Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: sad


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Why does this happen?

Coming home from work last night I knew there was something wrong when the normal weather and traffic was interrupted for a CBS Special Report.  Who, I wondered, had died?  Turns out many people, children included.  Turns out for an Oklahoma community the world turned upside down in an instant.  Literally.

The pictures, the video, the grand scope of the devastation is overwhelming and painful to watch.  It must be even beyond that to actually experience.  I watched a mother being interviewed as first responders scrambled through the leveled elementary school behind her.  “Why does this happen?” she asked.  She couldn’t find her sister or her niece.   At that point in the evening six people were confirmed dead, two of them children.

Why does this happen?  Who can understand when terrible things happen to people?  How can we move forward when such terrible things happen so randomly.  How can we ever feel safe?  And what can we do to help those families in the throes of grief right now?

I went to bed feeling sad.  I woke with a sense of dark, heavy dread.  I knew by now the death toll would be more than six.  This morning it is twenty-four, nine of them children.  The heaviness settles deeper into my heart.

We’re expecting storms here this morning.  Very soon.  They sky is dark and heavy, reflecting the way I feel.  I ask Katie to hurry outside so that we can beat the rain.  The air is thick, the trees still.  Waiting.  Waiting.  I keep an eye on the sky, Katie keeps her nose in the air.  Things happen randomly.  You never know.  Bad things happen everywhere.

As I watch the sky two dark shapes swoop low.  I am startled and then mesmerized.   A pair of sand hill cranes flies overhead.  Very very low,  very slow, almost silent.  Instead of their usual noisy screeching they are cooing gently to each other.   I hold my breath and watch them.  They disappear behind a line of trees across the street.  Stunning.

You see?  Amidst the fear and sadness and confusion there is beauty.  And we rarely ask why.  Why did these two magnificent birds choose to fly right over my head so early on such a sad morning?  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t have to know why these thing happen.  Maybe I just have to move ahead and live.

And send some money to the Red Cross… for Oklahoma.


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See you at the movies

I felt, as many did, that I lost a friend when Roger Ebert died yesterday.  I remember watching his show growing up, enjoying the sparring between Gene Siskel and Roger.  How many of us made our movie viewing decisions based on their thumbs?

I also read Roger’s blog pretty regularly.  And I was sad when he said just the other day that he was going to take a “leave of presence” while he fought back cancer once again.  He wrote about a lot of things, not always movies.  In fact not a whole lot about movies.  He was always interesting, sometimes poignant, sometimes funny.  He wrote as if we were all his friends.  I hope we were.

I like to think that perhaps he and Gene are catching up now, perhaps working on a new project together.  And if heaven is perfect and different for everyone, then I’m sure there’s a movie theater there.   I hope they get to see all the first run movies together — and before any of us.

I’ll miss him as will many of you.  But weren’t we lucky to have known him at all.


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Cherishing our children

Last week’s tragic loss of so many children has caused me to pay more attention to the children around me.  I don’t have kids, and have never paid much attention to them.  But I saw the anguish of the parents, and I have experienced anguish somewhat like their pain.  So I get it.  These families will live with this loss forever.

Driving back and forth to work I pass the small local cemetery.  I’ve noticed a little cherub on one gravestone close to the road and just lately have noticed red flowers there as well.  This past weekend I went to investigate.

Such a short life.

Such a short life.

This is the marker for what must have been twins, Amy Louise and Ann Leola Cranston, born and died on Feb 12, 1939.  Someone has left red silk roses for them.  Think about it.  Someone has been missing these two for seventy-three years.  They lived one day and have been missed and not forgotten for almost three quarters of a century.  Just think how long the children we lost on Friday will be remembered.

Forever.

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Santa’s music

Santa reviews the music

Santa reviews the music

With all the events on Friday I didn’t tell you  how our community band’s Christmas concert went.  The concert opened with a few pieces played by a local hand-bell choir.  Their soft gentle melodies soothed our souls in a way few things could.  Though I have to say during “Greensleeves” it was pretty hard not to let the tears slide down my  checks.   As our conductor said at the end of their selections; “I think they’ve taken us to the peaceful place we need to be.”

When it was our turn to play we sat up on that high school stage and looked out into that large audience, filled with families complete with grandparents and little children.   We could still feel our hearts hurting but we were also filled with resolve to salvage something of this magical time of the year.  And so we played.  Yes there were a few bumps, and  some bad moments where we lost our concentration as well as the melody, but there were also joyous moments and fun filled moments and laughs and smiles and rousing applause.

Santa came to visit us and conducted a few of the pieces.  We always enjoy him and are especially honored to have his attention at this busy time of the year.  The children in the audience could hardly wait to visit with him after the concert.

Santa rehearses the band.

Santa rehearses the band.

In the end what felt almost inappropriate as we were driving to the venue turned out to be  just right.  In the midst of overwhelming sadness we created a little bubble of joy and for a couple of hours we were reminded to enjoy our families, to share some holiday spirit, to appreciate our community, and especially to enjoy the moment because, as we all know, the moment is all we have.

Let each of your moments be filled with love, music and warmth.

And we're on!

And we’re on!


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Alcatrz musings

Alcatraz…what is there to say except that I’m glad I never lived there.  Such sadness in such an idyllic spot with views to die for.  Some did.

The cells were tiny, spare, hard.  The best ones had sunlight.  Solitary confinement cells didn’t have any light at all.  We got to go inside a solitary confinement cell while the guard shut the door with a clang.  Six or seven of us stood silent in the hot, humid total darkness.

Freedom makes a person smile.

So much tragedy here, the images are ghostly, faint, movie-like, and yet they were real.  Much is told by people that lived the story.  As one said, “Not much good came out of a stay on the rock.”

