Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: musings


by 22 Comments

Worrisome culture

Last week PJ, over on her Books in Northport blog, talked about worrying, where it comes from, whether or not we can stop.  If it does any good.  At first I thought I didn’t worry that much.  And I told her that the worst things that had ever happened to our family happened suddenly with no warning and since that time I had not worried much because I didn’t think anything worse could happen.

But now I wonder.

Is it true I don’t worry much anymore?  Or do I just not recognize it as worry because it’s such a natural process after years of…well…worry?  Is what I consider good planning just another way of worrying?  Are the lists I make before a trip actually physical proof of my worry?

When I turn away from the national news, not wanting to hear more am I really just stuffing worry back down inside?  Did the great recession reactivate worry that had been lurking in the far reaches of my mind and cause me to go back to work?  Is this really my worry, or am I shouldering a cultural worry fueled by twenty-four seven news reiterating the concerns of our nation and the entire world?

Has worry become so prevalent that I don’t even recognize it as such anymore?   Or has age softened my brain to the point that I just don’t know I’m worried?  Should I worry about this?

Maybe I’m just not a worrier.  Or maybe ignorance is bliss.


by 26 Comments

Living life big….or small?

Wonder who's going to live here?

Wonder who’s going to live here?

I commute to work every day, often driving through some very wealthy communities.  For years I’ve been watching a couple of really big houses being built even though our area was hard hit by the recession.

I’ve watched these homes go up painstakingly slowly and wondered why.  I’ve  wondered who needs so much space, wondered what all the rooms were for.

Must have lots of bedrooms.

Must have lots of bedrooms.

At the same time I’ve been reading blogs written by women living full time in RVs…some of them in very small places.  The life of living small has always intrigued me.  Many years ago I told my Mom I wanted to grow up and live in an RV full time.  She said that I’d always want some home base, and maybe that’s so, but I don’t think way back then many people were living full time in RVs; certainly it wasn’t a movement it seems to be now.

I recognize that I view life on the road with rose colored glasses and by reading  blogs I have come to realize a few of the realities of life in a fourteen foot recreational vehicle.  The dumping of tanks, the challenges of cooking, finding internet access, doing laundry.  Safety and health issues add even more levels to the discussion.

Still.  I look at the photos of miles of dessert in the front yard of a small RV, or the canyons and mountains glowing under an evening sun and my heart is tugged.

Could you do it?  Could you pare your life down to essentials…and would those essentials fit an RV life?  Or are your essentials such that you need more space?  Which would you rather live in?  The new build?  Or the little trailer in the yard?

Which provides a more interesting life?

Which provides a more interesting life?

I’m torn.  But it’s fun to dream regardless.

Lots to think about.

Lots to think about.


by 12 Comments

So tired

Have you ever been so tired that you can’t even make it to bed?  So tired your legs and feet ache, your hands tingle and your head seems to be in a fog?

That tired?

That’s where I am right now.  A long day at work followed by a long rehearsal has me sitting here wondering how I can get myself out of the chair and off to bed.  How to make myself go to sleep.

But my mind is running circles around my physical self.  Lots to do at work.  Should probably work late tomorrow night.  But have lots of music to practice too.  And the dog needs to work on heeling before class on Saturday; she can’t do that by herself.    I need to order dahlias for next summer.  I was supposed to do that in January.  Should find the order form.  We have no groceries in the house.  What will we have for dinner tomorrow?  I think I was supposed to call my college roommate last night.  Or tonight.  Can’t remember for sure.  I promised some people at work that I’d develop a self employed training unit by the end of March.  What’s today’s date?  Good I have time.  Our next concert is the end of May.  How many weeks does that give me to practice?  I really want to run another race…but I haven’t run in two (or more…how long HAS it been) years.  I should try to run one day after work this week, see how it goes.  Wonder where my running clothes are.  Haven’t seen my running watch in a long time either.  Guess I don’t really need a watch, it’s not like I’m running fast.  The guestroom needs organizing.  Probably could find my running stuff if I did that.  And I need to look for that photo of my brother and his friend as kids, I promised to send it to them.  It might even be in the guest room closet.  Should get organized.

Yep.  Should get organized.

Or go to bed.

Tired.


by 17 Comments

Can you buy a new brain at Costco?

I’m having the weirdest day.  Is ‘weirdest’ a word?  Hmmm…looks sort of, well, weird.  Anyway.

This morning as I was leaving for work I wanted to change the car radio from f.m. to a.m. so that I could listen to the traffic report but I couldn’t remember how.  I pushed the wrong button several times, confused.  Darn small buttons anyway.

