musings | Change Is Hard

February 10, 2014
by dawnkinster 28 Comments

Feeling blue

Sun sinks on another day.

It’s only mid-winter…and it’s been a long cruel season already. First there was the massive layoff at work causing the loss of several really good people from my life. Then there was the permanent loss of a friend. And just tonight I learned that Casper de Ghost crossed the rainbow bridge. And yes I know the loss of a dog I’ve never met is not the same as the loss of a human friend in real life.

But still. I’m feeling blue.

Tracks across my heart

And I’m looking at the tracks across the back yard with my dog Katie and wishing there were flowers blooming and sun shining and that time could stand still during the good stuff and that we didn’t all have to go through loss after loss after loss and just generally feeling blue.

And somewhere on the television a doorbell dings and Katie flies off the chair we share charging the front door in order to announce danger, in order to protect her house, and, I know, me.

And I have to smile and acknowledge that not everything is lost and even much of what seems lost is not really gone, just somewhere different.

And I go and collect my crazy dog and we sit down to watch some silly sit-coms so that we both can laugh for a little bit and forget about the danger just outside the front door.

And it is good.

Always watching

February 8, 2014
by dawnkinster 21 Comments

Who is that old lady?

You know how when you’re talking to an old lady you often have to slow down and explain stuff to her? Or help her figure out some new thing? Or maybe drive more slowly as you come up behind her because her turn signal is on and you’re not sure if she’s really going to turn. Or not? I hope you were kind, didn’t roll your eyes. I hope you were patient. Because I think that old lady might have been me.

I’ve been watching me at work lately. And I’ve been watching them. Those of you my age will know the them of which I speak. They are all tall and thin, wearing sharp suits. With short skirts and very high heels or tightly knotted ties, sharply creased trousers and shiny shoes. They hurry to meetings in pairs or groups carrying their half open laptops and talking seriously about IMPORTANT THINGS that will have IMPACT in their departments and across the company. They are intense. They are young. I squish over to the wall as they swish by, move aside as they come crashing down the stairwell, heels clicking, as I am slogging up in my heavy snow jacket, hat, worn out but warm mittens, boots, steamed over glasses. I don’t think they even see me.

They are in my department too, noticing when I do things in a slow methodical way on my computer. Noticing when toolbars are appearing that don’t need to be, when I open things in a less than efficient manner. They show me, patiently, how to do things faster, cleaner, BETTER. I add those bits of knowledge to my brain hoping something else as or more important doesn’t fall out. I polish my smudged glasses and continue on as I was because I know how to do things my way and it all gets done. Doesn’t it?

These days I catch a glimpse of me walking the halls at work and see someone who is a lot older than I thought I was. It’s a jolt every time. But I see me in the young people rushing about enthusiastically too. They remind me of me just a few moments ago. Or was it years. Well never mind, my memory is slipping. More and more frequently I realize that the old lady I see on the street and smile at is me.

I hope I can be patient with her.

February 4, 2014
by dawnkinster 17 Comments

You’d be 85

Today is Dad’s 85th birthday. It seems something of a milestone, one that shouldn’t be forgotten, though I can’t imagine him at 85. I suppose he would have been similar to the Dad I knew at 75, maybe with a few more wrinkles, but the same twinkling eyes, the same stories, the same advice.

Dad and his little sister

I can’t send him a card through snail mail, can’t email him or give him a call. I can’t even text him, but then he wouldn’t know what that was anyway. On the other hand…if he were still here I bet he’d have the latest smart phone because the whole information at your fingertips phenomenon would have fascinate him. Though I wonder if he would have sprung for the expense of having internet available 24/7. No, I think maybe instead he’d have been content to be in his boat, watching the sun set, floating in the warm water of his lake. Sure he’d check his messages when he got back to the house, but I don’t think that smart phone would have been used much on the boat.

In his canoe.

