Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


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Father’s Day

Dear Dad,

I’m thinking about you today, sifting through pictures, reaching back, oh so far, for the smallest memory.  Not that I don’t think about you every day.  Both of you.

Remember all the great trips you took us on every summer?

Going on a trip!

Going on a trip!

I went camping up north a couple weeks ago.   I thought of you as I put up my spiffy modern tent alone.  Remember the big heavy green canvas tent we all camped in?  How it took forever and more than a few hands to get it up?  How it smelled like wet tent when it rained and you told us not to touch the walls or it would leak?  Remember how we used to fall exhausted into sleeping bags scratchy with sand every night after full days at the beach?  How we roasted all those marshmallows over the fire and you ate the our burned ones?  Those were the days.

I remember, too, how you could fix anything.

Changing the tire.

Polishing the fender.

I don’t know how you learned the way everything worked and how to make it work again when it broke.  But you did.  We’ve been using the tools in your workshop to fix things around the lake house.  Seems like you had one of just about everything.  And we keep finding little notes like the one written on a stud in the garage about when the driveway was last sealed or the house stained.   In fact we found the can of house stain you left for us, labeled by you, so we were able to paint that new fascia board to match.

And did you see I retired this month?  I’m not sure how you reacted to that because I’m still pretty young.

Catching some shuteye.

Catching some shuteye.

I remember when we were kids how you’d come across us sitting around somewhere and you’d ask us what we were doing.  We knew we better come up with something because if we didn’t you’d have some chore waiting.  I was thinking about that this week when I spent two whole days doing absolutely nothing.  That felt kind of uncomfortable.  I guess I was expecting you to show up and ask me what I was doing.  Napping never seemed like a good answer in those days, but I’m hoping you understand.  I’m thinking you probably do.

And remember how you used to read the Sunday comics to us, even when we were old enough to read them ourselves?

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time…

You read a lot of stuff to us, guess that’s how I turned into a reader.  And a story teller.  I wouldn’t mind hearing you tell one of your stories one more time now.  We sure laughed around the dinner table a lot growing up didn’t we?  Back then I didn’t know all families weren’t like that.  I just figured laughing until our sides hurt and the tears ran down our faces was typical at dinner tables across the country.  Turns out not to be true, but I’m glad it was that way at our house.

Remember all those family portraits we took?  How we’d gather in one spot, get ourselves all arranged, and then you’d set the timer on the camera and rush back to get into position before it went off?  How so often it wouldn’t go off at all and you’d go back to figure out why, and then it would flash?  How we used to laugh.

Oops!

Oops!

This is one of my favorite pictures.  Not because it was perfect, or we were perfect but because of the laughter.  Even though half of us were sick with the flu that day we couldn’t help but laugh because this was just so typical of us.

Anyway, I guess I could go on, turn this into a long eloquent thank you speech, but you were never so much about long speeches.  You were more about doing.   Judging from the photos and notes on Facebook (do they have Facebook in heaven?) there are an awful lot of very special dads up there with you.   I was thinking maybe you could organize a dad’s club of some kind, maybe go around and fix stuff for people.  But then again, there’s probably not a lot of stuff that needs fixing there.

So I guess you’ve earned a nap.  The best you can do is watch over all of us and give us a sign now and then that you’re around.  Maybe point us in the right direction when we’re looking for something in your workshop.

You taught us good Dad and we’re getting by, all of us, day by day.  But it sure is hard.

Love,

Your Kids

1990

1990

 

 


18 Comments

Conflicted

Beauty at the end of an ugly day.

Beauty at the end of an ugly day.

Conflicted isn’t even the right word for how I feel today.  Maybe there is no word that accurately reflects my feelings, and perhaps the feelings of a good portion of the American population today.  But I like to think I’d recognize the right word if I saw it.

I thought, for a moment, that I recognized it in President Obama’s statement when he paused and said that at some point we’d have to address how someone who wanted to do harm could so easily obtain a gun.  There was anger there, and I too felt anger.  But in an instant I knew that anger wasn’t the complete feeling.  This time the gun was obtained legally by the father and given as a gift to his son, the shooter.  I don’t know how gun control laws would have changed that.

Maybe the feeling was intense sadness.  Not personal grief, nothing like the families in Charleston are going through now, but still intense sadness.  And a feeling of familiarity because we’ve seen this before.   And it all seems so senseless, so hopeless.

Maybe that’s it; maybe what I’ve been feeling all day is a hopelessness.  There seems no solution.  The 24 hour news talks about race relations and how it’s so much worse now than it was when the President was elected in 2008.  How hate seems to be so much more blatant.

