Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Category Archives: Uncategorized


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Who is that old lady?

You know how when you’re talking to an old lady you often have to slow down and explain stuff to her?  Or help her figure out some new thing?  Or maybe drive more slowly as you come up behind her because her turn signal is on and you’re not sure if she’s really going to turn.  Or not?  I hope you were kind, didn’t roll your eyes.  I hope you were patient.  Because I think that old lady might have been me.

I’ve been watching me at work lately.  And I’ve been watching them.  Those of you my age will know the them of which I speak.  They are all tall and thin, wearing sharp suits.  With short skirts and very high heels or tightly knotted ties, sharply creased trousers and shiny shoes.  They hurry to meetings in pairs or groups carrying their half open laptops and talking seriously about IMPORTANT THINGS that will have IMPACT in their departments and across the company.  They are intense.  They are young.  I squish over to the wall as they swish by, move aside as they come crashing down the stairwell, heels clicking, as I am slogging up in my heavy snow jacket, hat, worn out but warm mittens, boots, steamed over glasses.  I don’t think they even see me.

They are in my department too, noticing when I do things in a slow methodical way on my computer.  Noticing when toolbars are appearing that don’t need to be, when I open things in a less than efficient manner.  They show me, patiently, how to do things faster, cleaner, BETTER.   I add those bits of knowledge to my brain hoping something else as or more important doesn’t fall out.  I polish my smudged glasses and continue on as I was because I know how to do things my way and it all gets done.  Doesn’t it?

These days I catch a glimpse of me walking the halls at work and see someone who is a lot older than I thought I was.  It’s a jolt every time.  But I see me in the young people rushing about enthusiastically too.  They remind me of me just a few moments ago.  Or was it years.  Well never mind, my memory is slipping.  More and more frequently I realize that the old lady I see on the street and smile at is me.

I hope I can be patient with her.


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You’d be 85

Today is Dad’s 85th birthday.  It seems something of a milestone, one that shouldn’t be forgotten, though I can’t imagine him at 85.  I suppose he would have been similar to the Dad I knew at 75, maybe with a few more wrinkles, but the same twinkling eyes, the same stories, the same advice.

Dad and his little sister

Dad and his little sister

I can’t send him a card through snail mail, can’t email him or give him a call.  I can’t even text him, but then  he wouldn’t know what that was anyway.  On the other hand…if he were still here I bet he’d have the latest smart phone because the whole information at your fingertips phenomenon would have fascinate him.  Though I wonder if he would have sprung for the expense of having internet available 24/7.  No, I think maybe instead he’d have been content to be in his boat, watching the sun set, floating in the warm water of his lake.  Sure he’d check his messages when he got back to the house, but I don’t think that smart phone would have been used much on the boat.

In his canoe.

In his canoe.

The little boy who loved the water, grew up on the river, and took my Mom for a canoe ride on their first date, grew up to be a father of four kids who got to grow up on a lake and spent many summers canoeing there and on rivers.  We got to camp in National Parks across the country and see things lots of kids never did.  We got to sit around the dinner table laughing until our stomachs hurt and tears ran down our faces.  We got to ride bikes to town and climb trees in the woods and go water skiing after work.  We got to have a dog named Sam and guinea pigs named Barney and ride the lawnmower and plant a huge garden.  We got to go to college and grow up and live in nice places.

Most of that is due to having a Dad who was responsible and supportive.  And who loved us unconditionally.

So thank you Dad.  And Happy Birthday.

I hope you get this birthday card and know we all love you and miss you.

Forever.

Dad 044


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Weekly Photo Challenge: Object

This week the WordPress photo challenge is Object.  You’d think that would be easy.  Just take a quick shot of something..anything…right?  All things are objects.  Still.  It should be more than that – maybe something that represents your part of the world, a photo that is intriguing, interesting.  That makes the challenge, well, challenging.

During my drive to doggie school yesterday I saw a couple of things that might fit the challenge, but the weather was so bad there was no place to safely stop.  I’ve kept those items in mind for a day when the snow is not blowing sideways, the roads not so slick with slush.  You may see some of them yet.

In the end, for this challenge, I looked no further than my own driveway where the truck was parked covered in the latest snowfall.  Such interesting shapes revealed themselves that I had to see whether or not the camera saw it the same way.

Rear view mirror and defining windsheild edge.

Rear view mirror

And because I couldn’t decide which photo I liked better, I’ll give you another.

Blinker

Blinker

We are pretty tired of snow here.  Sure it’s beautiful, but it was more beautiful in December.  Now it’s just work.  And cold.

Going nowhere.

Going nowhere.

There are so many objects  to focus on for a photo study.  Look around your house.  You don’t have to go on a grand adventure to find something interesting.  I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with.  As usual, here’s a few of my favorites of those already submitted.  Just click on any of the links.  Or you can click on the word Object at the top and go to the original post and look at lots more!

Enjoy!


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Black and white

Morning light

Morning light

I glanced out the window this early morning, a break from reading emails and blog posts, and realized the world outside looked black and white.

