stress | Change Is Hard

April 9, 2015
by dawnkinster 23 Comments

Need an adventure

Hey Mama!

Katie here. Mama’s busy working on that truck stuff so I figured I could get a little blog in while she wasn’t looking. Shouldn’t be hard, she doesn’t pay attention to me much anyway. She works works works and then she comes home all tired and stuff and doesn’t want to play with my pig or my cow or my elephant. I bring them to her and she doesn’t even realize until my dad tells her that I want to play. Good thing he’s around to make sure I get the attention a princess deserves.

I really want to go on an adventure with my mama, but all she will say is not now baby. Maybe the weekend baby. It’s almost summer baby and then we’ll go camping. Sure mama. Whatever.

So for now I just focus on doing my job. I let my mama know when it’s 9 at night and time to go to bed. I start huffing at her at exactly 8:48. I have to start early because, as I’ve said, she’s not paying much attention to me. I keep huffing and stomping my feet and if that doesn’t work I poke her really hard. That usually gets her attention. Then she checks the time and is usually grateful that I’ve reminded her to go to bed.

Once she gets settled in for the night I vigilantly watch over her for about 4 seconds and then I crash myself. My mama’s a big girl, she can sleep without me checking on her. Plus I need to get my beauty sleep you know.

Then sometime between 5 a.m. and 5:02 a.m. I make sure she’s up! Oh yes, I know her alarm isn’t set to go off until 6, but I’m saving her the stress of having to hurry in the morning. I can’t remember the last time that silly alarm even had to go off. She doesn’t need it. She has me!

As soon as I’m sure she’s wide awake, (sometimes I have to bark at her quite a bit to get her fully awake, and I find a good walk in the rain helps too), I go to my favorite spot, curl up and go to sleep. That way my mama can get ready for work without any interference from me. I’m thoughtful like that.

So anyway. Don’t you think she should reward me for all my hard work and take me somewhere fun? Soon? I think it would do us both good.

Yes I do.

Pay attention Mama!

February 2, 2015
by dawnkinster 25 Comments

When did it all get so scary?

Watching the snow fly.

It wasn’t so long ago that 14 inches (355.6 mm) of snow wouldn’t bother me. I lived in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan where that much snow was a regular thing. And I’ve done my share of commuting through blizzards over the years; I remember a few 4 hour drives to get home. I used to do that just because it was expected that you went to work. So you did.

Now? Not so much.

More and more people are able to work from home, hook into their work computers and be almost as, if not more, productive. So struggling with the car and the snowdrifts isn’t so normal any more. Still. Late yesterday afternoon and into the night I watched the snow pile up and worried about how I was going to get to work in the morning. I pictured the winding hilly roads I travel and imaged driving them with over a foot of snow on the ground. I strained to hear the sound of snow plows anywhere near my home, but failed to hear anything but the wind.

Driveway…early in the morning.

And this morning it was obvious that I wasn’t going anywhere, at least until I cleared the driveway of over a foot of snow. Even Katie didn’t want to go out there unless I made her a path first. Trust me I tried to get her to go without one. Complete failure.

Never mind, didn’t really need to go out anyway.

So I spent a couple of hours clearing the driveway and the road in front of my house. My two neighbors, both older men, cleared their sections of the road and helped me with mine. I began to feel guilty about not making an attempt to get to the office. But not one vehicle had been by and the people on the news said you needed 4 while drive. So I didn’t try.

Hunkered down like the juncos.

Later in the morning the sun came out, the sky was blue, the snow brilliant white. Beautiful. I felt brave and almost got in the car to head in to work. I wonder why I feel so much more brave in the bright light of sun than I do in the middle of the night’s darkness. And I wonder when I got scared to drive in the snow at all.

That’s better mama!

The news is still showing back roads covered in snow and saying you need 4 wheel drive to get out of subdivisions. A few more neighbors have plowed their portions of our road. Maybe I can get out of the subdivision tomorrow. Maybe people along the bigger side roads have plowed their own bits too. Maybe the county has done the paved roads.

Maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I can learn to relax and enjoy an unexpected day off instead of feeling guilty that I didn’t make it in.

Maybe the sun will come up tomorrow and I’ll be brave again.

Maybe this is the last snowfall of the season.

Right.

January 22, 2014
by dawnkinster 17 Comments

Musings from a long commute

Snow on the roof.

It’s still winter here. You’ve probably heard that, and it’s probably still winter where you are too. Snow, snow, snow. And it’s cold. After awhile it begins to wear a person down. Add to that stress in the form of employment, or lack of employment, depending on your situation, and it’s hard to stay motivated.

I was on my slow snowy commute this morning and thinking about the other people in the cars surrounding me, all of us creeping on slick roads toward cubicles where we’ll do some sort of work for several hours and then creep home again. It all seemed overwhelmingly sad. Then I remembered the Christmas concert CD I haven’t heard yet. Yes I know, I’m a bit behind. We played that concert the 16th of December and I’ve been too distracted since to listen to it.

Who says you can’t enjoy Christmas music in January? Stuck in traffic I turned off the radio full of grim news, forecasts of frigid cold and more snow, long reports of traffic snarls, and began to hum along with holiday music. I let it take me away, could see the music in my mind, felt my fingers playing a phantom clarinet. And then there were tears sliding now my cheeks as the sweet gentle tones of “The Holly and the Ivy” filled the car. I don’t know why. If I had to guess I’d say it was the stress of work in combination with a grueling commute coming to a head. The emotion caught me by surprise. But shortly I had to smile, because right after “Holly” was “March of the Toys” which reminded me that life marches on. So I wiped my face, grinned a bit, pulled into the parking lot and marched myself right into work. And it turned out not to be such a bad day after all.

The commute home was worse than the one going in. More snow. Icy roads. Slow. Sometimes tense. I was letting myself get stressed all over again. Then a few miles from home I came up behind a jeep. The license plate was GD2BME. It got me smiling again, and realizing that it’s true for me and for most of us. Even during a long winter filled with snow and traffic jams and below zero temperatures and long commutes and frustrating work.

Even with all that… it is GD2BME. Hope it’s GD2BYOU too.

November 9, 2013
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

Really?

You’re sending me where??!!

I don’t like you Mama

October 24, 2013
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

Scary concert

Practice practice practice!

Tuesday night was the last rehearsal before our Halloween concert. I need to practice every night. Every. Night. Last night I spent 30 minutes on a few measures of Damnation of Faust by Hector Berlioz. It’s all pretty good except for some transition triplets that, counting in two, I can’t seem to get. And it’s pretty much just us clarinets doing it…so at rehearsal it was mush. Really bad mush. I’ve written in the beats of each measure. I’ve slowed it down. I’ve counted it in four. I’ve tongued the triplets to keep track even though it’s not written that way. Sigh. I need to figure this out.

We’re also playing Vesuvius by Frank Ticheli. It’s supposed to represent a volcano. We aren’t quite there. I’ve been playing along with a recording of it for a few weeks. That helps a lot, but still this is one you have to keep counting and not get caught up in listening to anyone else. Take a moment and listen to it. It’s a pretty cool piece. If we had about 3 more weeks of practice it would work out. But the concert is next Tuesday.

And yes we’re playing some other music that we can get through with less angst. But I have to say, our concert’s title is apt. “Things that scare us.”

Cause I’m feeling plenty scared.

Fractured

September 17, 2013
by dawnkinster 20 Comments

Musings on a walk

It’s a very stressful week for me at work. There are all sorts of opportunities to work early, late, and through lunch. Today I put on my sneakers at 12:30 and walked out the door for a break even though there was much work still to be done.

I haven’t been on a walk at lunch for two weeks and my feet told me they had to readjust to the orthotics. A familiar ache immediately set in along the arch of my right foot. The breeze was cool and I wished I had brought my sweater so I picked up the pace. The foot protested.

