musings | Change Is Hard

November 23, 2013
by dawnkinster 14 Comments

Thanksgiving – the real deal

What are your strongest and best memories of Thanksgiving? Did your family gather, members driving across country, did they sit around big tables telling stories and laughing? Did the food get eaten, leftovers put away, then pulled back out again later in the day? Did your family wrap up what was left, send it home in plastic containers to be warmed up again later in the weekend?

Mine did.

Maybe you remember spending the afternoon watching football games with your family, cheering on favorites, groaning when plays didn’t go your way, munching on turkey sandwiches or stealing another piece of pie. Maybe your favorite memories are of distant cousins, elderly aunts, grandparents, people you didn’t see all the time. Maybe your family called far away relatives later in the afternoon for long conversations, catching up with months of news.

Mine did – and I bet a lot of your memories are similar. The point is that many memories of a best Thanksgiving are filled with family.

Now consider what it would be like if you had to work on Thanksgiving — and not because you were vital to the safety of your community, not because you were needed to fight fire or save lives in a hospital — but because people wanted to shop. They wanted to shop for stuff that would not change the world, would not further humanity, would not even make others particularly happy. Just ordinary stuff.

Imagine that you have to work because retailers are looking for a bigger profit. Profit over family, not a unique concept, but imagine you don’t have a choice, that it’s not even your profit; you’re just a pawn on their balance sheets.

Think about it. The only way retailers can exploit their workers, force them to work on a day that should be all about family, is if we all rush out to patronize their stores on Thanksgiving day. We don’t have to do that. What in the world do we need that is so important that we have to buy it on Thanksgiving?

Really?

Nothing.

So here’s a thought. Join the movement, check out the facebook page. And how about we don’t go out to shop on Thanksgiving. How about we don’t let ourselves be manipulated for the retailers good. How about we don’t let ourselves get caught up in the commercialism of the holiday. How about instead we look around and see the family members that we love so much, how about we slow down and realize what is important. How about we sit down to a family dinner. How about we spend the day in conversation with each other. How about we value family.

And how about we let everyone do that, even retail workers for one day. One day filled with family, conversations, laughter, stories, football and pie.

Now that would be the real deal.

November 21, 2013
by dawnkinster 20 Comments

Two cups

A couple of weeks ago I listened to a report on my commute about the health benefits of wild blueberries. I don’t, of course, remember exactly what the health benefits were, but I remember my reaction to the story.

I laughed out loud.

The report recommended a person eat two cups of wild blueberries a day. Yes that’s right. Two cups. Memories of picking wild blueberries sprang immediately to mind. I used to live in the Keweenaw Peninsula which is a part of Michigan waaaaay north, a piece of rocky, somewhat hilly land that juts out into Lake Superior. It’s stunningly beautiful and a place I miss in a chilly yet warmly reminiscent sort of way.

One of the things people did in the summer up there was pick wild blueberries. There was a field at the top of the mountain that rumor said had the best wild blueberries. No one talked about where it was; it was a secret held closely by the locals and I was not a local. But eventually, after living there a few years I wormed the location out of a friend.

You drove up the main road, turned off on a little used side road and then turned into an abandoned driveway that wound through the woods until you got to a gate which you had to open, drive through and close behind you lest someone notice you were there and discover the secret. Then you drove along the side of an empty field, parked near the back of the field behind some trees and you were there!

The first time I followed these directions I thought I had been played for a fool. There were no blueberry bushes on this empty abandoned land. I wandered a bit with my big pail looking for the bushes. You know, the bushes you’d find at a blueberry farm down near the towns I once lived in. The cultivated bushes, some as tall as a person covered in huge sweet berries, the bushes almost purple from the weight of the fruit.

Almost purple….hmmm….the ground near my feet seemed almost purple. Could it be? No way! There were wild blueberry bushes under my feet! They were not even a foot tall, the berries smaller than half my little fingernail. Almost imperceptible. They were everywhere and indescribably delicious, sweet and tart all at the same time.

