a group we need to explore every avenue to safety. I am glad we got the invitation, and I’m glad I went. I learned a lot. I saw compassion and humanity on the ‘other side’ and realized once again that we’re all in this together. I know that no one individual, no one group, no one truck company can make it all right.

But together we can make it better.

We do it one day, one rule, one law, one truck company at a time. We do it in honor of those we loved and lost, in honor of the hundreds of thousands of injured. In honor of all of them we work for change. This time change began in a meeting room of a large truck company and this change is good.

And that’s why we went. Miss you Dad.

October 5, 2014
by dawnkinster 7 Comments

What we leave behind

I’m getting ready for a road trip, my favorite kind of travel; a little random, sometimes spontaneous, always interesting. Freeing. But as I’m packing the last bits of things into the suitcase I look around. Is the house clean? Is the bed made. Are things put away?

Do you do that? Check out the house before you walk out the door? I do. Every single time. Whether I’m headed for work, a week long trip, or just running to the grocery store. Because you never know if you’re coming back. You never know if someone else will be walking into your home after you’re gone and you wouldn’t want the house to be a mess.

I’ve been this way for ten years. Ever since the summer of 2004 when my mom went off to church and didn’t come home, and then dad went to the airport for a holiday visit and didn’t come home either. Neither of them knew they were leaving home for the last time. I often picture mom picking up her purse, climbing into the car and driving off to town. I picture dad tossing his luggage in the trunk and heading out into the dark morning. I imagine they checked a few things, mom making sure she had her reading glasses because she played the organ at church, dad making sure the thermostat was turned down because he’d be away a week.

Neither of them could possibly imagine that their children would walk back into that house in tears and without them. But I can image it. I know what it’s like to walk into a place that was once someone’s home and is now just the keeper of the memories and the stuff belonging to people we loved. So before I head off on the next adventure I take a quick look around.

Just in case.

Because you never know.

August 16, 2014
by dawnkinster 12 Comments

One last hour

If I could have one hour to spend with anyone, living or dead, I’d spend it with my mother.

I woke last night at 1:00 in the morning with that sentence running through my head. I slowed my thoughts down a bit and explored the concept. Was I sure it would be my mother? Out of all the people in the world, back through all eternity?

Yes, if it could only be one, than she was it.

I’d sit across a small table from her, out on a bluff above the ocean on a pretty spring day with seabirds floating on a breeze that made the grasses dance. I’d ask her questions. How long did it take you to grieve your mother; when did you start to feel better? When grandma died, so long after grandpa, did you feel like an orphan even though you were an adult? What’s heaven like anyway? Is dad there with you every day? Did you get to see your folks, and your own grandparents? Your brother? Can you really see us down here? All the time? Or just when we want you to, because sometimes I do stuff I’d rather you didn’t know about. What’s the secret ingredient in your potato salad?

I’d ask questions, but mostly I’d just sit and listen and look. I’d memorize her face and her voice, soak in the ‘momness’ of her. File it away to be taken out and examined later. And when the hour was gone saying goodbye would be excruciating. But no more excruciating than these past ten years have been, no more excruciating than the next ten will be. I’d hug her tight until she disappeared – until she became nothing but a wisp of sweet air.

And then I’d find myself hugging only me.

Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: grief