Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.


20 Comments

Visiting Aunt V

Sunday afternoon we all visited husband’s Aunt V.  She’s 97 now and doesn’t get out much unless it’s to visit a doctor.

Yes she's really 97.

Yes she’s really 97.

She was excited to see my sister.

We talked a bit about her last stay in a rehab facility and how glad she is to be home again.  She mentioned that she had called me and I hadn’t called her back.

“Did you leave a message?” I asked.

“No” she said.  Doesn’t your phone tell you that I called?

“Only if I look,” I say…’and I rarely look.”

She thought that was funny.

She thought that was funny.

Husband gets out his smart phone and shows his Aunt.  “She has one just like this,” he says, “But she’s not very good at using it.”

“Look,” he says, “I can post photos of the family on my Facebook page.

Looking at family photos

Looking at family photos

Then he shows her photos of her parents on their wedding day, his sister as a baby, groups of people from years ago.  She recognizes many of them, hadn’t seen some of the pictures before, hadn’t seen others in many years.

At the end of the pictures she grins and said, “That thing is pretty good!”

She’s more in tune with technology than I am.  Guess I’ll have to check my phone more often.

The girls.

The girls.


14 Comments

Katie’s excellent day

Katie here.  Guess what?  My Aunt B came to visit me!   First thing we did (after I sniffed her a bunch and approved her) was go out in the back yard to play!  (Mama says you can click on the photos to see more details.)

This is my tunnel.  But I'll share.

This is my tunnel. But I’ll share.

They got my tunnel out!  I haven’t seen it in two years!  I got my Aunt to go through it first, just to prove she could.  But after that it was all me!

This is my Aunt showing me how it's done.

This is my Aunt showing me how it’s done.

I remembered all about the tunnel.  Mostly I remembered that if I ran through it when my Mama yelled “TUNNEL!” I got a treat.  So I ran really fast.

Then you know what they got out?  My CHUTE!!  Heck I haven’t seen that in like forever!  And I wasn’t scared at all.  Nope, not me.  I ran through it right away and then every time they said “CHUTE!”  I ran through it again.

Here I come!

Here I come!

Then I got hot and ran through it and then ran over under a tree and laid down.  I was done!

I love this game!

I love this game!

No more playing for me today!  I need some serious ear scratching and tummy tickling and I know just the Aunt to do it too!

Aren't I cute?

Aren’t I cute?

See you guys later….we’re going to school tomorrow and my Aunt is coming along to see how spectacular I am.

Smile!

Smile!

But for now I just can’t stop grinning!


13 Comments

A visitor is coming!

My sister is coming to visit us!

She's certainly visited since this was taken!

She’s certainly visited since this was taken!

She hasn’t been here in many years.  Katie was just a youngster during her last visit.

Katie and her Aunt long ago.

Katie and her Aunt long ago.

Katie is waiting impatiently.

I find my self doing something my mother used to do when she was preparing for a visit from us northerners.  I always seemed to arrive just after the azaleas were in full bloom.  Or after the dogwood or wisteria was finished for the season.  She always told me how beautiful they were and I tried to imagine it.

Today as I was weeding I wondered if our Koosa dogwood would still be in bloom when she arrives.

Prettiest this tree has ever been.

Prettiest this tree has ever been.

Will the clematis still be as spectacular?

Pretty in purple

Pretty in purple

Maybe the poppies will be opening.

Getting ready to burst!

Getting ready to burst!

Hopefully the begonias will still be beautifully orange.  She says orange reminds her of Mom who had an orange front door and when we were kids an orange kitchen sink.   I hadn’t thought of that when I picked them out for our front entry.  But I think of Mom frequently as I come and go now.

Remembrance orange

Remembrance orange

Katie says I should stop worrying about what will be blooming.  She says whatever is blooming we’ll all have a great time together.  Katie has all sorts of plans for things to do with her Aunt.  She can’t wait.

I'm waiting.....

I’m waiting…..

Me either.

Hey Mom

Hey Mom


14 Comments

River of hope

Lincoln Monument from the river.