I went past the elementary school, the first time I’ve been by since the kids are back at school, and noticed the adult charged with watching the kids standing in the middle of a swirl of spinning, shrieking, running, twirling laughing children. She was engrossed in her cell. Texting I supposed, or checking emails. It seemed early in the school year for her to be so bored with the children playing around her.

I moved on to the creek that dissects the neighborhood’s condo project. I always stand on the little bridge there for awhile, watching the water flow below me. Today it was clear and swift, full of yesterday’s rain. It’s just a little creek, but I’ve seen lots of people stop and stare down into it on their lunch walks. I wondered why people are so drawn to water.

Onward I noticed that I was still walking fast, my shoulders up around my ears. This was not turning into a restorative walk. Years ago I used to go to a restorative yoga class on Sunday mornings even though it was a 45 minute drive each way. At the end of the session, when we were all lying still, the music soft, the instructor’s voice asking us to relax each part of our bodies I used to cry. Big slow tears would leak from my closed eyes and run into my ears. I was so exhausted from the week and so grateful for the Sunday morning respite. I haven’t been back in many years. Today on my walk I consciously lowered my shoulders and took a deep breath.

At my normal busy day turn around point my body began to turn but my feet kept going. They chose to take the long way back to the office. I was a little late back from lunch. So be it.

Back at work the phone was ringing and I had voice mail. There were two instant messages waiting. And the email problem I was in the middle of solving when I stood up and walked out was still there, along with several others. Nothing was different.

Except me.

I took another deep breath and began again.

February 26, 2013
by dawnkinster 12 Comments

Unwinding rant

The latest ‘late winter storm’ is beginning today. Sleet stung the windows of my office this afternoon and then it turned to snow right at 5 p.m. Apparently everyone (including me) stood up and left our office and all the surrounding offices at the same time. It took me over 10 minutes to leave the parking lot, and another 15 to make it the two blocks to the freeway.

Once there it wasn’t much better. We cruised along at 15 mph – when we were moving. But I’m OK with that; as long as everyone is moving at the same slow speed we’re all relatively safe. So now I’m home and I’m going to unwind by talking to you.

Long commute

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about. It seems like many people at work are no longer focused on work. When I was a kid and had appendicitis (though to be fair they didn’t know it was that) in junior high they wouldn’t call my dad at work after my mom didn’t answer the home phone, because I guess, it would not have occurred to us to bother someone at work. Especially the dad. But these days I hear phone conversations all around me, people controlling from work every tiny aspect of their family’s lives. From the grandmother that gets calls from her grown daughters every single morning and often later in the day to discuss the grandchildren’s activities, health, tempers and homework, to the woman on the other side of the wall who has just moved and apparently needs to instruct her husband (I assume a grown man) how to order cable and change the utility bills into their name,who provides detailed instructions to call the paint contractors, the carpet cleaners, the dumpster guy.

Roads get worse

Is it just the age of cell phones that causes this? Or is my generation full of helicopter parents who have turned into helicopter grandparents and helicopter spouses? Is being in constant contact with everyone a good thing? Or would we live just as productive and fulfilled lives if everyone didn’t feel it imperative to update us all on every single thing that occurs during an entire workday? Would grown children grow up if they had to make a decision or two on their own? Would their children be better off if they observed their parents making decisions without going to Grandma? Or is it a good thing the parents have support at all times of the day and, I assume, the night? And what about that spouse who apparently can’t do anything without specific instructions from his wife? Did he manage to become an adult without making those kinds of decisions? Would he really be unable to get cable connected without the wife giving him the phone number and the speech he should recite?

Almost home

Come on people! How about we focus on our jobs when we’re at work? How about we let our families handle whatever is going on in their lives and learn their own lessons? How about we let the person on the other side of the cubicle wall do her job in relative peace without informing her (ok, probably not deliberately) of all details of your totally not interesting life.