The little boy who loved the water, grew up on the river, and took my Mom for a canoe ride on their first date, grew up to be a father of four kids who got to grow up on a lake and spent many summers canoeing there and on rivers. We got to camp in National Parks across the country and see things lots of kids never did. We got to sit around the dinner table laughing until our stomachs hurt and tears ran down our faces. We got to ride bikes to town and climb trees in the woods and go water skiing after work. We got to have a dog named Sam and guinea pigs named Barney and ride the lawnmower and plant a huge garden. We got to go to college and grow up and live in nice places.

Most of that is due to having a Dad who was responsible and supportive. And who loved us unconditionally.

So thank you Dad. And Happy Birthday.

I hope you get this birthday card and know we all love you and miss you.

Forever.

February 2, 2014
by dawnkinster 8 Comments

Black and white

Morning light

I glanced out the window this early morning, a break from reading emails and blog posts, and realized the world outside looked black and white.

Before the day’s light brightens up the yard it was a study in bare trees and snow cover. For a moment everything seemed so simple, obvious. Black or white.

But as it does every day, the light changes and colors become more visible and nothing turns out to be either totally black or totally white.

And isn’t that a good thing.

Morning watch

January 22, 2014
by dawnkinster 17 Comments

Musings from a long commute

Snow on the roof.

It’s still winter here. You’ve probably heard that, and it’s probably still winter where you are too. Snow, snow, snow. And it’s cold. After awhile it begins to wear a person down. Add to that stress in the form of employment, or lack of employment, depending on your situation, and it’s hard to stay motivated.

I was on my slow snowy commute this morning and thinking about the other people in the cars surrounding me, all of us creeping on slick roads toward cubicles where we’ll do some sort of work for several hours and then creep home again. It all seemed overwhelmingly sad. Then I remembered the Christmas concert CD I haven’t heard yet. Yes I know, I’m a bit behind. We played that concert the 16th of December and I’ve been too distracted since to listen to it.

Who says you can’t enjoy Christmas music in January? Stuck in traffic I turned off the radio full of grim news, forecasts of frigid cold and more snow, long reports of traffic snarls, and began to hum along with holiday music. I let it take me away, could see the music in my mind, felt my fingers playing a phantom clarinet. And then there were tears sliding now my cheeks as the sweet gentle tones of “The Holly and the Ivy” filled the car. I don’t know why. If I had to guess I’d say it was the stress of work in combination with a grueling commute coming to a head. The emotion caught me by surprise. But shortly I had to smile, because right after “Holly” was “March of the Toys” which reminded me that life marches on. So I wiped my face, grinned a bit, pulled into the parking lot and marched myself right into work. And it turned out not to be such a bad day after all.

The commute home was worse than the one going in. More snow. Icy roads. Slow. Sometimes tense. I was letting myself get stressed all over again. Then a few miles from home I came up behind a jeep. The license plate was GD2BME. It got me smiling again, and realizing that it’s true for me and for most of us. Even during a long winter filled with snow and traffic jams and below zero temperatures and long commutes and frustrating work.

Even with all that… it is GD2BME. Hope it’s GD2BYOU too.

January 20, 2014
by dawnkinster 13 Comments

Nothing much going on

A bowl of birds

I got nothing. Haven’t done anything interesting. Haven’t done anything important. Haven’t done anything.

Ask Katie. She is bored too.

I guess I’m not so much bored as totally exhausted, sad, and seemingly unable to use time effectively. All I really want to do is nap which is impossible when you’ve got a sheltie in the house. So I wander. Do a little laundry. Do a little cooking. Watch the birds at the feeders.

Sit down.

Check Facebook, read a few blogs and think about a blog topic. Sort a little music.

Sit down.

Consider that I should practice before rehearsal tomorrow night. Sigh.

Sit down.

Make some cookies to put in the freezer for a time in the future when I don’t feel like making cookies. Read some more blogs. Remember there is wet laundry in the washer, move it to the dryer.

Sit down.

You see a pattern here? Three days and nothing much happened. Tomorrow it’s back to work.

Here’s hoping you had a much more exciting weekend!

Hungry

January 1, 2014
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

Come visit the Detroit Institute of Arts!