Still I circle back to the issue of guns.  I’m no proponent of guns.  I don’t have any experience with them, and frankly they scare me.  But I agree that people have a right to have a gun.   And I agree that it’s hard to tell when a person is carrying evil or craziness or a combination inside themselves.  This shooter exhibted signs, the news says, signs someone should have noticed.

Yet his father gave him a gun for his birthday.

I don’t know who is more crazy, the young man who committed the unthinkable last night, or the father who didn’t pay attention to the signs.  The combination was lethal.

We need to open a dialog about guns and mental health.  But if this country could not make progress on settling gun control or mental health issues after the 2012 massacre of more than two dozen innocent people in Sandy Hook what makes us think that we can have a relevant discussion now?  When will it be bad enough for us to recognize that we have to sit down, throw out the politics, and talk.

So I’m back to anger.  Maybe that’s what we all need to feel.  Anger that it was so easy for the shooter to get a gun, so easy for him to kill innocents.  Anger that we don’t have adequate mental health programs.  Anger that we continue to cry and rant but don’t resolve.  Anger that people’s lives are being lost while the politicians use this and other similar tragedies to support their own, preexisting stances which are bought and paid for by special interests.

Anger tinged with intense sadness, shadowed with hopelessness.  That’s what I feel as the sun sets on a long and tragic day.  How about you?  What dialog are you willing to start or become involved in?  What word accurately describes your feelings about all of this?

Let’s talk about it.


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Define retirement

 

Dogwood in morning.

Dogwood in morning.

Two weeks into retirement and I find myself continually confused.  In a good way.

I don’t wear a watch and since I’m not sitting at my desk with a computer monitor and phone, both declaring the time, I have no idea as the day progresses what time it is.

Turns out it doesn’t matter.

I go to bed when I’m sleepy and Katie-girl gets me up in the morning when she’s not, generally earlier than I’d wake on my own.  But that’s no problem, we go about her business and then go back to bed.  Or not.

It really doesn’t matter.

Peony in pink.

Peony in pink.

I don’t know what day it is either.  I suppose that will become more of a problem when I schedule appointments or volunteer for something.  Or set a deadline for a some project.

But at the moment it doesn’t matter.

Predictably, the good intentions I had for retirement — going out for a walk every morning, spending an hour a day weeding flower beds hasn’t materialized.  It’s rained you know.

Excuses, excuses.

Damp poppy

Damp poppy

But the good news is that in retirement there’s always another morning.  Nothing has to get done today, there’s time tomorrow.  And the next tomorrow.

Which still surprises me.  And leads to naps in the middle of the day.

The definition of retirement turns out to be time.

What a luxury.

Clematis center

Clematis center


25 Comments

Epic, windy, wet adventure

Our beautiful campsite!

Our beautiful campsite!

Katie here.  Mama says I’m monopolizing her blog but what’s she got to talk about anyway now that she’s retired?  Right?  Of course I’m right.  I’m a princess.

So anyway, last January mama reserved a campsite for this weekend right on the shore of Lake Michigan! It’s about five hours from home and I have to say I was an excellent traveler.  I didn’t bark at her once the whole way up there!

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First there was the planning and the packing and the loading of the car.  I was afraid she might forget to take me so I stuck really close to her.

Don't forget me mama!

Don’t forget me mama!

She didn’t forget me but she did forget my bed!  GEEZE mama!  She must be getting old.  That’s OK…I figured I’d just sleep on hers.

This is for me - - right?

This is for me – – right?

Our campsite was really beautiful, right on the shore.  Friday afternoon mama took me for a walk along the sand by the waves.  I did not like it.  Not one bit.

Not getting any closer than this mama!

Not getting any closer than this mama!

The only water I want anything to do with is the water in my bowl and it doesn’t make scarey noises like those waves did!

Since all mama’s romantic notions of walking me on the beach were dashed we went into town.  This was more like it!  I went up and down the steps of the marina no problem.  (Mama is beginning to realize I’m scamming her about not doing steps at home.)

Buy me one of these mama!

Buy me one of these mama!

I even went out on the floating docks at the marina, and the boats were rocking and squeaking and the docks were moving and I was OK with it.  Mostly.

I guess I’m more of a city kid than a beach bum.  But I did like my tent!  Every night my mama made a campfire and settled in to read her book next to it and every night I went over and pawed at the tent door.  Cause I wanted to go to bed already.  Mama just sighed and we went to bed.

Mama made me a bed out of her pillows.

Mama made me a bed out of her pillows.

