I’ve written posts of celebration for other dogs. Friends’ dogs, dogs I loved, some I’d met, some I only knew online. Those posts flowed from my heart through my finger tips, past my tears and onto the screen as if by magic.
But this is my girl.
And the pain, so deep, is creating a fortress wall high and wide, filled with hidden devises ready to ignite without warning as memories explode and fade in my mind like 4th of July fireworks.
The words in my heart, aching to be set free by my finger tips, are trapped.
This is the time to celebrate Katie, to sit and remember all fifteen years, five months and twenty-three days of her extraordinary life. To relive the adventures, the funny head tilts, the squirrel alerts, the soft tummy tickles.
A week ago today you left me, baby-girl. I know it wasn’t entirely your idea, at least not the particular day and time, but you’d been telling me, subtlety, for weeks that you weren’t feeling well. So I made the decision to set you free.
Still…I wonder if I was too early, if you wanted to stick around for a little more time. You were mostly happy on Monday and Tuesday. I almost changed my mind.
Just before the vet arrived.
Still…you weren’t eating. Every day you ate less. On Sunday you ate hardly anything at all and buried your face in the cool grass when we went outside. We didn’t want you to starve. Food was always your favorite thing.
Still…I miss you so much. I don’t know how to be without you. I can’t seem to catch my breath. I know I should write a tribute to you but I can’t. Not just yet. As long as I don’t write that piece I can fool myself into thinking you’re just in the other room, or at camp.
Always waiting on her mama, she’ll wait for me across the bridge now.
I thought I’d jump on my mama’s blog real quick while she’s not paying attention and bring you up to speed on the most important Princess in your her life – me!
Mama says I shouldn’t cry wolf all the time cause people aren’t gonna believe me later on, but seriously, this past week has been a roller coaster of emotions and feelings and stomach aches for all of us here.
Me taking mama for a walk this week.
The stomach aches were mostly mine, but luckily I have meds for that!
You all know I have kidney disease, and I’m stage 4. That’s bad enough, but in the past couple weeks I’ve decided I’m not going to eat my Royal Canin food, the stuff I’ve been eating happily for months. Mama and daddy had a routine down and we all knew exactly what I was going to eat and which pills I was getting at any particular time.
We were a well oiled machine, I tell you.
One of my happy walks.
And then one morning I turned my nose up at the food in my bowl and walked away. Mama was perplexed. And it got worse. Every day I randomly decided what I would eat. And what I would not. In the beginning they coaxed me into continuing to eat my prescription food, but now days even the smell of it makes me feel nauseous.
I’ve had lots of good days.
So mom is cooking for me again. Daddy took me to the vet on Wednesday and she said I could eat whatever I wanted! I thought it was the best day in my life! Chicken! Green beans! Boiled carrots! Brown rice! Pasta! Whatever I wanted mama prepared for me!
Wednesday night it was like she was my personal chef!
I’d like to order a filet with some peanut butter on the side please.
But now I’m turning my nose up at chicken, though I still like the ground turkey. Mama made pasta for me last night and I thought that was pretty good, though she only gave me one macaroni noodle. She said she was testing to see if I’d eat it before she made a whole bunch. You see I had loved the brown rice when she first cooked it on Thursday but now I think it’s disgusting.
I’m kinda fickle.
Another walk yesterday, I was starting to feel not so good.
Yesterday morning while mama was making her oatmeal (she gets to cook for herself too!) I was looking at her intently. I wanted my piece of apple, like I get whenever she makes oatmeal. Just a tiny bit of apple, no skin. It’s my morning treat, and I’m all about routines, so I was waiting expectedly for it. She casually handed it to me, figuring I’d snap it out of her fingers like normal but I just sniffed it, then took it from her and spit it out on the floor and walked away.
Mama knew right then that something more than usual was not right.
By late afternoon I was restless and just wanted to be outside in my cool grass, so we were sitting out there a lot, but I kept moving around. I looked very sad. Daddy came out with us and I got up to move away and they were discussing giving me an extra pain pill when I started to shake.
I just want to lay here in the grass, mama.
They looked at each other and scooped me up and the next thing I know I’m in the car and I don’t feel good and mama and daddy are stressing.
So we got to the emergency vet and they don’t seem that busy and mama does the paperwork and a tech comes out to look at my gums (pale pink) and they say they will get to me. But they never did. I finally fell asleep on their nice cool floor.
I wasn’t shaking anymore and had spent most of the two hours we waited visiting with other people who all, by the way, said I was adorable and beautiful and cute.
Which of course is true.
We finally left the emergency vet place and went home where I refused to take a pain pill and everyone got frustrated and then mama said we should just go to bed and see what tomorrow would bring.
So we did.