Before the day’s light brightens up the yard it was a study in bare trees and snow cover.  For a moment everything seemed so simple, obvious.  Black or white.

But as it does every day, the light changes and colors become more visible and nothing turns out to be either totally black or totally white.

And isn’t that a good thing.

Morning watch

Morning watch


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How you doing Girlfriend?

She wasn’t my BFF.  We weren’t childhood friends, I didn’t go to school with her, never ran a race, took a class, or joined a book club with her.  I didn’t know all the personal details of her life, never went out for a drink or hung out on weekends with her.  But she was a friend.  We saw each other in the halls at work, ran into each other in the ladies room.  We stood and talked, long conversations about life, family, choices.  We picked each other up when we were having a bad day.  At the very least we smiled and waved as we scurried about our work.  She cared when my parents died.  I cared when her marriage was over.  She’d greet me with “How you doing Girlfriend?” and a smile.  Sometimes I’d tell her how I was doing, sometimes not.  But I was always glad she asked.

I wasn’t unique in my relationship with her.  She was everyone’s Mom at work.  She was where people went for an aspirin or advice.  Where people went when they needed a break from the work grind, to talk about her grand-kids and admire their photos on her cubicle wall.  To laugh.  To commiserate.  To recharge. She wore socks decorated with jingle bells during the holidays every year and we all smiled when we heard her walk by; she was the epitome of Christmas spirit, our own Christmas elf.

And when she didn’t feel well this winter we all cared.  When she was gone from work awhile we all asked about her.  “Not good” I was told when I asked her boss early in January.  He was going to see her that weekend so I said I’d write her a note for him to deliver.  The next day, giving him the note I heard more; it was more serious than I realized and I knew my note was inappropriate.  I rewrote it that night, changed it from a cheery couple of lines to a two page letter telling her how much I enjoyed our conversations, how grateful I was that we were friends, how I would miss hearing those jingle bell socks as she went by during the holidays.  I gave her my home phone number and my personal email in case she needed another long conversation.

I never heard from her.  She died Thursday night – we heard the news at work Friday morning.  Devastated does not begin to describe my sorrow.  Our collective sorrow.

She was a little person, probably not five foot tall, with a heart as big as the sky.  I can hear her voice in my head, I see her walking the halls at work.  I strain to hear those bells.   I tried to remember the last time I saw her, talked to her.  She used to send me emails about jumbo loans that had to be underwritten in my area but had been sent in error to her department.  When it was busy I was never happy to see her emails and we used to kid about her sending me the work.  My last email from her was Christmas Eve.

Her:  “Happy Holidays.   I have just moved 3 files to your new deal
queue…    Thanks”

Me:  “Thanks.  no more gifts now….we don’t deserve them!  🙂 ”

Her:  “Oh, but my friend, you DO deserve gifts!! ….the best that ever were 🙂
OK–no more gifts today–just a wish for a blessed, happy Christmas & New
Year.”

Friday as I sat stunned in my cubicle I idly typed her name into  email.  I know it’s silly but I just wanted to say goodbye.  I sat and stared at her name.  Remembering.  Trying not to cry.  Listening to her voice in my head.  Then I typed one line…”I’m going to miss you girlfriend.”  I paused, then hit the send button.  I got an auto reply:   “I am out of the office until 3/3/14.”

Somewhere a short little lady is visiting with friends and family that have gone before.  Her socks are jingling, her smile is wide, her face glows.   Those of us left here are hurting, but were we ever lucky to have had her while we did.

So…you go girl, enjoy your next adventure.  I wish it could have been the retirement we talked about, dreamed of.  I wish you had had more time here.  And I’m hoping this is the biggest, best adventure of all.

But I’m sure going to miss you girlfriend.  Yes I am.


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Yearning

You remember summer don’t you?  Remember what it smelled like?  How the heat warmed your face when you looked up into the sky?  The sound of frogs chattering in the evenings?  I’m missing summer.  So much.

Snowy road

Snowy road

And it’s not like we’re done with winter yet.  Not nearly.  I understand feeling this way in February when there are dashed hopes of little green bits poking their way up out of the snow.  Or the mud.  I’m used to being frustrated as snow squalls fly in March and sad when the last ice storm bends our trees in April.  But today it’s still only January, and we have such a very long way to go.  I miss summer.  I want to go camping with my Katie-girl.  I want to spend a warm humid night listening to deer crash around in the woods.  I want to wander under the stars without wearing 16 layers of heat trapping wool.  I want to roast marshmallows.

I even want to swat a mosquito.

I’ve begun to think about camping in a real campground, perhaps in a state park, somewhere further away from home this summer.  I search the internet and investigate parks, what they have to offer, what the sites are like and I realize I will have to reserve a spot soon in order to camp on a weekend.  I guess I’ll randomly choose a park and a date and hope it doesn’t turn out to be a stormy weekend.

Summertime camping!

Summertime camping!

So which park do you all think I should choose?  I’ve thought about Hartwick Pines, about 4 hours north, which has trails to walk on.  Or maybe I should try to camp at a park on a lake, maybe even a Great Lake?  Of course there are state parks closer to home, one a couple of exits up the road.  Still…it’s just as much about the travel as it is the final destination.