Because a princess always gets what she wants.  Don’t you know.  And every morning I got my mama up around 5:00, because even though we were on vacation I didn’t shirk my responsibilities.

Time to get up mama!

Time to get up mama!

Do you know that people in campgrounds don’t get up that early?  That was cool, we had the whole place to ourselves.  We tiptoed down the road and I did my jobs and then we tiptoed back and went back to bed.  It worked out great

We had two evenings of beautiful sunsets.  Mama made me go back out on the beach to see those.  It was OK, I was sort of getting used to the waves.

Friday night

Friday night

And in the end whatever makes mama happy makes me happy.

We were supposed to be there three nights, but there were thunderstorms coming.  The clouds were low and heavy on Sunday morning.  Mama began to worry.

Mama used the 'dramatic' button on the camera to show you the clouds.

Mama used the ‘dramatic’ button on the camera to show you the clouds better.

She talked to dad on the phone and decided we’d leave early.  Of course we had to go into town to use the phone and by the time we got back it was raining.  Mama packed up the car as fast as she could.

Hurry up mama!

Hurry up mama!

Everything was soggy.  Even me!

Can't we stay mama?

Can’t we stay mama?

We were sad to leave a day early, but we are very happy that we got to go at all!

On the way home we stopped at a little park and I got to walk on a bridge over the Au Sable River.

Still raining.

Still raining.

Mama says she used to canoe on this river when she was a little girl.  It made her smile.  And I found her a beautiful flower along the river too!  Cause I love my mama.

Along the river.

Along the river.

We had a wonderful time, but I’m glad to be home.  I missed my dad a lot.  Plus it was cold, and I don’t like cold so much.  And then there were those waves.  And the sand.  And the mud.  I got wet.  I wasn’t that thrilled about the campfire either.  Hmmmm…..maybe camping in the back yard isn’t all that bad!

Anyway…I guess that’s all for now from your friend Katie – camper extraordinaire.

Kind of.

Don't like sand in my fur mama!

Don’t like sand in my fur mama!

 

 

 


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Norwood’s star

Norwood's star reminds us how wonderful the world is.

Norwood’s star reminds us how wonderful the world is.

Katie here.

You remember when I told you about Norwood last March?  He and his mom Debi used to go out every day for a run or a walk and they shared it with all of us.  Norwood was a very cool dog who had to go to the Rainbow Bridge unexpectedly and way too soon.  Mama always called him “Dude” cause he was so cool.

Photo of Dude by Debi his mom.

Photo of Dude by Debi his mom.

Well anyway, Norwood is now a bright star way up in the sky.  His mom made a lot of his friends their own stars and asked us to put them up near our favorite trails, cause he loved to run with his mom on trails through the woods and parks.  We got our star in the mail a couple of weeks ago.  It’s been sitting on the counter where mama looked at it every day, deciding where it should be hung.

I said it was a no brainer mama!  It has to go in my park!

So Wednesday we went over to my park to have a private memorial for Norwood.  Just my mama and me.  Mama told me I couldn’t call him Dude that afternoon, cause I needed to be respectful.  So I called him Mr. Dude instead.

We found a perfect spot, in a grove of cottonwood trees, where the gentle wind in the leaves makes a soothing sound, almost like waves on a beach.  We tucked it back into the trees a little bit, so Mr. Dude will have shade but still be able to watch the people and dogs that pass by on their walks.

 

Do you see Mr. N's star above me?

Do you see Mr. Dude’s star above me?

There was a little breeze and Mr. Dude’s star rocked gently.  Sometimes the sun would make it glow, sometimes it hid among the leaves.

We stood quiet a little bit and sent a prayer up to Mr. Dude to watch over his mom and the new puppy Seager.  Then Mama arranged for some songbirds to do a musical number and we walked slowly back toward the car.

Mama let me sniff as much as I wanted, no hurry she said.  And then a beautiful Monarch butterfly flew by and fluttered for a little bit right in front of mama’s face.  She says she thinks Mr. Dude sent it to say thank you.  You’re welcome Mr. Dude!   Sure was pretty.  And then the best thing of all!  A flock of ceder waxwings flew in formation right overhead!  Mama said that Mr. Dude had a perfect ending to his memorial — his very own fly over!

All in all it was a beautiful memorial to our friend Norwood.  Thanks to his mom for sending us the star.  People are putting their NorStars up in parks across the country.  If you see one on any of your adventures think of Mr. Dude.

Norwood–the dog that touched hearts around the world.  And made us all smile.

For you Mr. N

For you Mr. Dude!