This morning I was very lethargic, sleeping on my bed out in the living room, instead of in the bedroom with her. Mama was worried cause I was sleeping with my head hanging off the bed.
Looks like I had too much to drink last night!
She petted me and I woke up and we went to get weighed (I still weigh the same) and then she made my pills which I took no problem, and my yogurt, with my special powder in it, which I loved, and my special breakfast, of ground turkey and a little pasta and one green bean, which I ate without arguing. Though I left 4 pasta noodles, cause really? Pasta??
This morning’s walk.
And then we went for a tiny walk, just down to the corner, and I did my business and then we went out back and filled the birdfeeders like we do every morning, and now I’m settled in for a nap, waiting for breakfast #2.
Watching mama, cause she has grape jelly and I want some!
So, as you can see things are normal, at least for us, but I think you should know that I’m slowing down and not feeling as happy all the time as I used to be, and mama and daddy and I are discussing the possibility of me going on my next big adventure. Mama says I’ll have to do that one without her, though she says she and daddy will be there to see me off.
I don’t know if I want to do an adventure without her, she and I have always shared everything. But she says I’m a strong girl and that I’ll love it across that bridge once I get there cause lots of my friends are already there. She says I won’t be sad or lonely there at all.
Earlier this week when I was a happy girl.
We’ll see. I’m pretty sure I’m not going over that bridge today. I told her that too….”not today, mama, not today.” Mama smiles but her eyes are leaking and she gave me an extra hug when we were outside this morning.
Not today, mama.
I don’t really like to be hugged, but I let her this time.
There’s an older widow living across the street. I swear her adult kids must think I’m the nosiest person around. Seems like any time one or another of them pulls in to check on their mom I’m out front.
Walking my dog in her ditch. Letting Katie sniff her mailbox. Wandering in my own yard or down my driveway.
What’s going on over there?
Yep. Always out there.
Other neighbors might think the same. For example I know that the newish neighbors next door got a sofa, loveseat and big plush chair delivered a couple days ago around 7 a.m. I was walking my dog across their lawn when the truck backed into their driveway. Katie insisted on watching the guys unload the truck.
The new furniture is beige.
What are YOU doing?
The people that live three houses away haven’t been there for a very long time. The adult son is still living there, and I wonder where his folks went. He and I wave as I’m walking the dog early mornings and he’s headed to work.
Got to keep an eye on everything around here.
Next door to him is a house that just sold. I saw a steady stream of cars head down their driveway the weekend it was put on the market. I figured it would sell fast; it’s on a lake and there’s no real estate inventory around here. About 5 days later I watched as a young man in a black jeep drove slowing past me as I was walking the dog, then back up and head down the driveway. An appraiser or maybe a home inspector. The house must have sold.
Bet they got full price, or more.
If you want to keep track of things you need to sit way up high.
I knew the people on the other side of me were back from an extended trip when I saw, as I was walking the dog, the husband put the garbage out. That’s how I know when they’re home or when they’re traveling, by the garbage cans waiting to be sniffed by a little sheltie-girl.
I watch another neighbor pull out each morning, towing his work trailer behind him. He doesn’t work every day, but I’m usually walking the road with a short fuzzy furball when he does. We wave.
So I’m thinking, when Katie crosses the bridge I’m not going to know anything about what’s happening in the neighborhood! No more sitting in the front yard watching everybody’s comings and goings. No more wandering slowly up to the third driveway and turning around to sniff our way home multiple times a day.
Always note what’s above too.
No more sticking our heads in places they don’t belong. Mrs. Kravitz will fade away.
Apologies to those of you too young to know who she is. You can google her.
Guess what? The weather changed! I know that everybody thinks they have the most crazy weather around, but I’m here to say nobody beats Michigan for crazy!
My backyard just this past Monday!
As you know, last Saturday I was with my mama and our friend at a Michigan state park. It was sunny but cold and windy. Perfect.
Me just last weekend!
Then on Monday it snowed! Yes, snow. Not just a little bit either. It snowed most of the day, big wet, sticky flakes of snow that piled up.
I hope the lady doesn’t forget to put out breakfast for us!
The birds didn’t know what to think of it all.
Waiting for our hummingbirds.
But I knew exactly what we should do — we should go out and explore! So I bugged my housekeeper mama and out we went!
Mama! This is crazy good!
We had so much fun! Mama said it wouldn’t last long so we should enjoy it while it was there. She said she’d try not to grumble about it too much.
It’s crazy, but it’s fun too! Never complain about another fun day spent together, mama!
Then we got a couple days of rain. I don’t mind rain, it just gives me an excuse to be lazy and nap all day. (Not that I need an excuse, I get to do whatever I want because I’m the only royal resident around here.)
