musings | Change Is Hard

June 18, 2015
by dawnkinster 18 Comments

Conflicted

Beauty at the end of an ugly day.

Conflicted isn’t even the right word for how I feel today. Maybe there is no word that accurately reflects my feelings, and perhaps the feelings of a good portion of the American population today. But I like to think I’d recognize the right word if I saw it.

I thought, for a moment, that I recognized it in President Obama’s statement when he paused and said that at some point we’d have to address how someone who wanted to do harm could so easily obtain a gun. There was anger there, and I too felt anger. But in an instant I knew that anger wasn’t the complete feeling. This time the gun was obtained legally by the father and given as a gift to his son, the shooter. I don’t know how gun control laws would have changed that.

Maybe the feeling was intense sadness. Not personal grief, nothing like the families in Charleston are going through now, but still intense sadness. And a feeling of familiarity because we’ve seen this before. And it all seems so senseless, so hopeless.

Maybe that’s it; maybe what I’ve been feeling all day is a hopelessness. There seems no solution. The 24 hour news talks about race relations and how it’s so much worse now than it was when the President was elected in 2008. How hate seems to be so much more blatant.

Still I circle back to the issue of guns. I’m no proponent of guns. I don’t have any experience with them, and frankly they scare me. But I agree that people have a right to have a gun. And I agree that it’s hard to tell when a person is carrying evil or craziness or a combination inside themselves. This shooter exhibted signs, the news says, signs someone should have noticed.

Yet his father gave him a gun for his birthday.

I don’t know who is more crazy, the young man who committed the unthinkable last night, or the father who didn’t pay attention to the signs. The combination was lethal.

We need to open a dialog about guns and mental health. But if this country could not make progress on settling gun control or mental health issues after the 2012 massacre of more than two dozen innocent people in Sandy Hook what makes us think that we can have a relevant discussion now? When will it be bad enough for us to recognize that we have to sit down, throw out the politics, and talk.

So I’m back to anger. Maybe that’s what we all need to feel. Anger that it was so easy for the shooter to get a gun, so easy for him to kill innocents. Anger that we don’t have adequate mental health programs. Anger that we continue to cry and rant but don’t resolve. Anger that people’s lives are being lost while the politicians use this and other similar tragedies to support their own, preexisting stances which are bought and paid for by special interests.

Anger tinged with intense sadness, shadowed with hopelessness. That’s what I feel as the sun sets on a long and tragic day. How about you? What dialog are you willing to start or become involved in? What word accurately describes your feelings about all of this?

Let’s talk about it.

June 13, 2015
by dawnkinster 31 Comments

Define retirement

Dogwood in morning.

Two weeks into retirement and I find myself continually confused. In a good way.

I don’t wear a watch and since I’m not sitting at my desk with a computer monitor and phone, both declaring the time, I have no idea as the day progresses what time it is.

Turns out it doesn’t matter.

I go to bed when I’m sleepy and Katie-girl gets me up in the morning when she’s not, generally earlier than I’d wake on my own. But that’s no problem, we go about her business and then go back to bed. Or not.

It really doesn’t matter.

Peony in pink.

I don’t know what day it is either. I suppose that will become more of a problem when I schedule appointments or volunteer for something. Or set a deadline for a some project.

But at the moment it doesn’t matter.

Predictably, the good intentions I had for retirement — going out for a walk every morning, spending an hour a day weeding flower beds hasn’t materialized. It’s rained you know.

Excuses, excuses.

Damp poppy

But the good news is that in retirement there’s always another morning. Nothing has to get done today, there’s time tomorrow. And the next tomorrow.

Which still surprises me. And leads to naps in the middle of the day.

The definition of retirement turns out to be time.

What a luxury.

Clematis center

May 30, 2015
by dawnkinster 37 Comments

Day one

May 29, 2015. Last day.

Yesterday was a long and short day – the last day of work. I’m almost afraid to say it, afraid of jinxing it. But it was the last day of work…

…forever.