Lincoln Monument from the river.

Today was the first day of the Sorrow to Strength conference here in DC.  We met in a conference room of the hotel and got to know each other a little bit, then listened to a media specialist give advice on handling reporters and doing interviews.  She reminds us that we don’t have to be experts on statistics and safety issues, that all we need to do is tell our stories and stay focused on our message.   Good advice.  We’re just regular people not used to press reporters or television cameras.  I was thinking that we should all watch politicians and learn from them;  they never seem to answer the questions asked of them, and they always stay on task with their preplanned message.

Later in the day we heard from a grief specialist, Kathleen O’Hara.  I feel a connection to Kathleen because my sister found her book several years ago and that’s how she came to work with the Truck Safety group.  We are lucky to have her.  She works with new families and helps them get set up with local grief counseling  She was amazing.  She talked about how grief changes over the years and where to find sources of strength, both from within ourselves and from outside.

Kathleen on the boat.

Kathleen on the boat.

At the end of the day the whole group walked over to Georgetown and took a sunset river cruise.  We held a remembrance ceremony on the boat, where people told stories about their lost loved ones and we laughed and cried.  We were each given a paper boat and Kathleen told us to think about our person, make a wish and let the little boats drift free down the river.  It was a beautiful and unspeakably sad moment.

Dad's little orange boat.

Dad’s little orange boat.

Dad was a water person, he grew up on the Huron River and lived on or near water all his life.  He and Mom went out on the lake often in the evenings to watch the sun set.  The neighbors tell us that after she died he went out in the boat alone every night at sunset.  So I felt a special connection with Dad tonight as we floated on the Potomac…as I watch my little paper boat float away.

Today was good.  Kathleen reminds us to see the good in what we have left, to not dwell entirely on what we lost.  Today I am reminded that I have a lot of good left…and the people at this conference are some of the very best of my life.

Hugs to all of them.  May we always have the support of each other as we float down this river of hope toward our new tomorrows.

Georgetown at night.

Georgetown at night.


15 Comments

A mid-century girl

I woke up this morning to NPR talking about mass transit for Los Angles.  They were talking about the packed roads, the long commutes and what it would take to change the culture as well as the infrastructure to incorporate mass transit.  They ended the piece by saying there would be mass transit construction projects well into the middle of the century.

Laying there in bed contemplating that I realized the probability that I’d still be around at mid century were slim.  And here these people were talking about something that hadn’t sounded all that far away.  This realization has struck me more and more frequently lately.  Not many weeks ago there was another news story, I forget what it was about, perhaps the exploration of Mars, when I suddenly realized I wouldn’t witness the event.  It’s an odd feeling.

Which brings me to an update on Aunt V who is 97.  She’s home again after her latest stay at a rehab facility.  This one was nice; clean, she had her own room, her own bathroom and she liked the physical therapy.  But she wanted to be home, and home she is again.  She’s determined to get stronger so she will.  She’s like that.

But I wonder what it’s like at 97 when you listen to the news and realize you have so little time ahead of you and so much time behind.  Do you sit overwhelmed by the memories?  Are you still interested in what will happen in the future?  Or are you just waiting when you get to this stage of life?

It’s a puzzle we each get to work out if we’re lucky – how to fit all the pieces of our lives together to get the most out of each.  How to stay engaged when things change.   Maybe the answer is to just live and not worry about any of it.

Maybe that’s the answer.


23 Comments

Update on Aunt V.

Aunt Vi Uncle Warren 2010 005 (Small)We stopped in at the rehab facility where husband’s Aunt is doing physical therapy after her latest fall.  She cracked the same hip she broke in 2001.  She’s ninety-seven now and too old for surgery, so they’re doing rehab and letting nature heal the hip.

She’s been at the facility for about four weeks now.  It’s brand new, clean and she has her own room, so it’s light years ahead of the place she was in a couple years ago after surgery.  She seems content here and is in less of a hurry to go home, knowing that she’ll get more therapy here than she will with a home visiting therapist a couple of times a week.  She can’t walk without help yet, so that is her main goal.