It took me a couple hours to pick enough berries to cover, in one layer, the bottom of my bucket. After that first visit I’d take a small cottage cheese container and was lucky to collect a cup at any one visit. And those were the good days. I picked much less than that the time I ran across a bear enjoying the fruit of my favorite shrub.

So when the researchers in the latest wild blueberry study recommended people eat two cups of wild blueberries a day I laughed out loud. Obviously they have never picked their own berries; it would take half a day to pick two cups of berries. And the season isn’t that long…so you’d want to pick extras to freeze for the winter months.

Seems pretty impractical to me. But I enjoyed thinking about it, and remembering a simpler time from years ago when I spent some quiet time on top of a mountain hidden behind trees gathering the spoils of the earth.

That was a sweet and tart time in my life and I am glad the researchers took me back for a visit, if only in my own mind.

November 19, 2013
by dawnkinster 15 Comments

Re-entry

Larger than life

I have survived the first day back to work after being off for a week. Can’t say that it was easy. I felt as though I had been to another country and gone for a very long time. I suppose that’s good, it must mean that the vacation successfully removed me from the stress of the office.

Even bigger

But being back in the cubicle was difficult today, too many emails, too many issues, too many people that needed something. Too much to do in too little time. I’m sure I’ll get back on top of it, get it back under control.

Relaxed

Meanwhile I hope you enjoyed a few more photos from last week, photos I hadn’t had an opportunity to show you yet. I didn’t take one of them, all the credit belongs to husband, but they remind me that there is more out there in the world than my beige cubicle and that sometime, hopefully soon, I’ll be off on another adventure.

Tips of the mountains

Far or near, adventures sure make things better!

Fly away

November 16, 2013
by dawnkinster 7 Comments

Between here and there

It’s quite easy to see the beauty of the ocean or the giant trees; easy to see the photo opportunity in beautiful canyons or majestic mountains. When you’re traveling you’re always looking for that outstanding photo, the one that tells the big story. It’s easy to miss all the little things when you’re going from here to there.

On this California trip the place between the big photos was mostly farm. And just as I am at home I was drawn to the farmlands there. The deep black fields, the orderly lines of crops or vineyards, the homesteads far off the road surrounded by acres of crops or by nothing at all.

I want to go back and concentrate on the places between here and there, the places that aren’t so easy to photograph, the places not so glamorous. Not so obviously beautiful.

I want to think about where our food comes from. I watched cabbage being picked in a huge field, and though I only saw a moment of the action as our car raced by, I saw cabbage heads furiously being tossed by stooping men crowded close behind a trailer hauled by a tractor.

I want to think about the true cost of our food. Affordable fresh food comes to us on the backs of people hunched over in a field. And what do these people get paid? I don’t know enough. Just like the fast food workers fighting to earn a living wage, how are these cabbage pickers living?

I want to think about our food supply I’d like to understand more. And I’d like to show you how beautiful the places between here and there are, not from a speeding car, but more slowly, more carefully.

More thoughtfully.

November 7, 2013
by dawnkinster 17 Comments

Do you believe in messages from beyond?

Before they were parents.

I know everybody out there has loved ones that have moved on to what I think of as their next adventure. But I’m wondering. Do you look for signs that they’re around? That they’re alright? I do.

In the beginning I consciously looked all the time. Now it’s more of an automatic thing. Mostly it’s birds that seem to give me signs from my folks, but I’ve also begun to consider the bright orange semi trucks I see out on the road as greetings from my Dad.

I know that probably sounds weird. After all it was a bright orange semi that killed him. And for a lot of years seeing one of those trucks was a knife to my heart. They are everywhere and there is no escape from them, so some time ago I decided I couldn’t allow myself to be knifed anymore. I started saying ‘hi’ to Dad each time I saw one and I still do that today. It doesn’t make it all better, but somehow it’s not as painful to see those trucks on the road anymore.

And of course I’ve told you about the stars in the sky that I’ve assigned to each of them; Orion’s belt for Mom, the Big Dipper for Dad. At this time of the year they are both in the morning sky, high above my head when I take the dog out early. I look for them, sometimes even have a little conversation with them, while Katie’s checking out the yard.