Ok. I’m done now. Thanks for listening.

Home again

January 18, 2013
by dawnkinster 9 Comments

Katie here

Hello everybody!

Hey you guys! I bet you’ve been missing ME. ME ME ME ME ME ME…oh wait. I get carried away sometimes but you know it’s all about me. My Mama has been soooooo busy that I hardly ever see her. And when she comes home from work she’s usually too tired to play. But I make her play anyway. She can’t ignore me….not me! I don’t give up either. I have an endless supply of toys to drop at her feet. And while she’s at work I practice the BIG EYES and sharp whine so that I can make her crazy when she finally shows up.

Guess what? It works! And for the small fee of a few dog biscuits I can teach all of you doggies the skill set. Oh wait. You say you already have that down? Well! Doggies rule!

So anyway….Mama and I are going to do a big dog show this weekend. On Sunday we’re going to try to get our Advanced Rally title! Mama says she’s stressed again. Sigh. I don’t know why she gets like this. It’s just another day to spend watching people and doggies do stuff. I like to go to these, and when we’re in the ring I watch my Mama very carefully. If she can just read all those crazy signs correctly I promise to do what she asks. So it’s all up to her.

Me? I’m just having a good time with my Dad while my Mama is at work. And I’ve been dreaming about Mama and me going camping next spring. It’s almost spring, right? Well it should be. After all I’m the princess…and I decree it’s almost spring!

Cause it’s all about me. Yes it is.

January 1, 2013
by dawnkinster 20 Comments

Happy New Year!

I just don’t feel any affinity for 2013. The number itself seems awkward, unwieldy, just a bit off. Where 2012 appeared to be a good, strong, well rounded and full number right from the start, 2013 seems rather empty and irregular. Maybe the problem stems from the odd number itself or maybe I’m superstitious about the whole 13th of it all. I don’t know.

I was unable to stay up to see 2012 out last night. Part of that was my uncomfortable feeling about 2013 and part of it was that I was exhausted from crazy work. Mostly I just wasn’t ready to let 2012 go. I know there are many people – thousands of people – that are more than ready to move on. People who survived Sandy, people who lost family members in any number of tragedies, people who are going to graduate in 2013, get married in 2013, have a child in 2013. But me? I don’t have a specific event planed for this new year; to me it appears as a long long beige tunnel the curves away into the future. There’s no telling what’s out there waiting and it’s a bit unnerving. It feels more comfortable to cling to the known, no matter how horrific some of it was, then move on into the beige.

I know, I know. I’m responsible for colorizing my own beige world and 2013 will likely contain amazing and as yet unknown events. And I also know that as I move into the year my feelings will settle down, my camera will be busy, my dog will sill make me laugh, work will be work, and my family will love me.

I was sound asleep when 2013 arrived, Katie and I snoring away when stupid neighbors began yelling and shooting off fireworks. Katie barked and made all the crazy noise go away and we settled back to sleep. I felt detached from the excitement, ambivalent about time marching on without me. Mostly I felt annoyed. But I’ll get over it.

I wish all of you a very very happy and healthy New Year. Time to join all the thousands who are out walking and jogging and eating right because this is January 1. I’ll go for a walk, track my points today. Tomorrow? Well tomorrow is January 2 and all bets are off.

Happy New Year to all of you!

December 14, 2012
by dawnkinster 12 Comments

Concert night

Tonight is our holiday concert. We didn’t get to perform the Halloween concert last October due to the remnants of Hurricane Sandy taking out local power that night, so this will also be our season opener. I’m sort of nervous which is silly. It’s Christmas music for goodness sake. But of course, not just any Christmas music; some of it is challenging.

After an 11 hour work day yesterday I practiced for about 30 minutes last night. The ‘few measures’ I had planned on working on morphed into almost all of the works. And it wasn’t pretty. I know, I know. The worst dress rehearsal can sometimes mean the best concert.

Here’s hoping that holds true for me tonight.

Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: stress