Do not interrupt the royal nap, mother!
Thursday the sun came out and mama said we shouldn’t waste a sunny day either. Especially a sunny day that was still cool enough for me to enjoy it.
I’m camouflaged, bet you can’t see me!
So off we went to one of my parks and we walked in the woods for a long time.
I’m a happy girl when I’m in the woods with mama!
Mama had her stupid camera (of course) so she was lollygagging along taking pictures of not me. I don’t know why.
Signs of spring were everywhere.
I had to wait for her all the time. But that’s not unusual. When I think about it, I’m always waiting for my mama.
Will you come ON, mama?
Waiting to go outside. Waiting to go on a walk. Waiting for an adventure. Waiting for my supper.
I’m still waiting, mama!
Well. I don’t wait for supper very long because I tell her off if I have to wait for that! Anyway, we had a wonderful time in the woods, and there’s proof of spring popping out all over!
Spring is hiding in the woods, ready to surprise us if we look!
Mama says if we just wait a bit it will probably snow again, and I wouldn’t mind that at all, but daddy says enough is enough, he’s ready to get on his big riding mower and take a spin around the yard! And mama says it’s time to clean up the gardens.
She says we have a lot of work to do out there.
Hey mama! You brought treats…right??
I don’t know who this we is that she’s referring to. She’s probably hired help or something.
I’m watching you, mama!
Of course I’ll be out there to supervise. Royal responsibilities never end. Talk later, I need to get rested up for the upcoming royal weeding.
Katie here. You knew it was going to be me, right? Cause who else do you know that loves an adventure as much as me?
This is mama’s artsy-fartsy image of me racing up a hill.
Saturday mama and I went to walk with my friend Queen Abby’s mom. You might remember that Abby got her wings in January of this year, so her mom has been a little sad. We thought maybe getting to walk together, even without the Queen, might make her feel better.
Abby would have loved this park.
I have to say it was kind of hard to be out there without Abby, but we think maybe she was with us even though she wasn’t physically pulling on the leash.
I pulled on the leash enough for both of us.
It was a perfect day for a walk!
We met at a state park I’ve never visited before, and there were a couple of trails we walked, mostly through the woods. I think I walked over a mile! It was so cold that the mamas wished they’d brought heavier clothes, but I was a happy girl, trotting up ahead of them most of the time, even up the hills!
Not going to look at you, mama!
It was such a pretty park, with winding trails and roads and it even had a campground, which of course mama had to explore.
And then we walked down near the lake. It was much windier there and I wasn’t sure about the waves blowing in. I didn’t want to stand close to them just for mama to take another picture
Don’t like those waves sneaking up from behind me!
So I didn’t.
Nope, not going to sit this close to those waves!
But I chose a spot just a little bit away from the pesky waves and let mama take one more picture.
Hurry up mama, let’s not waste any more time on silly pictures!
And then the mamas sat on a bench and talked and I took a little nap on the cement underneath. It was nice and cool and the wind ruffled my fur and I was so happy!
I wasn’t really sleeping, I was just resting my eyes.
This was the longest car ride I’ve been on since I got sick. At first I thought I was going to the vet and I was scared. But mama stopped at a rest area on the way so I could walk around and stuff. That never happens on the way to the vet, so I began to get excited.
Let’s explore up this way!
And once I was at the park and walking with the mamas I was sooooooo happy! I pranced all over that park and couldn’t stop grinning.
I smiled all day!
Thanks, mamas, for taking me on a grand adventure that was the perfect size for my status! Why, I’m still dreaming about it today!
Katie here! Mama says lots of you are anxiously awaiting my test results so I figure I should let you all know that the Vet called today. She was very very happy.
What did the vet lady say, mama?
She said while my numbers aren’t perfect, they hadn’t gotten any worse than when the blood tests were done in late February. She said I was stable and doing really well.
Well, I could have told you that!
Time to go celebrate mama! I have parks that need inspections!
I’ve been feeling my oats lately, and telling mama and daddy off if they are the least bit late for any of my six meals a day. And don’t let them even think about forgetting my bacon at 8 p.m!!*
So anyway, the vet lady said I didn’t have to go back for 3 whole months! Wow! No scary car rides, no needle sticks, no smelly offices for, well, like almost two years if we’re counting in dog math.
But on the other hand they give me treats at the vet’s office and mama doesn’t do that anymore.
Don’t call me late for dinner!
So maybe I should fake an illness….
Talk later, my dinner #2 is due in approximately 11 minutes and I need to keep a close eye on my serfs.
Chop, chop! Let’s get moving people!!
*Mama note: She gets a liquid med at 8 p.m. that tastes like bacon so we just told her it was a treat. So far she’s buying that.
Change Is Hard 