Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Why does this happen?

Coming home from work last night I knew there was something wrong when the normal weather and traffic was interrupted for a CBS Special Report.  Who, I wondered, had died?  Turns out many people, children included.  Turns out for an Oklahoma community the world turned upside down in an instant.  Literally.

The pictures, the video, the grand scope of the devastation is overwhelming and painful to watch.  It must be even beyond that to actually experience.  I watched a mother being interviewed as first responders scrambled through the leveled elementary school behind her.  “Why does this happen?” she asked.  She couldn’t find her sister or her niece.   At that point in the evening six people were confirmed dead, two of them children.

Why does this happen?  Who can understand when terrible things happen to people?  How can we move forward when such terrible things happen so randomly.  How can we ever feel safe?  And what can we do to help those families in the throes of grief right now?

I went to bed feeling sad.  I woke with a sense of dark, heavy dread.  I knew by now the death toll would be more than six.  This morning it is twenty-four, nine of them children.  The heaviness settles deeper into my heart.

We’re expecting storms here this morning.  Very soon.  They sky is dark and heavy, reflecting the way I feel.  I ask Katie to hurry outside so that we can beat the rain.  The air is thick, the trees still.  Waiting.  Waiting.  I keep an eye on the sky, Katie keeps her nose in the air.  Things happen randomly.  You never know.  Bad things happen everywhere.

As I watch the sky two dark shapes swoop low.  I am startled and then mesmerized.   A pair of sand hill cranes flies overhead.  Very very low,  very slow, almost silent.  Instead of their usual noisy screeching they are cooing gently to each other.   I hold my breath and watch them.  They disappear behind a line of trees across the street.  Stunning.

You see?  Amidst the fear and sadness and confusion there is beauty.  And we rarely ask why.  Why did these two magnificent birds choose to fly right over my head so early on such a sad morning?  I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t have to know why these thing happen.  Maybe I just have to move ahead and live.

And send some money to the Red Cross… for Oklahoma.


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Snowing. Again.

It snowed today.  Again.  Snow doesn’t seem to mind that it’s the end of April or that we’re all beyond tired of the cold wet stuff.  That we don’t think it’s pretty anymore and no one is excited when they notice snow flakes from our office windows.

Pretty - right?!

Pretty – right?!

No this wasn’t today.  This was April 6, 2009.  Just to put today into perspective.

Still, wouldn’t it be fun to wear flip flops and walk in sunshine?

Maybe sometime soon.

Memories...

Memories…


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It’s raining here

Three killdeer

Three killdeer

I feel like I’ve moved to the Pacific Northwest.  It’s raining here.  Every day we wake up to 35 degrees (1.6 C) and mist.  Or 35 degrees and rain.   It rains off and on all day and all night.  We haven’t seen the sun in so long I’ve forgotten what it looks like.  I have faint memories of walks in the park under a warm sun, but my most recent memories of the park are walking through slush in my winter coat, wearing gloves and telling Katie to hurry up!

Today it’s overcast and 35 degrees.  The week long forecast holds a little hope of warmer temperatures but looks like rain every day.  I guess we can dream.  I have an adventure brewing that would be nicer if the temperatures were above freezing.   And if it doesn’t rain on me that would be extra special.  On the other hand all this rain could be snow, like my friends up north are experiencing. And Duluth Minnesota just got 7 inches of snow with more coming tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll just sit down and be quiet.


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I heard the red-winged sing

Daffy Daffodils

Daffy Daffodils

The weather guy forecasts more cold days, maybe even some snow for the coming week.  But I’m not discouraged.  We were momentarily in the 50’sF (10 C) on Friday and again today.  We saw a tiny bit of sun.  And repeatedly I’ve heard and seen the sand hill crane screeching across the sky.

But today I heard the red-winged blackbird sing which is proof positive that it is spring regardless of the weather guy’s prediction.  On a quick tour of the yard Katie and I found even more evidence; little bits of green poking their heads cautiously out of the mulch.

Sedum hides beneath the fall leaves.

Sedum hides beneath the fall leaves.

Brave little souls aren’t they.

Poppies poke nervously toward summer.

Poppies poke nervously toward summer.

Katie and I went looking for the snowdrops we know come up behind the house, and there they were!  Fewer this year but still blooming their little hearts out for us.

It's springtime in their hearts.

It’s springtime in their hearts.