Have you ever visited or lived in Detroit? I know most of you have heard things about the city. Probably not good things. Heck our football team can’t even get us good press. So let me show you something beautiful that resides in the city; a gem of a place that we are lucky to have.

Enjoying the art.

The DIA as we like to call it, is at risk because the city of Detroit is in bankruptcy and everyone is looking for assets to sell in order to pay off debt. Just this past election counties outside the city voted to increase property taxes so that funds could be sent to support the DIA, but even that is not enough to guaranty it is safe.

Symmetry

Let me show you a few of the treasures we found inside this past Sunday. When we first arrived we joined a short tour where the docent explained a few of her favorite pieces. It’s amazing what you can learn in a few moments listening to someone that understands the art.

Even if you think you don’t like this sort of art it’s worth going to your local art museum and taking a tour. You might be surprised by what you turn out to like once you know a bit about it.

One of the galleries had several paintings by Picasso. I was struck by the progression of his work over time.

Melancholy Woman. 1902

Woman in Arm Chair. 1923

And this one I like a lot, sort of reminded me of my library days.

Girl Reading 1938

Seated Woman. 1960

There were 4 or 5 of his pieces hanging together. You could see them becoming more and more abstract. I never knew I liked Picasso until I saw his work all lined up.

Sunday my favorite painting in the museum was this one:

The Wedding Dance by Pieter Bruegel approximately 1566

There was something about the joy, the distribution of color, the movement. Can you find the bride? We couldn’t. Turns out the bride is the only woman there without a headdress. And she’s wearing black, which was the custom back then. Do you see her now? She’s in the middle left, about 1/3 way up. See? You learn something new all the time!

The DIA has lots of classical art but lots of modern art too. Some of it was interesting, some of it was strange. Some made you think…

Play ball!

…some made you think “why is this art?”

Ummmm…

But the other big thing we have at the DIA are huge famous frescoes depicting the auto industry done by Diego Rivera.

Over the top amazing.

The art is beautiful; the two main panels show laborers working in the auto industry. Other panels show advancement in sciences and medicine.

Working on the line.

I enjoyed watching the people as they walked into the huge room and began to notice the detail, the stories that were being told, the history, the beauty of the place.

Look up there!

This museum is less than an hour from my house. I’ve only been once before, and then only to see a special show. I’ve never wandered around, never stretched myself to stand in front of something I didn’t understand and ponder, never checked the back of corner rooms or explored around the next corner before.

I’m glad we went. Granted we went in part because there is a possibility that all or most of it will be gone, sold to raise funds for the strapped city. We might have procrastinated for more years if not for the fiscal crisis. Still, it opened my eyes to what is there. I know we will go back.

Sculpture and landscape.

Look around your community. What has always been there that you take for granted? What have you not visited lately? Or at all? Maybe you aren’t sure you like whatever is stored inside. As a kid sometimes we’d say we didn’t like something. My dad would always respond – “How do you know if you haven’t tried it?” And that’s what I’m saying to you. How do you know you don’t like classical art…or modern art…or sculpture…or the symphony? How do you know if you haven’t tried it?

This new year make a decision to stretch outside your normal box. Visit some treasure in your community. See what’s there. See what you like.

I bet you’ll be surprised.

See what’s out there.

December 26, 2013
by dawnkinster 25 Comments

Holiday spirit?

I’ve heard that UPS had a problem delivering many packages that had been guaranteed for arrival by Christmas. The story was aired all day on Christmas and is still running on CNN tonight. When I first heard heard, listening to the media hype up the horror of gifts not arriving on time, I figured it was just a slow news day. But here it is still in the news.

My immediate thought was of the UPS drivers; those I’ve encountered have been the nicest people I’ve ever worked with. And they work like dogs during the holiday season, so it’s not for lack of trying that some gifts didn’t make the deadline. Frankly, if you order something within a week of the holiday and it doesn’t make it on time you should be prepared to provide a photo of the gift or a link to a website along with a letter to your intended recipient and I bet that person will be fine with the actual item showing up in a day or so. In the big scheme of things getting a gift a day or two or even a week late doesn’t take away from the fact that someone loved you enough to send something to you. And doesn’t everyone really believe that Christmas is about family and friends rather than how many gifts you receive?