People kept expecting me to be more excited than I appeared to be. Mostly I was carefully maneuvering through a lot of goodbyes, a lot of memories, a lot of great potluck food. Everyone else seemed more intensely excited about the event than I felt.

Mostly I just wanted the day to be done.

I don’t understand it myself. I should be happy in the New Years blowing noisemakers, wearing a silly hat, kissing strangers, reveling in confetti kind of way. But I felt more like the happy made it to the top of the mountain at sunrise on a solitary bike ride kind of way.

You know?

They made me a beautiful, cute card that made me laugh out loud. And they brought in food — breakfast and lunch! And lots of people stopped by, some people that I didn’t even know that well, to say goodbye and good luck. Shining in the eyes of many were their own hopes and dreams of retirement. Some people talked about their plans, some merely smiled and hugged wistfully.

This seems interesting mama

I am so lucky. And I know it. There’s just a small slice of life when we’re young enough to plan and execute adventures, but old enough to appreciate that we get to do them.

For me that’s now.

Today is day 1 of retirement. A college friend called me last night to offer congratulations. She says we’re too young to be retiring, it was only last week that we all lived together in the dorm. Wasn’t it? She asked me what I was going to do today, day 1. I responded that I had no idea.

And that’s the beauty of it.

Last day wearing the badge

May 28, 2015
by dawnkinster 30 Comments

Retirement practice day

Suddenly the number of days in my countdown to retirement is one; tomorrow is my last day of work. It has been forever and just an instant all at the same time.

People ask me how I feel about retiring. Isn’t it exciting? What will I do with all that time? I understand. They’ve all been dreaming, just like me, maybe just like you, about that day when they too will walk away. Maybe they’ve imagined the moment for years and yet it seems unimaginable. Far away. Unattainable. I know how that feels, and I have to say I don’t really know how to respond. It hasn’t sunk in yet. Perhaps it will next Monday morning, but if today is any indication, probably not.

You see, I have today off. I know, it’s weird, but I do.

So last night I could have stayed up as late as I wanted to but I fell asleep shortly after 8. I could have slept the dreamless sleep of a newborn, but I tossed and turned and got up with Katie at 2 a.m. unable to sleep. I worked on the blog, trying to fix the Goodreads widget that broke several months ago. I spent an hour, long after Katie had gone back to bed, tinkering and only managed to get it back on the blog sort of twice with a bunch of HTML showing. It looks like it’s in the admin sidebar twice and I can’t figure out how to delete the wrong one. I hate this stuff. I went back to bed at 3 a.m. defeated.

Which would mean Katie and I slept in. Right? Of course not right. She was up at 5:30 exactly like any other day. So we got up. I did some dishes, put away some stuff from last night, read some blogs, took a shower. Watched the news. Noticed it was only 6:30 a.m. Hmmm. Puttered around a bit more then went up to the mall to walk. I figured I could walk awhile, then look for some shorts that I can fit into when the stores open. Buying new shorts sounds oh so much more sensible than losing the weight in order to fit into last years shorts.

I got to the mall at 8, thinking that it opened for shopping at 9 and I’d walk for an hour, find some shorts, then go to the post office to buy stamps as I knew that didn’t open until 10, and then on to the library to return a book, because the library doesn’t open till 10 either. And guess what? The mall stores don’t open at 9. They open at 10 too! What is with this retirement world? Every work day for years and years I was at my desk between 7:30 and 8 working on the next big problem. But the rest of the world dilly dallies around until 10?

Huh. I’m going to have to get a new sheltie alarm, one that doesn’t go off till 8 or 9 in the morning!

I walked for awhile, around and around the mall, then got bored and went out to the car to sit and read. By the time I went back inside the mall, shortly after 10 I was no longer motivated to find anything, so of course I didn’t. Mostly I was tired and hot.

I gave up, went home to the local post office which turns out opens at 9. Great. This retired lady needs to get her facts straight. Then on to the library which was quiet without kids, so different than being there on Saturday morning. Lovely. And now home to consider what to make for dinner. And it’s barely noon.