And the clincher that it must be spring?

Almost got him!

Almost got him!

Katie chased her season’s first chipmunk up the drainpipe.

Yep, we’ll probably be roasting hotdogs on the grill any day now.

Geranium greets spring.

Geranium greets spring.


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Restless barn addition

I was restless today.  I needed to be out there doing something.  Alone.  Do you ever long for an adventure just for yourself?  The sky was blue but it was cold as mid March is want to be in Michigan.   I took the camera and left with no destination in mind.

I ended up, as I usually do, in farm country.  I didn’t find a lot that inspired me enough to want to get out of the warm car.  But I found two barns for my collection.

It's huge.

It’s huge.

These are not my family’s barns.  I really do need to do that…photograph the house and barns where my mom grew up.  But these two caught my eye among the many barns I saw today.

It's bright.

It’s bright.

My adventure was not so exciting.  But it was mine.

And that’s what counts.

Old

Old


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Happy St. Patrick’s Day

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThe weather people remind us that last year on March 17 we had 75 degrees (23.8 C).  This morning when I took Katie-girl out for her morning jaunt it was 22 degrees (-5.55 C).  What a difference a year makes.

The heat wave we experienced last March, no matter how much we enjoyed it, was a very bad thing.  Many of our farmers had no crop last summer, most of us lost trees and shrubs. Though I long for spring I will wait, albeit impatiently, until the appropriate time for warm breezes and flowers. Meanwhile — Happy St. Patrick’s Day to all of you!  Enjoy some Irish Soda Bread and some forced forsythia that Katie and I cut from a bush in the yard last Sunday.

It’s blooming in the house today.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA


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Waiting for spring

Weather people say it will reach 50 (10 C) today.  So what if it might rain a little too…we’re still excited.

It’s been a long winter and I am not alone in waiting impatiently for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Stoically waiting for spring.

Lately it seems even inanimate objects are waiting….waiting…

Lonely slide

Lonely slide

…waiting for the first soft spring breeze tinged with warmth.

But there is hope.  Yesterday on the way to doggie school I spotted a red winged blackbird preening in the top of a tree.  I haven’t heard them yet but I am sure I will today when Katie and I go to the park to play.

Missing the children

Missing the children

In fact last weekend while Katie and I were scuttling around avoiding the bitter wind I’m almost sure I heard a sandhill crane’s cry.  And earlier in the week I’m almost positive I saw two of them standing on the ice in a marshy area as I was driving to work.  I just caught them out of the corner of my eye but I’m sure those were cranes and not geese.   Almost sure.

Right now our morning backyard still has snow. (Click on photo to ‘see the light.’)

Morning sheds light on hope

Morning sheds light on hope

But we’re betting on the weather guy that this afternoon will be amazing. And we listen to Mr. Cardinal as he sings with joy.

Ode to joy

Ode to joy


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Unwinding rant

The latest ‘late winter storm’ is beginning today.  Sleet stung the windows of my office this afternoon and then it turned to snow right at 5 p.m.  Apparently everyone (including me) stood up and left our office and all the surrounding offices at the same time.  It took me over 10 minutes to leave the parking lot, and another 15 to make it the two blocks to the freeway.

Once there it wasn’t much better.  We cruised along at 15 mph – when we were moving.  But I’m OK with that; as long as everyone is moving at the same slow speed we’re all relatively safe.  So now I’m home and I’m going to unwind by talking to you.

Long commute

Long commute

Here’s something I’ve been thinking about.  It seems like many people at work are no longer focused on work.  When I was a kid and had appendicitis (though to be fair they didn’t know it was that) in junior high they wouldn’t call my dad at work after my mom didn’t answer the home phone, because I guess, it would not have occurred to us to bother someone at work.  Especially the dad. But these days I hear phone conversations all around me, people controlling from work every tiny aspect of their family’s lives.  From the grandmother that gets calls from her grown daughters every single morning and often later in the day to discuss the grandchildren’s activities, health, tempers and homework, to the woman on the other side of the wall who has just moved and apparently needs to instruct her husband (I assume a grown man) how to order cable and change the utility bills into their name,who provides detailed instructions to call the paint contractors, the carpet cleaners, the dumpster guy.