So why is this still news? And why are certain government officials calling for an investigation? Sure guarantees were not met. That happens in life more than most people realize, but the world still turns. It’s not as if the gifts were stolen and will never be delivered. It’s not as though anyone intentionally cheated anyone else. It was just a combination of honest, uncontrollable events including weather and unexpected volume.

So how about we let it go. Let’s just enjoy the time we have with family and friends, and let the gifts fall where they may.

December 19, 2013
by dawnkinster 19 Comments

Dreams v.s. responsibility

I’ve been thinking a lot about how people deal with their dreams. Not the crazy out of control dreams in living color I often tell you about on mornings after a restless night, but the kinds of dreams we all had as kids when we thought about our futures. Believe it or not when I was a kid I wanted to grow up to be a truck driver. Given how my family’s life was irretrievably altered by the trucking industry I think it was an ironic dream. But that’s another blog for another day. As a kid I imagined the open road would be romantic, free, nomadic. Of course I knew nothing about the reality of driving big trucks cross country. And I wasn’t interested in the reality of it; it was the chance to see what was around the next curve that pulled me in, that still does.

Now that I’ve spent a good number of years in one spot the restless itch has come back. Truthfully it never really left, it’s just been stuffed down under the weight of responsibility. My folks were nothing if not responsible and all four of us were brought up to be productive, to contribute, to be self sufficient. Yet we were brought up to be curious too and they made sure we got to see as much of this country as they could share with us. We traveled every summer somewhere new and these days husband and I try to travel somewhere new every year still.

So why am I so restless? It’s not as if I never get to go anywhere – you’ve come along with me on plenty of adventures – yet as soon as I’m home I’m looking for the next opportunity to get away. I consciously work at being satisfied where I am, but half my heart is always one step out the door. I could throw a dart at a map and find something interesting to explore at any random location. Often I’d like to do that. Get up in the morning and throw a dart. And the day after that throw another dart.

So where is the balance between dreams and responsibilities? What makes one person stick with routine, follow the rules, maintain the status quo and be happy while another person turns away from responsibility and throws that dart? And can a dart thrower ever be happy with routine?

Can contentment with what is be learned? Or is a dart thrower always a restless dart thrower?

November 26, 2013
by dawnkinster 19 Comments

How far would you go?

I was distractedly listening to CNN while cooking up some holiday goodies Monday night when I heard the President dealing with the immigration hecklers in San Fransisco. Apparently he was there to talk about immigration and many standing behind him as he spoke were members of an immigration advocacy group. One or two began to shout, asking him to exercise his executive powers to help their cause. Many began to chant. He took it in stride.

I understand their passion for their cause. But he is the President. On the other hand when will those folks ever again get this close to someone they believe can fix their problem? So they chose to make a statement. Were they brave? Or were they stupid?

I have an issue I feel the same passion for. I have often wished that I could just sit down with someone as powerful as the President and explain things, ask for help. But I’m sure I could never, ever, heckle him at a public function. Protest outside the venue perhaps, but never to his face, never interrupt his speech. In fact I don’t think I could interrupt any public official’s speech.

So I’ve been thinking about this. Thinking about the public officials I’ve met, the ones I’ve asked politely to help us in our cause. Thinking about how little progress I’ve made. Wondering just what exactly it would take for me to be brave enough to demand that help publicly, even rudely. Maybe polite doesn’t work. But who knows if rude works either.

What about you? Do you have something that matters enough to you that you’d heckle the President of the United States? Do you think it was brave of them? Or stupid?

I’m undecided.

Change Is Hard

…but change is certain.

Tag Archives: musings

Feeling blue

Who is that old lady?

You’d be 85

Black and white

Musings from a long commute

Nothing much going on

Come visit the Detroit Institute of Arts!

Holiday spirit?

Dreams v.s. responsibility

How far would you go?