On the whole what I’ve learned after one half day of practicing being retired is that everything is more relaxed when you don’t have to fit it into the two (or less) precious days you have free each week. I feel less worried about wasting time, more prepared to sit and do nothing. Sure there are huge gardens overrun with thistle, and laundry piling up, a kitchen that could use a bit of elbow grease, a dog that apparently needs entertaining, plans to make for travel, closets to sort, basement and garage to organize.

But I have time.

And that, essentially, is what I’m going to do with myself after tomorrow. I’m going to enjoy having time. I’ll try not to make those of you still working too jealous.

But I can’t promise. Cause it’s going to be good!

Wanna play Mama?

May 18, 2015
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

Five photos, five days #4

Once upon a time there was a little girl who watched the planes overhead and wondered where everyone was going. She imagined them landing in some exotic place like California or Arizona or Florida or Hawaii. Places away from here.

Turns out that little girl grew up to be an adult who watches planes overhead and wonders where everyone is going. And she still imagines them landing in exotic places like Paris and Rome – – or less exotic but away from here places like Kansas or South Dakota.

And even though she’s been lucky enough to see all of these places she still wishes she was on the plane or the train or just the road going somewhere away from here.

Today’s post is part of Carol’s challenge – Five photos, five days, where you post a photo and tell a story, fiction or not, maybe even poetry. And each day you nominate someone to play along. Today I nominate Lassie and Benji…sort of a two for one. Because their mom takes fun photos and I’m sure she will have some stories to tell. Not on Lassie or Benji, of course, just about Lassie and Benji!

April 25, 2015
by dawnkinster 18 Comments

Early morning musings

Katie is excited because it’s the weekend. Me? Not so much; it’s just another work day for me. So when she wakes me up extra special early, even for a work day, I roll out of bed. The sooner I get to work the sooner, in theory, I can come home.

My mind wanders as I get ready for work in the darkened house, Katie gone back to sleep on a rug in the bathroom.

Did you know that it is possible to fall asleep in the shower? That’s why they invented those benches. Far better, I’ve found, to sit down than fall down.

And when did it get so hard to put on socks? I remember standing in the middle of a room on one foot, tugging a sock onto the other without thought. Now I have to place my foot firmly on the floor and lean on the bathroom counter to get a sock on. Better that I sit down for this too.

And wandering out to the living room, turning the TV on to watch the news as I eat my whole grain cereal I notice the traffic reporter is excited. About what I wonder, thinking of my commute. Turns out she’s excited because there are no traffic backups. Of course not. It’s 4:30 a.m. And I wonder why all traffic reporters are young, blond, thin and so very chipper?

And what’s with the weather guy? Do I need a countdown on how many minutes until the sun comes up? Who really needs to know this?

Maybe I’m just grumpy that it’s Saturday and I’m making a peanut butter sandwich to take to work. The better to avoid those vending machines that call my name when I’m frustrated.

No more delay. I’ve shared my snarkiness with you.

Off to conquer my emails.

April 20, 2015
by dawnkinster 23 Comments

To love a dog

Social media. Who knew way back in 2006 when I first started blogging that I’d meet so many people. Who knew when I stumbled across a blog about an agility dog down in North Carolina that one blog would lead me to other dogs with blogs, and their wonderful owners.

The years slid by with warp speed and, inevitably, some of my favorite dogs have grown old and ill or suddenly (at least to me) moved on to their next adventures on the other side. So many dogs.

I was thinking about some of them this weekend as my friend Ellen struggles with the terminal cancer of her second ‘Merle Girl’ Boost. She lost her Tika just last month and now faces the loss of another sweetie.

It’s almost too much to bear, and they aren’t even my dogs.

Tika in 2011

I was lucky enough to meet the three of them a couple of years ago. We even got to go for a walk and I felt honored to hold Tika’s leash while Ellen took some photographs. After reading about them for so many years I felt like I was in the company of celebrities.

Boost plays with her leash

And now hearing the tragic results of Boost’s tests my heart breaks for Ellen.