I’ve seen a few episodes of the TV show The Long Island Medium and wonder if people are so desperate to know their loved ones are OK that they feed the medium clues. I wonder if I do that in a way too, wonder if I look for signs so intently at the moments when I need them close that I manufacture comforting signs. I think the truth is that I have to believe Mom and Dad are somewhere just around the corner. Because to think otherwise would make living without them impossibly difficult.

What about you? Do you believe that your loved ones are still around in some form? Somewhere more than just in your own heart? Do you think they send messages? Or do you think it’s all a bunch of bunk?

I wonder.

November 5, 2013
by dawnkinster 30 Comments

The great Cheez-It conspiracy

I love Cheez-Its. I know. They’re not good for me. They’re empty calories. They derail diets. Who knows what’s really in them. I know. I still love Cheez-Its.

For years I’ve worked on loosing the 20 pounds I’ve gained since 2004. Actively counting calories. Recording everything I eat. Foregoing dessert or seconds or night time eating. Struggling. Making progress, falling back. Giving up, trying again. Joining groups, quitting groups. Some of you know the routine.

Right now I’m allowing silly little yellow orange squares to beat me. They sit in the vending machine I pass several times a day. Did you know that little bag in there is 6 Weight Watcher points? In a diet that only allows me 21 points for the entire day? Crazy! I think the manufacturer bakes something into them that triggers my craving. It’s a conspiracy I say!

I know that snacking is one way of coping with stress…and there’s plenty of stress in my life…but not enough to eat like this. So what else is it? Why does it seem impossible to walk by that machine without contemplating spending the 85 cents? Some days I win the battle. Some days I don’t.

So now I need to give up on the crunchy salty goodness. If I tell you I’m not eating these anymore will that make it true? Can I think about each of you when I’m tempted and keep the change in the purse? I hope so!

What about you? What’s your favorite snack item? And how do you keep your cravings under control?

October 24, 2013
by dawnkinster 16 Comments

Scary concert

Practice practice practice!

Tuesday night was the last rehearsal before our Halloween concert. I need to practice every night. Every. Night. Last night I spent 30 minutes on a few measures of Damnation of Faust by Hector Berlioz. It’s all pretty good except for some transition triplets that, counting in two, I can’t seem to get. And it’s pretty much just us clarinets doing it…so at rehearsal it was mush. Really bad mush. I’ve written in the beats of each measure. I’ve slowed it down. I’ve counted it in four. I’ve tongued the triplets to keep track even though it’s not written that way. Sigh. I need to figure this out.

We’re also playing Vesuvius by Frank Ticheli. It’s supposed to represent a volcano. We aren’t quite there. I’ve been playing along with a recording of it for a few weeks. That helps a lot, but still this is one you have to keep counting and not get caught up in listening to anyone else. Take a moment and listen to it. It’s a pretty cool piece. If we had about 3 more weeks of practice it would work out. But the concert is next Tuesday.

And yes we’re playing some other music that we can get through with less angst. But I have to say, our concert’s title is apt. “Things that scare us.”

Cause I’m feeling plenty scared.

Fractured

October 6, 2013
by dawnkinster 22 Comments

Lifestyle changes

I have several friends that have turned vegan, or nearly so. It’s a thought I’ve toyed with off and on over many years. Mostly off. Vegetarian seemed more doable…but I’ve never given that a real try either, if truth be told.

I still think about it, and this morning I just watched the movie Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. I intended to watch it yesterday, but was so exhausted I fell asleep right after doggy school and napped the afternoon away until we had to leave for a neighbor’s pig roast.

Pig

Yes pig roast. As in not vegetarian, nor close to vegan.

Turns out I really didn’t like the meat and munched on all sorts of (not vegan) salads, vegetables and of course deserts.

Good stuff

Still…this morning the whole healthy living thing is lurking on my mind, hence me making time to watch the entire movie. Which turned out not to be difficult…it is entertaining and thought provoking. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I struggle daily with trying to wean myself away from things that aren’t good for me. I’ve been observing people when I’m out at lunch. Thin people tend to be walking the neighborhood. Heavier people seem to be hanging out with me the days I’m in the fast food drive through. Coincidence? I think not.