She was very spirited tonight, talkative, fully engaged.  Other than the walking thing she’s back 100%.  She is amazing.  She talked about the rehab facilities, saying they have a machine for everything, and she particularly likes riding the bike.  Really.  Riding the bike?  She says it’s just like going to the gym and working out.  Not that I can imagine Aunt V actually going to a gym and working out.  But still….amazing.

So we shall see where all this leads.  At the beginning I really didn’t think she’d be going home.  Statistically cracking a hip at 97 is not a good thing.  But once again she has proven me wrong.  You’d think I’d learn to never underestimate her.

The photo above is from a couple of years ago.  She’d kill me if I took a picture of her right now as she hasn’t been able to do her hair.   The picture below is from her 97th birthday last September.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA


12 Comments

So tired

Have you ever been so tired that you can’t even make it to bed?  So tired your legs and feet ache, your hands tingle and your head seems to be in a fog?

That tired?

That’s where I am right now.  A long day at work followed by a long rehearsal has me sitting here wondering how I can get myself out of the chair and off to bed.  How to make myself go to sleep.

But my mind is running circles around my physical self.  Lots to do at work.  Should probably work late tomorrow night.  But have lots of music to practice too.  And the dog needs to work on heeling before class on Saturday; she can’t do that by herself.    I need to order dahlias for next summer.  I was supposed to do that in January.  Should find the order form.  We have no groceries in the house.  What will we have for dinner tomorrow?  I think I was supposed to call my college roommate last night.  Or tonight.  Can’t remember for sure.  I promised some people at work that I’d develop a self employed training unit by the end of March.  What’s today’s date?  Good I have time.  Our next concert is the end of May.  How many weeks does that give me to practice?  I really want to run another race…but I haven’t run in two (or more…how long HAS it been) years.  I should try to run one day after work this week, see how it goes.  Wonder where my running clothes are.  Haven’t seen my running watch in a long time either.  Guess I don’t really need a watch, it’s not like I’m running fast.  The guestroom needs organizing.  Probably could find my running stuff if I did that.  And I need to look for that photo of my brother and his friend as kids, I promised to send it to them.  It might even be in the guest room closet.  Should get organized.

Yep.  Should get organized.

Or go to bed.

Tired.


21 Comments

Having a Mom moment

I was driving home from doggie school this morning when suddenly I missed my Mom so much.   I don’t know what triggered it; maybe I saw something that unconsciously reminded me of her, or perhaps I heard something on the radio.  I just don’t know.  Do you ever have moments like that out of the blue?

Mom died almost nine years ago and in the beginning I had “Mom moments” like this all the time and just about anywhere I went.  Seemed like everything reminded me of her whether I was at the grocery store or in the back yard.  You could catch me crying at the oddest things and in the strangest places.   As the years passed those overwhelming moments came less frequently and were less painful.  Mostly now I remember things about her that make me smile.

Sometimes it seems Mom gets lost in all the stuff we do for truck safety which centers around Dad and the crash that took him from us.  That work keeps Dad near the front of our minds as we work capital hill or write about truck issues from home.  We’re always describing the crash and Dad and why change is so important.  We don’t have a similar cause for what took Mom but her loss is just as keenly felt.

I remember a couple of years after they both died while having a bad moment I thought I’d just call Mom and ask  how long it took her to recover from Grandma’s death, sort of ask for a road map for parental grief.  It seemed like a good idea and made me feel better to think about talking to her.  For a moment.  Until I remembered again that the time to ask those kinds of questions was gone.

Today, years after she left, I am surprised at the intensity of my Mom moment.   I didn’t mind when it descended on me during the drive, it felt strangely nice and rather familiar to be back in the throes of grief, as if I were giving her due, her share of attention, making sure she is still included in my life.  We’re planning our next trip to Washington, so Dad is right there as usual and maybe this was a reaction to dredging up those memories again.   Or maybe it was just a random thing totally unrelated.

Or maybe, sometimes, a girl just misses her Mom.

Braun and Badger 047