I think back to all the great dogs I’ve been lucky enough to get to know, even a little bit, here on the internet. Sarah’s Misty; I cried all day the morning I read she had been set free. Most of you remember Honey the Great Dane who danced with her mom at competitions and how sad we were when she had to go. Eva’s mother Hana who left Eva when she was just a puppy, way too soon, and Dog Dad’s Deacon and Essex the collies who had to go early as well. And of course recently Katie’s Maizey and Debi’s Norwood. Heartbreaking, all of it.

There are more, so many more, and all of these losses make me very sad — but the sadness never cancels out the joyous fun of knowing them in the first place. And as Ellen herself said many years ago, if you hang out in a world filled with people and their dogs you’re going to face heartbreak. But she says, and I agree, it’s worth it.

Katie the sheltie-girl puts it succinctly. “We are only promised today, mama, let’s go to the park!”

Sharing my park with all of you.

Good advice sweetie. And while we’re there we’ll take a moment to send good thoughts out to Ellen and her Boost.

Ellen and her Merle Girls

April 4, 2015
by dawnkinster 6 Comments

Ephemeral – the one I didn’t use

In the 1980’s I traveled with my folks through the Southwest. We visited a number of national parks and monuments but at Canyon De Chey my mom purchased a refrigerator magnet, reproduced Indian petroglyphs, painted on a bit of flat brown stone. It stayed on her fridge for years as a reminder of our trip together.

After she died unexpectedly in 2004 someone in their church gave my grief stricken dad a small prism which he placed on the windowsill above the kitchen sink. When the sun shines at a certain angle a rainbow plays across the kitchen.

Now, with both of them gone, we find comfort in that rainbow when it glows in mom’s kitchen. And sometimes dad’s rainbow falls for a few brief moments on mom’s magnet, reminding us that life itself is ephemeral at best.

I wrote the above thinking I’d use it for the ephemeral photo challenge. Then I realized the photo was very much like to original challenge photo and I always like to do something different. I’m not even sure I took this photo, I think perhaps husband did on one of his trips to Alabama.

So I didn’t use it. But I like the photograph and the thoughts behind it, so I’m sharing it with you anyway.

Life is ephemeral. Now go hug someone you love.

March 7, 2015
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

Kids say it like it is

This box has no calories.

Heading out of the grocery store this morning I had my $4 ready for the girl scout cookie table waiting at the entry. It’s that season when moms and little girls wait by the chilly front doors near a table filled with overpriced snacks. Sometimes I plan my shopping for times I think there won’t be kids with big hopeful eyes selling stuff, but this morning I was on a mission.

It was early, and there was only one very young girl standing uncertainly in front of the table. She wouldn’t look at me and seemed shy, so I thought I’d engage her. As her mom smiled from behind the table I asked her:

“How much for one box of thin mints?”

The girl looked up, frowned and turned her back to me. I only realized she was pointing when she said.

“It says on the sign.”

And then she sighed.

I gave my four dollars to the embarrassed mom and scurried out of the store with my cookies.

Old people need the obvious pointed out to them.

Yes we do.

Yum

February 16, 2015
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

Just a thought.

Driving back from an appointment today, listening to news radio, I heard a piece on the dangers of TV binge watching. You know, the latest kick happening in the past couple of years of watching a whole series in one day or weekend. Sitting in front of the TV for hours at a time. The research, done by the University of Michigan, points out that binge watching is often associated with depression and can lead to obesity and heart disease similar to other bad habits including overeating.

I don’t think I’ve ever sat down and consciously watched a whole season of anything. But I do know this past snowy, cold, windy, nasty Saturday I lay on the sofa and watched several segments of “What Not to Wear” on TLC, back to back to back to…well…you know. I loved that show.

Anyway.

Right after the piece about the risks of binge TV watching was a very long advertisement read by one of the news anchors for Exfinity, a division of Comcast Cable. It was selling the app that would allow you to download all your favorite shows and movies so that you could watch anytime from anywhere even if you were offline. If you were traveling you could watch. If you were waiting somewhere you could watch. If you were bored with your dinner partner I guess you could watch.

Ironic. I wonder if program directors ever pay attention to what ads go where.

Apparently not.

Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: musings