You know Katie is always up for an adventure.  I can’t even  say the word ‘camping’ right now because she gets all excited and when we don’t go right away she is so disappointed.  But I’m sure she’s pining for a little outdoor fun too.  As I’ve said it’s been a long winter.

Did I just hear a mosquito?  Darn.  It was only in my dreams.

Snow!

Snow!


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Wide weekend spectrum

Aunt and the UM bell tower

Aunt and the UM bell tower

It’s Monday night and I’m just finding time to tell you about our weekend.  I seem to be perpetually behind.  Obviously I’m spending way too much time at work.  Yea, that’s it.

Saturday evening husband and I attended the University of Michigan’s Collage Concert.  You’re heard me talk about these concert in past years.  It’s bits and pieces of symphony, band, small groups, soloists, dancers and actors who perform one after the next, each in their own spotlight, the light bouncing from one side of the stage to the other, then focusing on the larger groups, and back to individuals.

Lots of talent

Lots of talent

Every person was playing, singing, dancing or acting their hearts out.  Each gave their art their absolute best.  The combination was fast paced, magical and eclectic.  It’s wonderful.  Where else could we hear an alto saxophone solo playing the contemporary “The Brass Violin“ by Creviston, transitioning into a chamber choir singing “Ubi caritas“ by Mealor (sung at the royal wedding in 2011).  I give you these two examples just to show you how divergent the works were that we enjoyed.

We heard bits of an oboe sole accompanied by a soundtrack of a poem complete with the sounds of birds, a jazz ensemble playing music that had us all tapping our toes and nodding our heads, followed by six men playing classical bassoon while wearing glittery jester hats, followed by 4 trombones playing a crazy contemporary piece followed by the soft tones of the chamber choir again.

Pretty details

Pretty details

It keep us engaged.  It kept us looking excitedly for the next spotlight.  Where else could we have ever hear a full symphony play a version of “Rhapsody in Blue” woven delicately with the University of Michigan fight song?  I ask you where?  Only in Ann Arbor.

It was fun.  It was crazy.  It was beautiful.  And I was more than a little sad when the symphony began the familiar strains of Ravel’s “Bolero” because I knew that was the last piece.  I’ve said it before, but it is truly amazing to witness that much talent all on one stage, all in one night.

We drove home in a lull between snowstorms happy and tired.  We fell into bed late, anticipating a slow lazy Sunday morning.  We did not factor in Katie.

Playing!

Playing!

Katie woke me up at 5 a.m.  She had to go out.  I did the usual “GO LAY DOWN!” She did not.  Though I tried again, in the end I got up and we went outside so she could pee.  Shortly after coming back inside, with me back under the warm covers she asked to go out.  Again.  I got up  and we went back out.  Again.  And again a few minutes later…and again…and again.  I went out with her 11 times in 4 hours.

Eventually even I had to realize this was not normal and I got a few samples for the vet.  We took her to the local emergency after hours vet (because why would this occur during regular vet hours?) along with her samples.

They took her in the back to weigh her and try for a more sterile sample…and then we waited.  Katie waited in her Dad’s lap where she is most comfortable when she is in a scary place.

Sleepy little sick girl

Sleepy little sick girl

She was so tired and stressed she fell asleep in his lap.  I wished I could do the same.  Shortly the results were back…she has a urinary tract infection.  We got her meds, paid the $300+ bill, and headed home.

She settled in at home as if just going to the vet made her feel better.  She got her first pill and seemed to be as good as new, though that doesn’t seem possible.  She got her second pill late Sunday night and slept through the night.  Today she seems pretty much her normal self.  So I’m happy we didn’t wait till normal office hours today since she got relief so fast.

Still…it was a crazy weekend and I woke today sorely wishing it was a 3 day weekend.  Katie says she wouldn’t have minded another day with everyone home either.  But she’ll wait till next weekend to go to the park..given it’s stinking cold here…record lows predicted for tomorrow.

I sure wish we could all stay home and be nice and warm tomorrow!

Snowy

Snowy


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Weekly Photo Challenge: Juxtaposition

This week amid record snowfall, wind and excruciating cold I have been wistful for warmth.  I’ve been dreaming of Florida beaches, remembering the smell of orange blossoms, longing for the feel of sun on my shoulders, and squinting up into reeling snowflakes to look for any sign of our own, long missing, sun overhead.  So when I saw this week’s photo challenge, juxtaposition, I immediately connected the heat of a Florida orchard with the snow blowing past my window.

And came up with this:

cuties fixed

It’s still snowing today.  What was once beautiful is now viewed as something to get through.  I know spring is not that far away…but from where I sit right now it feels like an interminable, never ending struggle.

I look forward to checking out other photographers’ version of juxtaposition.  You could have all sorts of fun with this topic.  It should be a great diversion from focusing on the weather.  Give it a try!  You have till next Friday to post your own juxtaposition composition.  If you click on any of the links in this paragraph you’ll see a few of my favorites from this week.

I hope you go out and find something that shouts juxtaposition to you, I can’t wait to see it!