I have my annual physical scheduled next week; perhaps this is why I’ve been contemplating lifestyle changes. He’ll be telling me things I already know. The reason I’m so exhausted all the time. The headaches. The body aches. Things I could probably fix myself if I took better care of me.

So, as Katie and I head out on a great adventure this morning I’ll think some more. Seems like a change is in the works. Who out there has made lifestyle changes? How hard was it for you? Are you glad? Did you stick with it?

Tell me your stories, good or bad. I’m going to need some support.

Yes I am.

Neighborhood party

September 17, 2013
by dawnkinster 20 Comments

Musings on a walk

It’s a very stressful week for me at work. There are all sorts of opportunities to work early, late, and through lunch. Today I put on my sneakers at 12:30 and walked out the door for a break even though there was much work still to be done.

I haven’t been on a walk at lunch for two weeks and my feet told me they had to readjust to the orthotics. A familiar ache immediately set in along the arch of my right foot. The breeze was cool and I wished I had brought my sweater so I picked up the pace. The foot protested.

I went past the elementary school, the first time I’ve been by since the kids are back at school, and noticed the adult charged with watching the kids standing in the middle of a swirl of spinning, shrieking, running, twirling laughing children. She was engrossed in her cell. Texting I supposed, or checking emails. It seemed early in the school year for her to be so bored with the children playing around her.

I moved on to the creek that dissects the neighborhood’s condo project. I always stand on the little bridge there for awhile, watching the water flow below me. Today it was clear and swift, full of yesterday’s rain. It’s just a little creek, but I’ve seen lots of people stop and stare down into it on their lunch walks. I wondered why people are so drawn to water.

Onward I noticed that I was still walking fast, my shoulders up around my ears. This was not turning into a restorative walk. Years ago I used to go to a restorative yoga class on Sunday mornings even though it was a 45 minute drive each way. At the end of the session, when we were all lying still, the music soft, the instructor’s voice asking us to relax each part of our bodies I used to cry. Big slow tears would leak from my closed eyes and run into my ears. I was so exhausted from the week and so grateful for the Sunday morning respite. I haven’t been back in many years. Today on my walk I consciously lowered my shoulders and took a deep breath.

At my normal busy day turn around point my body began to turn but my feet kept going. They chose to take the long way back to the office. I was a little late back from lunch. So be it.

Back at work the phone was ringing and I had voice mail. There were two instant messages waiting. And the email problem I was in the middle of solving when I stood up and walked out was still there, along with several others. Nothing was different.

Except me.

I took another deep breath and began again.

August 3, 2013
by dawnkinster 20 Comments

Funny

Funny how it happens.

You’re going along in your life, handling stuff, feeling like you’ve moved past the sad place. You’ve written some about truck stuff and felt strong doing it. You spent an evening talking to a young woman whose mother was killed by a truck a year ago and you were glad to give her an outlet, help her plan some of her new and unexpected future. You felt good about being able to listen objectively with less personal emotion.

Missing them.

Yet this morning you feel a little off. The dog gets you up early, before light, and as you stumble into clothes to take her out, wander through the house to get a jacket, it occurs to you that the house was being remodeled the last time your Dad was here and that he never got to see the fireplace. Why not just send him an email with a photo attached you reason. Seems like a sensible thing to do.

And then you find yourself in the driveway staring up at a beautiful moon sitting low in the sky, beside a bright planet off to the north. And you realize that the moon is not blurry because of sleep in your eyes but because you are staring through a sheen of tears. There’s no email in heaven. Is there.

As you and the dog wander you contemplate the long road of life and how you don’t know what’s over the next hill. You are lost in thought, memories.

Long road.

Then just overhead a cardinal begins his morning song and you can just see him through the soft morning light. He flies right over your head, still singing and you figure it’s Dad cheering you up. It works as you realize you’re not in the dark place. This place, this morning, is more a gentle blue place with shadows around the edges. Soft, not scary.

And then your dog stares up at you with big eyes, wondering, and grins because you do and the two of you hustle back to the house for breakfast.