When I got to work I asked one of my employees to work on a problem file and she told me she would not.  I did not react well to being told no.  I felt this red hot rage rush up my body from the soles of my feet through the top of my head until it consumed me.  I hung up on her and then took a walk to calm down.  My reaction was totally out of proportion to the infraction and  my boss had to talk me down.  Darn employees anyway.

After work my husband met me for dinner before we went to the hospital to visit Aunt V.  Some little girl in the next booth was laughing a lot and loud and I wanted to crawl over the seat and strangle her.  Totally ruined the dinner.  Darn little kids anyway.

By the time we got to the hospital I could hardly wait to get away again, as if I could not stay in my own skin.  Darn noisy, smelly hospitals anyway.

I’ve been nominated to serve on an advisory committee to monitor some truck stuff and I need to send in my resume and a couple of other documents.  I needed to get that together tonight and I couldn’t find my resume on my laptop.  Eventually we found it on the desktop computer, and husband emailed it to me.  Then I couldn’t figure out how to get it to a place I could edit it.  Then I did get it edited but couldn’t figure out how to save it.  Eventually I just sent it the way it was.  Close enough.  Darn technology anyway.

While I was looking for my resume, searching through documents stored on my laptop, I came across the rough draft of a (very) short story.  I have no recollection of writing it.  It’s pretty good.  It might have been a dream I had.  Or not.  Maybe I didn’t write it.  But how else would it be there.  It’s not like me to copy something into a document.  And there are parts of it that seem like something I might write.  But I don’t remember this story at all.  Darn memory anyway.

One of my college roommates emailed me earlier today looking for the email of another college roommate.  An hour ago I sent her  the information, cc’ing the roommate she was looking for.  I thought.  But just as I hit send I realized that the cc was actually for one of our community band librarians…whose name is not remotely similar to my college roommate.  So then I had to email her and tell her to ignore the totally confusing and irrelevant email and resend the original email to the appropriate party.  Darn it all anyway.

My brain seems to belong to someone else.  A much older and extraordinarily confused someone else.   I’d like to exchange it please for the one that really belongs to me.  Or at least for a newer model.  This one seems to be wearing out.

I’m going to bed.  I hope tomorrow makes more sense.

I have my doubts.


by 11 Comments

Don’t want to jinx it

Our community band plays a concert tomorrow night and then we’re on to the band festival Saturday morning.  We’ve had several weeks of solid rehearsals including this past Tuesday.  I don’t know when I’ve felt so prepared.

Which begs the question…good dress rehearsal…bad performance?  Of course not!  And really, Friday night IS rather like a dress rehearsal for Saturday’s event.  Still, I hope we play our hearts out tomorrow night for family and friends…and still keep some in reserve for the next morning too.

Wish us luck.  And if you’re around…7:00 Clarkston High School Friday night.  It’s free.

Resting and waiting for tomorrow.

Resting and waiting for tomorrow.


by 11 Comments

There’s snow everywhere

Lake Michigan shivers.

Lake Michigan shivers.

Last weekend I drove 4 hours ‘up north’ to visit friends and see some really beautiful snow near my favorite lake.  Every time I go to Northport I feel the tug of life in the north, the extraordinary beauty there, the sense of community.  I am always sad to leave.

This weekend a bit of the northern beauty, the snow, came to me.

Backyard snow.

Backyard snow.

Today as I wake to blue skies and snow clad trees I have to say there is some extraordinary beauty right here.  I know.  I say that all the time.  But it’s true.  No matter where you are there’s something beautiful to be found.

The deck waiting for summer.

The deck waiting for summer.

Not to say that I don’t still feel that pull of Northport.  Cause I do.

But home is pretty nice too.

Home again.

Home again.


by 21 Comments

Having a Mom moment

I was driving home from doggie school this morning when suddenly I missed my Mom so much.   I don’t know what triggered it; maybe I saw something that unconsciously reminded me of her, or perhaps I heard something on the radio.  I just don’t know.  Do you ever have moments like that out of the blue?

Mom died almost nine years ago and in the beginning I had “Mom moments” like this all the time and just about anywhere I went.  Seemed like everything reminded me of her whether I was at the grocery store or in the back yard.  You could catch me crying at the oddest things and in the strangest places.   As the years passed those overwhelming moments came less frequently and were less painful.  Mostly now I remember things about her that make me smile.

Sometimes it seems Mom gets lost in all the stuff we do for truck safety which centers around Dad and the crash that took him from us.  That work keeps Dad near the front of our minds as we work capital hill or write about truck issues from home.  We’re always describing the crash and Dad and why change is so important.  We don’t have a similar cause for what took Mom but her loss is just as keenly felt.

I remember a couple of years after they both died while having a bad moment I thought I’d just call Mom and ask  how long it took her to recover from Grandma’s death, sort of ask for a road map for parental grief.  It seemed like a good idea and made me feel better to think about talking to her.  For a moment.  Until I remembered again that the time to ask those kinds of questions was gone.