Roads get worse

Roads get worse

Is it just the age of cell phones that causes this?  Or is my generation full of helicopter parents who have turned into helicopter grandparents and helicopter spouses?  Is being in constant contact with everyone a good thing?  Or would we live just as productive and fulfilled lives if everyone didn’t feel it imperative to update us all on every single thing that occurs during an entire workday?  Would grown children grow up if they had to make a decision or two on their own?  Would their children be better off if they observed their parents making decisions without going to Grandma?   Or is it a good thing the parents have support at all times of the day and, I assume, the night?  And what about that spouse who apparently can’t do anything without specific instructions from his wife?  Did he manage to become an adult without making those kinds of decisions?  Would he really be unable to get cable connected without the wife giving him the phone number and the speech he should recite?

Almost home

Almost home

Come on people!  How about we focus on our jobs when we’re at work?  How about we let our families handle whatever is going on in their lives and learn their own lessons?  How about we let the person on the other side of the cubicle wall do her job in relative peace without informing her (ok, probably not deliberately) of all details of your totally not interesting life.

Ok.  I’m done now.  Thanks for listening.

Home again

Home again


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When music fills the air

We made it through our back to back concerts, one Friday night for family and friends and one Saturday morning at a festival of community bands.   We had a lot of fun, but it sure took a lot out of me.  I napped most of Saturday afternoon and on into the evening.  But now I”m up and awake and I can tell you all about it!

Friday night we invited the Pontiac-Waterford Big Chief Barbershop Chorus to share the stage with us.  They did about 30 minutes of music, their harmony wonderful, their voices warm, they smiles big.  I’d say the average age of the men singing was late 60’s, maybe even early 70’s and their love of music was obvious.   Our love of their work was obvious as well, as we gave them a hearty round of applause at the end.

Then we were up.

We had only three pieces of music, but they were each long.  And mostly fast.  And difficult.  For me, the sound in the auditorium was different than it ever has been before, and I felt more exposed, though I was practically hidden by a grand piano that was being played during our last piece.  Some of the work felt mushy, a little less intense than I’d heard it in rehearsal.  But the audience seemed to enjoy it – we got spirited applause from the small crowd.  And we knew we would have another chance the next morning to make the music fly.

Saturday morning we needed to be an hour or more west by 9:00 a.m.  Given we’re in Michigan we worried about the weather  and most of us left early.  Turns out it was only snowing at our destination, so the ride over was uneventful.

Soon enough we were in the warmup room trying to get settled into our music.  Just before we went on stage the director asked us to do something she asks of her 6th graders before a concert.  She asked for 30 seconds of silence.  For the kids the goal was to get them to settle down.  We used those seconds to focus, to take a breath, to settle into ourselves, and if we were inclined, to ask for a little divine support.   I think it helped us stand taller and feel more centered and less rattled as we took the stage.

It worked.  The music flowed so much clearer on Saturday morning.  The sound moved across the band; from one side to the other we were one.  Even our troublesome second piece of music sounded like music rather than warm up exercises.  Of course we had hiccups.  One was probably obvious to the audience, certainly to the judges in the back, but most only we knew about and I’m not sharing.

I’m not saying we played as professionals.  Because we’re not.  We’re just a bunch of mostly older people who love to play and are grateful to have a venue.  Being invited to play at the community band festival is the highlight of our season and just about the most fun a middle aged band member can have.

Friday night I talked with one of the  Barbershop Chorus members. His grin was wide, his enthusiasm was contagious.  He was just back from his high school reunion where he was the only one left of his old singing group.  He said he couldn’t believe, at age 77, that he was still doing something he loved so much, how lucky he felt to still be involved with music.

Amen to that sir.  Amen to that.


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There’s snow everywhere

Lake Michigan shivers.

Lake Michigan shivers.

Last weekend I drove 4 hours ‘up north’ to visit friends and see some really beautiful snow near my favorite lake.  Every time I go to Northport I feel the tug of life in the north, the extraordinary beauty there, the sense of community.  I am always sad to leave.

This weekend a bit of the northern beauty, the snow, came to me.

Backyard snow.

Backyard snow.

Today as I wake to blue skies and snow clad trees I have to say there is some extraordinary beauty right here.  I know.  I say that all the time.  But it’s true.  No matter where you are there’s something beautiful to be found.

The deck waiting for summer.

The deck waiting for summer.

Not to say that I don’t still feel that pull of Northport.  Cause I do.

But home is pretty nice too.

Home again.

Home again.