Still there were bits of beauty if you looked very carefully.  The color of a roof…

…the shape of a plant…

…the yawn of a bird.

This is an amazing place.  A place to take away lessons about resiliency and hope.

A place I won’t soon forget.


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Stary anniversary

Some of you know that when I’m out with the dog and the stars are hanging bright I look to the sky for my Mom and Dad.  For me Dad is the big dipper, Mom is Orion’s belt.  Sometimes during the year they are both there in the sky together, Dad to the north, Mom to the south.  But during the summer months Orion’s constellation swings too far south for me to see, and sometimes I can’t see the big dipper either.

I smiled this morning when Katie and I went out in the predawn hours and I saw  both constellations shining down on us.  I was glad to see them together again; it was totally appropriate.  Today is their fifty-ninth wedding anniversary.

Happy anniversary.  I miss you.

 


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Happy Birthday Janelle

This beautiful evening, the sky filled with huge puffy clouds, I traveled through small towns and farmlands to attend the 21st birthday party for a young woman named Janelle.  Her best friend from high school put together the celebration held at a restaurant in a small town owned by her father called “Janelle’s Family Restaurant.”

Her mother, father and her grandmother were there, along with other relatives and many of her friends.  There were balloons, a buffet, a cake.  But the guest of honor was not there, though her portrait hung above the fireplace.   Janelle was killed five years ago when the family car, stopped in a traffic jam caused by a semi driver up ahead, was hit from behind by another semi.  Janelle was in the back seat.  She was sixteen and an only child.

Tonight her school friends showed her parents that they have not forgotten Janelle.  Though they have moved on with their lives, some have married, had children, are in college or working, they still hold Janelle and her family in their hearts.  I found that so mature for people that would have been just children themselves when Janelle died.

Tonight there were balloons and cake.  There were hugs and stories.  And there were smiles, but the smiles were restrained.  Because Janelle wasn’t there.  I never met Janelle, don’t know what she might have done with her life if she had been allowed to live it.  But I can tell you that she has awesome friends.  And that tells me she was pretty awesome herself.

So Janelle.  If you were floating up there with those beautiful clouds tonight I hope you know what joy your friends have brought to your folks tonight and over the years.  And how much they all miss and love you.  I hope, too, that you understand when I say I wish I  never met them.  It’s not because they aren’t all pretty wonderful.  It’s because I wish with all my heart that you could have been at your 21st birthday tonight.

Happy Birthday Janelle.  And hugs to your parents.


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Time to take a deep breath

Sometimes it’s hard to avoid a downward spiral into deep sadness.   When you’re already feeling down, already witnessing great tragedy it’s so much easier to notice other sad and tragic things in the world.   Sometimes you just don’t notice the beautiful things that are happening at the same time.

So today, though I should be mowing the lawn, I think I will take the camera out into the world and see what I can find that makes me smile.  Katie says she wants to GO MOM!!  I don’t know.  It’s easier to photograph when I’m free to stop anywhere.  But still.  She’s been picking up on my sadness and probably wouldn’t mind a smile or two herself.

Pretty girl.


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Sad and angry at the same time

This morning we learned that one of our co-workers drowned over the weekend.  He sat across the aisle from me, and he and I underwrote jumbo loans, so we collaborated a lot as the program started up and we worked through the first submissions.  We bounced ideas off of each other every day, right up till last Friday.

He was twenty-eight.  A smart young man, he majored in accounting at Michigan State.  We talked about which accounting class was the most difficult for each of us.   We agreed that it was tax accounting and we laughed together at the fact that these days we spend a majority of our time pouring over people’s tax returns.  We talked about real estate a lot; and whenever one or the other of us ran across a particularly beautiful or particularly odd home we’d call the other over to take a look.  Friday afternoon I heard him tell someone that one of the only good things about underwriting jumbo loans was the opportunity to see some truly great houses.

Josh wasn’t always the most prompt employee, but he wasn’t usually more than 15 minutes late.  And he always called if he wasn’t coming in.  So after about 40 minutes when our boss had called back to see if he was in yet I began to worry.  We decided to wait another 30 minutes, then call him at home and wake him up.  We figured we’d tease him about partying too much over the weekend.  We laughed a little at the thought.

You know how you always think the worst has happened when someone doesn’t show up like normal?  And how it’s never that, there’s always some mundane reason why they aren’t where they’re supposed to be?  Well this time the worst happened.  And the world is  minus one very smart, very funny, very patient young man who will never get married, never have kids, never play golf with his brothers or fish with his Dad again.

Josh was a smart young man with a great future.  Josh was also a young man who drank too much at a party and wandered away into the dark alone.   So I’m conflicted.  Early in the morning I was devastated and sad and confused and feeling that life was unfair.  As the day progressed excruciatingly slowly, and we learned more I began to feel the first vestiges of anger.  Because this was so ridiculously stupid.  So not necessary.  So preventable.  We all know not to drink and drive.  But do people recognize they shouldn’t drink and walk?  Alone in the dark in an unfamiliar place?

I don’t know.  I’m exhausted.  I can’t fix all things that are wrong in the world.  And this is just so wrong.  On so many levels.

I’m going to miss my jumbo buddy.  He taught me a lot of good sound underwriting fundamentals.  I wish I could have taught him some good sound thought processes in other areas of his life.  All I can do now is hope he’s living in one of those grand mansions we drooled over.  And that someone can learn a lesson from the tragedy that is Josh’s final story.

Drinking until you’re stupid is life threatening.  Don’t be stupid.  Because those of us left behind – family, friends, even co-workers – just don’t know how to think about stupid when we’re so very sad on the inside.