Today, years after she left, I am surprised at the intensity of my Mom moment.   I didn’t mind when it descended on me during the drive, it felt strangely nice and rather familiar to be back in the throes of grief, as if I were giving her due, her share of attention, making sure she is still included in my life.  We’re planning our next trip to Washington, so Dad is right there as usual and maybe this was a reaction to dredging up those memories again.   Or maybe it was just a random thing totally unrelated.

Or maybe, sometimes, a girl just misses her Mom.

Braun and Badger 047


by 20 Comments

Happy New Year!

I just don’t feel any affinity for 2013.  The number itself seems awkward, unwieldy, just a bit off.  Where 2012 appeared to be a good, strong, well rounded and full number right from the start, 2013 seems rather empty and irregular.  Maybe the problem stems from the odd number itself or maybe I’m superstitious about the whole 13th of it all.  I don’t know.

I was unable to stay up to see 2012 out last night.  Part of that was my uncomfortable feeling about 2013 and part of it was that I was exhausted from crazy work.  Mostly I just wasn’t ready to let 2012 go.  I know there are many people – thousands of people – that are more than ready to move on.  People who survived Sandy, people who lost family members in any number of tragedies, people who are going to graduate in 2013, get married in 2013, have a child in 2013.  But me?  I don’t have a specific event planed for this new year; to me it appears as a long long beige tunnel the curves away into the future.  There’s no telling what’s out there waiting and it’s a bit unnerving.  It feels more comfortable to cling to the known, no matter how horrific some of it was, then move on into the beige.

I know, I know.  I’m responsible for colorizing my own beige world and 2013 will likely contain amazing and as yet unknown events.   And I also know that as I move into the year my feelings will settle down, my camera will be busy, my dog will sill make me laugh, work will be work, and my family will love me.

I was sound asleep when 2013 arrived, Katie and I snoring away when stupid neighbors began yelling and shooting off fireworks.  Katie barked and made all the crazy noise go away and we settled back to sleep.  I felt detached from the excitement, ambivalent about time marching on without me.  Mostly I felt annoyed.  But I’ll get over it.

I wish all of you a very very happy and healthy New Year.  Time to join all the thousands who are out walking and jogging and eating right because this is January 1.  I’ll go for a walk, track my points today.  Tomorrow?  Well tomorrow is January 2 and all bets are off.

Happy New Year to all of you!

Imported Photos 01164


by 26 Comments

It finally happened

My husband and I went to see the movie “Lincoln” last weekend.  Which was, by the way, incredible.  I checked online before we left to find when and where it was playing and noted tickets were $8.  I guess not so much, but I remember when…..ah well.  I digress.

We stopped at a nearby restaurant and had dinner before the show.  We dawdled.  Talked.  But still we were an hour early for the movie.  So after we got our tickets and the requisite popcorn we sat in a couple chairs in the lobby and people watched.  I was just fiddling around with the tickets when I noticed this:

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERADo you see it?  Right in the middle of the ticket.  Under the date.  First I noticed the price…$6.50.  Hmmm…maybe we were getting a matinee price.  But it wasn’t afternoon.  Then I saw it.

SENIOR

Really?  REALLY!?  We hadn’t asked for a senior price.  The guy at the ticket counter just looked at us and made the decision to give us a break.  We must look old.  I tried not to feel indignant and held myself back from marching over there and demanding to pay more money.  I stared at the ticket for a bit more, than showed it to my husband.

“Cool,” he said.  Hmmmmm…he has a point.

But we are not old.  Not by a long shot.  No way.

Imported Photos 01376 (Small)


by 30 Comments

Your ‘one place’

I was wandering around in blog-land -you know how that goes – you check someone’s blog, and they talk about another blog and you go there, and then over there, and the next thing you know you’ve found something interesting that makes you stop and think.   That’s what happened tonight.  It was an old blog entry I ended up visiting; a guy writing about traveling to your ‘one place,’   a place you’ve never been but would like to see before you die.  Sort of a one bucket bucket list.

You all know how much I love to travel, how I yearn for travel when I’m trapped in my beige cubicle, how I believe I was born a nomad.  So this concept intrigues me.  He writes about putting together a plan to see your ‘one place’ and his plan makes sense to me…take it in small steps and you’re very likely to make your dream come true.

So.  Where would my ‘one place’ be?  I’m thinking about it.  Where in the whole world would I really like to visit, somewhere I’ve never been, somewhere I wouldn’t likely go unless I actively planned?  I’m struggling with this, which surprises me.  For someone who wants to go go go it seems odd that I can’t put my finger on my very own one place.

Where would your one place be?

Northport 2008 253